Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

You’re overreacting. You both have a strange reaction to something as simple as photos.

Why didn't you tell the videographer after the ceremony that their services weren't required? That's what I would have done if I expressly did not want a videographer and one turned up at my wedding.

Oh God OP I would have hated that! Actually how dare she assume what you would like for your wedding present? That's so rude!

I would also hate being filmed. Sympathies OP. Is she someone you're very close to? Is she normally ok?

I’m sorry this has happened, and it had such an impact on you. Honestly I think you just have to chalk it up to experience and move on. Your reaction is quite unusual and it’s a shame your friend didn’t take you more literally but there you are.
my guess is in 5/10 years or more you will actually feel pretty happy when you see the video so I think it may turn out not to be the disaster it feels like it is right now.

This all sounds quite raw to you at the moment, and in time I’m sure you’ll see that your friend was just trying to do something nice and there was no malicious intent in it. Give it 5 years and you’ll probably be glad there’s a video of your wedding, and then give it 30 years and you’ll be so pleased you had this!
if you consider saying your vows “the most important moment of your life” then I can’t see how in the future you won’t look back and be pleased to watch it, even if that’s many years away

Well I suppose it's annoying that you actively didn't want one and you ended up with it. I am actually pretty surprised that your friend would organise something like this without trying to work out why you didn't arrange it yourself (presumably she thought you wanted one but couldn't afford it?). Having said that, your friend meant well. Watch the video, you might surprise yourself and enjoy it. Either way, nothing to be done about it now so best try and put it behind you.

It was too chaotic! I had lots of people to talk to - I didn't even know where the videographer was. I didn't know lots of people had contributed towards the cost until after the wedding. There was just a lot going on.

Yes, but it's how we feel! And it was our wedding day! I just don't understand why someone would organize something like this without somehow checking on whether the bride or groom actually wanted it.

Time to reassess your friendship with that person. The other friends were bamboozled by her. I’d be furious.

We didn't watch our wedding video again after the first month (we only got it as parts of family were overseas and couldn't come), I hope in a couple of decades it brings you some joy, but I really get you, I'd be seething.

I would have hated this!

I don’t agree that in 10 years you’ll be thankful - it isn’t their call to make. I didn’t have any wedding photos and 15 years later it makes no difference at all.

be sad, be angry. It was out of order to spring a surprise like that. I’d let the friend know they massively overstepped. Not even sure id consider someone who did that to be a friend. The ‘I know you better than you do’ is so awful.

Yes, she's normally lovely and I know this was something she loved at her wedding. Just everytime I think back to my wedding, I think of this stranger skittering around in my eyeline when I so wanted to be in the moment. It's just upsetting me so much.

I suppose part of my feelings is that I can't say anything to her without upsetting her, and I really don't want to upset her because she is great. But it also feels really weird to have to kind of lie to all my closest friends about how I feel about this. I don't want to have to do that. But there isn't any other way I can think of?

It's one thing if your friend has hired the videographer herself and it was a generous act from her alone.

It's quite another that she's rallied the masses, on her own behalf, and therefore prevented you from getting any other gifts. That's some serious CF territory. No-one should ever count their chickens when it comes to gifts but it's very common for people to use wedding gift towards honeymoons etc. One of my friends used theirs towards IVF treatment! Your friend was seriously presumptuous and way out of line on this.

I wouldn’t have liked it either but if you feel so strongly it seems strange that you didn’t stop it after the ceremony or then none of your close friends knew how you would feel? Your friend has massively overstepped in organising it.

I would have felt just as strongly as you, OP. But irrespective of the disruption it may have caused, if I had seen someone who was obviously a professional videoing my wedding, either before I went into the church or as I was going down the aisle, I would have told them to stop. It’s a shocking intrusion of your privacy and a very thoughtless thing for your friends to have organised.

I got married in 1997 when video recording weddings was the 'thing.' My friends husband had a camcorder and recorded our wedding. I wasn't keen. However now 28 years later it contains footage of my long deceased Dad and many aunties and uncles who have also since died. Far more important to me than the gifts from our wedding list (another throw back from the 90's). So, I do understand to a degree but I do think you are overreacting. I also think this idea of missing out on wedding presents isn't a good look.

I honestly honestly wouldn't have minded not being given presents at all - or if people had made donations to charity or something like that. It's just the fact that so many people have spent so much on something I really didn't want that has upset me.

You can contact the videographer and say you did not want their services, and say you don't grant permission for the footage to be used or shared with anyone but you.

What happened to you was really not ok - a big overstep by your 'friend'.

People who don't understand boundaries can never be real friends.

This happened to me too. In my case it was my sil’s dh doing a nice thing. Ugh! Neither he, nor sil would have known that I absolutely hated the idea of being videoed, but I’m surprised that none of your close friends knew your feelings about this.

I’ve never watched my video. I feel like it’s somehow wrong to destroy it but at this stage, time has probably taken care of it anyway,

I think you need to reflect on why you:
a) didn't tell the videographer to stop
b) feel unable to say anything about your true feelings
C) describe this person who behaved very rudely as 'great'

Where is the video? Contact the videographer and say it was videoed without consent.

It's actually really nice to hear that this has happened to someone else too (although sorry it happened to you!). Some people on here are saying my friends should have known I don't like being filmed, but it's just never come up. If I had wanted a videographer, I would have booked one. It's literally that simple.

I think you need to share how you feel with the friend. Otherwise she's probably going to do similar things to other people without thinking about what they want. "Friend I really appreciate the effort and feeling that went into organising the videographer and I love that you care do much you wanted to do something really special for me. However myself and husband really didn't want a videographer at the wedding and it distracted from our enjoyment of the day. Can I suggest in future if you are considering arranging a present like this, particularly with others contributing, that you specifically check whether it's something the recipient wants?"

That was seriously overstepping. For starters you need permission from the church and crucially any musicians to film as artists they are allowed to charge additional fees for their music to be recorded (remember it’s their livelihood often, not all have other jobs or are retired). I would have hated this myself, I only had a few pictures taken in total

Take the video and put it in a drawer for the future. As above pp said- you never know- one day when you have children ( if you don’t already) or you lose people important to you, you may just find it a comfort to watch. My children loved watching mine and I originally thought it was tacky. I’m glad I have it now.

i think your friend did it with the best intentions although I agree that she shouldn’t have dragged everyone else into paying. I think you need to not over react. Letting this spoil your day is ridiculous.