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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Unwanted videographer at my wedding

685 replies

banjomonkey · 19/06/2025 09:12

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

OP posts:
ThatLemonFox · 22/06/2025 17:36

I would hate this, if I knew someone was videoing me all day I would be completely self conscious and wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy what is supposed to be one of the best days of your life. I would definitely let it slip to one or two friends that it wasn't a good idea, if they dont like that then tough, they should have been more considerate, especially if your DH also felt the same way. Totally inappropriate to decide what someone else wants at their wedding!

Nanny0gg · 22/06/2025 18:50

minmoo2 · 22/06/2025 14:06

I think it might be an idea to reframe how you’re thinking about this. You say you had a wonderful day and it was exactly how you wanted it, and also that all your closest best friends contributed to it- so if your closest friends, presumably people who know you pretty well didn’t think it was an issue and didn’t say to the lady who was arranging it that you’d hate it and they weren’t contributing as they planned to get you something else, they this lady couldn’t have known. I know it was your wedding day & can see it might have felt intrusive, but it sounds like they were just trying to do something nice for you and thought you’d like it (especially if lots of people knew about it & contributed) I would just say thank you & that it was thoughtful of them and then just never watch it and move on if that’s how you feel- or sit down as watch it with you new hubby, cringe at how hideous it is and try to find the funny side- it’s happened now and you can’t change it & not sure it’s worth falling out with your friends over .

No!

She absolutely should not lie to them about it.

Arran2024 · 22/06/2025 18:52

Loads of things happen we don't really want. Like surprise parties. Novelty Xmas gifts. It's how we deal with it that matters. Sounds like OP handled it well on the day.

Saharajelly · 22/06/2025 21:04

I totally get why you wouldn't want someone filming you. Some people like the memories but to some its just intrusive and a reminder of a day that was hijacked by a well meaning but insensitive friend. To be honest, she sounds like she was so in love with her experience of a videographer. She didn't listen to you. And just did what she thought she would like. It was irresponsible and a bit of a take over to then get your other guests to chip in without first consulting you, if this is what you and your partner wanted. I am a private person and wouldn't have been able to relax if this happened on what was supposed to be yours and your grooms day. I think you need to tell her how you feel in a polite way. In case she trys to upstage you in future at other events like birthdays or holidays. Unless you have been in your shoes it's easy to say forget it or that you should be glad. Her behavior sounds controlling. Look at other situations she has been involved in. Has she done anything like this before. If not, hopefully in time you will be able to forgive her. But be wary of this type of behaviour. It could be a kind gesture she misread or a pattern of behavior she has to others and yourself

daleylama · 22/06/2025 22:17

Nanny0gg · 22/06/2025 18:50

No!

She absolutely should not lie to them about it.

Agreed. If the friends knew the couple had chosen not to book this service why would they override that choice without checking ??

saraclara · 22/06/2025 22:51

Arran2024 · 22/06/2025 16:18

Im trying to say "every cloud has a silver lining". I dont buy the idea that on your wedding day it's important that everything goes exactly to plan, to the point where you fixate on something that didnt go to plan. It's not that important.

Would you insert your own preferences into your friends wedding without discussing it or getting permission?

Would you change their menu because you LOVED the one you had?
Would you phone the florist and change the flowers, because you know in your heart that she would like the ones you had, even though she'd already said she wasn't having irises?
Would you change the music that she was going to walk down the aisle to, without telling her, because your music was so lovely?

Come on now. You know you wouldn't. Because it would be an egregious overstep. And this was too.

SCHMINK · 22/06/2025 23:10

I agree. I hate having my photograph taken unless it’s something I’ve agreed to. You lose all control over who its shared with, where it can end etc.

And the fact your friend did this on your wedding day without running it past you:(

BoldGreenDreamer · 22/06/2025 23:40

saraclara · 22/06/2025 22:51

Would you insert your own preferences into your friends wedding without discussing it or getting permission?

Would you change their menu because you LOVED the one you had?
Would you phone the florist and change the flowers, because you know in your heart that she would like the ones you had, even though she'd already said she wasn't having irises?
Would you change the music that she was going to walk down the aisle to, without telling her, because your music was so lovely?

Come on now. You know you wouldn't. Because it would be an egregious overstep. And this was too.

Although I agree with you, changing the flowers or the menu (even to food the bride and groom dont like) would be lesser and more fleeting annoyance than having a videographer thrust upon a camera-shy couple for the whole day.

Bridgetjonesheart · 22/06/2025 23:50

I’m with you OP. I’d be so p*ssed off. And what adds to it is you can’t actually tell anyone. Your friend and been very presumptuous and naive but you just have to forgive her for being so stupid. She couldn’t have known and probably thought she was doing the best thing ever.. Maybe biting the bullet and watching will help.

grumpygrape · 23/06/2025 09:13

saraclara · 22/06/2025 22:51

Would you insert your own preferences into your friends wedding without discussing it or getting permission?

Would you change their menu because you LOVED the one you had?
Would you phone the florist and change the flowers, because you know in your heart that she would like the ones you had, even though she'd already said she wasn't having irises?
Would you change the music that she was going to walk down the aisle to, without telling her, because your music was so lovely?

Come on now. You know you wouldn't. Because it would be an egregious overstep. And this was too.

Agree with this post

Arran2024 · 23/06/2025 10:45

saraclara · 22/06/2025 22:51

Would you insert your own preferences into your friends wedding without discussing it or getting permission?

Would you change their menu because you LOVED the one you had?
Would you phone the florist and change the flowers, because you know in your heart that she would like the ones you had, even though she'd already said she wasn't having irises?
Would you change the music that she was going to walk down the aisle to, without telling her, because your music was so lovely?

Come on now. You know you wouldn't. Because it would be an egregious overstep. And this was too.

Well of course not. And they didnt do that. They just paid for a videographer. Its hardly the end of the world. Things n life go wrong all the time. In the scheme of things it's a gesture that wasnt appreciated but it's only that, and catastrophising because of it is first world problem.

saraclara · 23/06/2025 10:50

Arran2024 · 23/06/2025 10:45

Well of course not. And they didnt do that. They just paid for a videographer. Its hardly the end of the world. Things n life go wrong all the time. In the scheme of things it's a gesture that wasnt appreciated but it's only that, and catastrophising because of it is first world problem.

It wasn't 'just' a videographer. The friend made a decision about someone else's wedding, that was not hers to make. And worse, she did so without telling the bride and groom, so they had no chance to say no, other than to make a scene on arrival at the venue..

The presence of the videographer intruded on the their experience and made it lesser. Stop defending someone who went way over the line.

BunnyVV · 23/06/2025 10:55

babystarsandmoon · 19/06/2025 09:14

You’re overreacting. You both have a strange reaction to something as simple as photos.

What a rude and horrible way to completely invalidate someone’s feelings and at the same time show you don’t pay attention when reading.

godmum56 · 23/06/2025 10:58

Bridgetjonesheart · 22/06/2025 23:50

I’m with you OP. I’d be so p*ssed off. And what adds to it is you can’t actually tell anyone. Your friend and been very presumptuous and naive but you just have to forgive her for being so stupid. She couldn’t have known and probably thought she was doing the best thing ever.. Maybe biting the bullet and watching will help.

why can you not tell anyone? why can you not tell the person who did it? Why does she HAVE to be forgiven?

BunnyVV · 23/06/2025 11:00

Oh my goodness OP I feel the same as you about photos and video. People here who are being rude need to first and foremost understand that it’s completely valid to feel like that. Too many people are applying their attitude towards photo and video to the situation. They need to see this from your POV.
i would contact the videographer and ask what papers he/she usually gets signed. I think there are some points around permission to film in private places. what permission does he have to use it or share it or show it to potential customers?
I would be so upset by all of this I would challenge the videographer about my personal data. I am so camera shy and awkward that I would require the videographer to delete any recordings he had of me.
please do this so the videographer thinks twice next time.

Bridgetjonesheart · 23/06/2025 11:11

godmum56 · 23/06/2025 10:58

why can you not tell anyone? why can you not tell the person who did it? Why does she HAVE to be forgiven?

Well you’re right she could tell the person, and tell everyone she didn’t want it. But it leaves a sour note about the whole day and might leave everyone feeling a bit awkward. Can’t see that much would be gained from telling.

WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 23/06/2025 12:22

Do you think the OP is ever coming back?

minmoo2 · 23/06/2025 21:27

@BrickBiscuit the beginning of the post says she loved the wedding & it went exactly how she wanted 🤷‍♀️ it was filmed, yes not without consent but probably not without malice, a friend doing something she thought was nice, she hit it wrong, but it shouldn’t ruin all the memories she does have. She wrote it went exactly how she wanted it to, apart from that.

BrickBiscuit · 23/06/2025 21:47

minmoo2 · 23/06/2025 21:27

@BrickBiscuit the beginning of the post says she loved the wedding & it went exactly how she wanted 🤷‍♀️ it was filmed, yes not without consent but probably not without malice, a friend doing something she thought was nice, she hit it wrong, but it shouldn’t ruin all the memories she does have. She wrote it went exactly how she wanted it to, apart from that.

Although OP's wording is indeed contradictory, it is very clear from her whole post that the videography was a quite devastating blot on the wedding that has done much to ruin her memories so far.

MelodyFinch · 24/06/2025 08:50

I would put it away somewhere safe for years and years. Who knows , when you are no longer young and beautiful it may become an amazing gift. Don’t dwell on it and allow it to spoil your memories.

Biker47 · 24/06/2025 09:19

I'd have told the friend exactly how you felt with what you said in the opening post, if they get upset that's on them, they overstepped massively. If they ever ask I'd say I've never watched it and destroyed it, which I would have done.

godmum56 · 24/06/2025 09:48

MelodyFinch · 24/06/2025 08:50

I would put it away somewhere safe for years and years. Who knows , when you are no longer young and beautiful it may become an amazing gift. Don’t dwell on it and allow it to spoil your memories.

......or a seed in the bra reminder of what a dick "friend" did.

Suecee · 24/06/2025 13:53

My brother in law tried to be sexual with me for years. He and my sister were swingers and he was a sex pest, jokingly encouraged by my sister as soon as I was 16 legal age.
I loved my sister and fended for myself for the sake of family unity. She knew I didnt want my wedding filmed. I was more than happy having my photographer who I knew was top class.

Bil turned up with super 8 cine camera and filmed the arriving in the car, walking to church and all the proceedings afterwards. He was mostly in the background and we just smiled for the photographer.

The cine camera disappeared after the wedding, was lost for around 3 years, till my parents emptied their cloakroom and found the leather case with camera inside, hanging on one of the illusive back coat hangers

The film was developed and made into a video.... which didnt come into my possession till my son was a year old, 6 years after the wedding.

My sister and bil had done everything possible to keep the truth hidden, but finally I received the video and in no particular rush to see it I finally settled in, turned on the TV and began to watch.

My bridesmaids, my sisters daughter and my cousins daughter, looked lovely, happy smiling and every shot was in full head to toe view.

Then the car rolled into view, the shot of me looking out of the car window showed the car door and my chest but I was headless. Every single frame of my father and I, cut off at the neck! And same all way through the video.
Bridesmaids and family shots, perfect but any with bob and I, headless!

I watched a few minutes before I fast screened and got the gist of the thing then I took the video out of the machine and stored it at the back of the cupboard for future recriminations.

When a year later I met the woman who transferred the film to video, she laughed hard, that she finally saw my face.
You can guess how low I rated her, that she dismissed the fact he had operated the camera many times correctly. It wasnt a fault.

Frankly it rankled that the pair of them did such a thing, I clearly saw it as retribution for not allowing him to defile me, and her for the fact that I didn't allow her to overtake my wedding. Much as she tried to do so and imply she was the organiser.

He died young with a brain tumour. Pretty much all you can say about just deserts, having had such putrid designs.

It taught me to beware who I honour, a relative isn't always who they should be.

So back to your video. If you don't want to watch it, just park it, there may come a time, when one of you passes, that it will be just what you need to see.

As for mine. When I finally kicked my sister to the kerb the video went in the burner. The heat was the only good thing that came of the pair of them.

Grendel7 · 24/06/2025 16:59

I would have hated this too and she had no right to do that on your special day. Sorry,but I would be making it clear to my "friends" that it was totally unacceptable and would never speak to the "lovely friend" who hyjacked your wedding again!

RogersOrganismicProcess · 24/06/2025 18:09

Suecee · 24/06/2025 13:53

My brother in law tried to be sexual with me for years. He and my sister were swingers and he was a sex pest, jokingly encouraged by my sister as soon as I was 16 legal age.
I loved my sister and fended for myself for the sake of family unity. She knew I didnt want my wedding filmed. I was more than happy having my photographer who I knew was top class.

Bil turned up with super 8 cine camera and filmed the arriving in the car, walking to church and all the proceedings afterwards. He was mostly in the background and we just smiled for the photographer.

The cine camera disappeared after the wedding, was lost for around 3 years, till my parents emptied their cloakroom and found the leather case with camera inside, hanging on one of the illusive back coat hangers

The film was developed and made into a video.... which didnt come into my possession till my son was a year old, 6 years after the wedding.

My sister and bil had done everything possible to keep the truth hidden, but finally I received the video and in no particular rush to see it I finally settled in, turned on the TV and began to watch.

My bridesmaids, my sisters daughter and my cousins daughter, looked lovely, happy smiling and every shot was in full head to toe view.

Then the car rolled into view, the shot of me looking out of the car window showed the car door and my chest but I was headless. Every single frame of my father and I, cut off at the neck! And same all way through the video.
Bridesmaids and family shots, perfect but any with bob and I, headless!

I watched a few minutes before I fast screened and got the gist of the thing then I took the video out of the machine and stored it at the back of the cupboard for future recriminations.

When a year later I met the woman who transferred the film to video, she laughed hard, that she finally saw my face.
You can guess how low I rated her, that she dismissed the fact he had operated the camera many times correctly. It wasnt a fault.

Frankly it rankled that the pair of them did such a thing, I clearly saw it as retribution for not allowing him to defile me, and her for the fact that I didn't allow her to overtake my wedding. Much as she tried to do so and imply she was the organiser.

He died young with a brain tumour. Pretty much all you can say about just deserts, having had such putrid designs.

It taught me to beware who I honour, a relative isn't always who they should be.

So back to your video. If you don't want to watch it, just park it, there may come a time, when one of you passes, that it will be just what you need to see.

As for mine. When I finally kicked my sister to the kerb the video went in the burner. The heat was the only good thing that came of the pair of them.

Edited

I am so sorry that happened to you @Suecee 💐 I hope you are surrounded by love, respect and genuine kindness from people you can trust.