Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

But that was your choice, for your wedding, in your life.

It's so important to remember people are all different, and respect those differences.

OP I would contact the videographer, it isn’t really their fault as god knows what your friend told them when booking them. But if you’re not interested in the video it means they won’t waste their time editing etc - which is probably a massive part of the cost. And it will mean that next time something like this occurs - although I can’t imagine many people doing this without checking with the bride/groom first- the videographer will think twice about just turning up

You can factually get some of the feelings out which might make you feel a bit better.

It might mean the videographer lets your friend know since the contract is with them, meaning your friend will know you aren’t happy but you don’t have to directly tell her.

While your friend did something they thought you would like, it has upset you, why do her feelings trump yours? If she finds that it upset you yes she may get upset too, but that’s what happens when you do something without checking first, there is always a risk. You don’t have to tell her with all guns blazing, but it might be best to just have the conversation with her

If she’s a great friend then hopefully it is something you can then move on from.

I'm glad you've got your video. But this is 2025 - I have more photos and videos of my nearest and dearest than I am ever even going to have time to look at!

"You'll be glad of the videos later on" ... I hope so but, if anyone had videoed my wedding, they'd be full of a bride glaring daggers at the camera 😂

Why on earth would you not say something? She’s fleeced your friends. She overstepped massively. She’s a moron. And also she clearly felt your wedding was inadequate so took over. Biatch.

The OP absolutely is not overreacting. I hate having my photo taken - some people do. It doesn't mean we're strange and it doesn't mean other people get to decide to do something that we don't want them to do.
Personally, I find it strange that some people want to spend their entire life pulling faces at a camera, but there you go.

I am def a bit worried about this! Haha.

Has your friend posted any of her own video on socials, and tagged the videographer? You could tell a little while lie and say "Hi friend, could you send me the contact details for the videographer? A colleague asked for recommendations."

Are there any other friendship group wedding where she might do this again?

I do think you have to stand up for yourself, for the sake of your sanity. Telling people/her how you feel will be a good way to let off steam, so you won't keep ruminating over it for months/years to come. Either that, or take up boxing 😅

If she saw the man wandering round the church I’m surprised that she didn’t say anything in that case - it would have been much easier for her to have stepped in and sent him away than you.

I disagree with others who are suggesting that you might be glad that you have the video in the future. I got married in 1989 and have a total of eight photos of my wedding and reception, all of which were taken by my mother in law. They captured us signing the register, my dress, the register office, and our friends at the reception - I’ve never ever wished we had more, and certainly not a video!

Is there one friend in the group that you can talk openly about it with who will be understanding and maybe see if they can find a way of letting the others know gently, but that you don't want to talk about it.

That way, everyone is aware of how you feel (and can avoid doing anything similar in the future) but it doesn't become a big thing within the group!

To be honest, it would annoy me too but possibly not as much as it has you. If I felt that strongly about it, I probably would have stopped the ceremony and asked them to leave 😂(not suggesting you should have done by the way....just that I am stubborn enough to do that)

I’d be gutted!! I’m sure your friend did this out of kindness though and it meant well so I would try not to upset her. If she wants you to watch the video with her just try and brush it off say your busy will watch another time etc you might find that in 10/20 years you want to watch it out of curiosity

It’s not that simple though. The friend rounded up all the guests to contribute to the unwanted videographer which meant they didn’t give presents (which would have been more appreciated and valued by the bride!)

Friend has massively overstepped here.

Ah didn’t see your update OP re the videographer. In that case I would message your friend and ask for their details and don’t give any other info away yet. Then have the discussion with the videographer

She definitely would have if she'd clocked the videographer before the wedding, but she didn't. This was during the service. I'm definitely glad she didn't make a scene half way through the actual wedding! (I thought about it but that would have taken me right out of the moment!)

If you haven't got the videographer's contact details, get them off your friend ASAP. Call the videographer, a professional, and have a professional conversation with them - I'd say I'm sure they'd do a great job but your friend did this without your knowledge and the video is not something you want or consent to. You don't want them to waste any time so please don't edit it, just delete it. Politely recommend that they look at their consent/permissions policy going forward as you're confused as to how this even happened. I think you'll feel a bit more in control of the situation after that and you can decide how/if to relay that back to your friend.

Yeah agree
Actually I think arranging a videographer at all was really rude -given this friend had one presumably she's aware that it usually involves a lot of discussion about what you want to be focused on etc. It's a huge overstep.

Plus given most people are usually generous at weddings she has "lost" you several grand of stuff you could have actually used, and given all your friends the impression you couldn't afford a videographer.

I think you not telling her why you didn't want one in case you hurt her feelings was probably you overthinking a bit - most people would understand that everyone is different and wouldn't get offended if you'd said "nah you know what dp and I are like about photos we're barely tolerating a photographer!" Even if you didn't tell her it seems strange that you haven't mentioned the real reason why to any of your closest friends. But none of that excuses her actions.

I would be tempted to be completely honest with anyone who asks - you aren't in the wrong here, she is.

Tbh this situation is SO weird I don't see how it happened - the videographer didn't check consent, the friend group all agreed to do it, the wedding party just let it happen, the church accepted it despite copyright issues.

Everyone being so completely passive seems very unlikely.

Ask your friend for the name of the videographer. You don't need to go into feelings, just one neutral question.

I understand this could be an unpopular opinion but if you get as far as receiving the video you can just bin it. I've started doing that with unwanted gifts from my mother (charity shop if poss but doesn't work for everything). It is very liberating to get the unwanted thing swiftly out from your inventory rather than shuffling it about in drawers. Marie Kondo - the gift has already done its job in being given, for good or ill. You're not morally obliged to keep it and in my experience getting rid can be very helpful.

You are wrong. Utterly, demonstrably, and insensitively wrong.

The fact you don't mind having your photograph taken doesn't equate to the idea that nobody should mind having their photograph taken. Different people have different levels of comfort about this, and there is no universal 'correct' way.

Quite aside from that, there's also the betrayal of trust the poor OP suffered at the hands of their friend who went ahead and arranged the videographer. It shows a level of disrespect for both the wishes of another and a disregard for the importance of their special day. I accept the friend did it in all innocence, and genuinely believed they were doing something nice, but the result is still the same; their thoughtless action caused unnecessary stress.

I'm not surprised you're upset. I would have hated this too.
My dad was keen for us to have a videographer but I was dead set against it and he respected that. I don't regret the fact that we didn't have one.

I'm astonished that the videographer can take official instruction from anyone other than the bride and groom. I'd get in touch with him and explain how uncomfortable it's made you feel and encourage him to review his practises.

I don't have a suggestion of the words to expain the situation to your friend, but someone more eloquent and tactful than me will have I'm sure.

Won't the friends be asking if you like the video?

That's an opportunity to be honest and say the sudden appearance of a videographer was a shock, confusing and intrusive to you, your H and mother as no one knew why this person had shown up and was doing it.

Separate it out from the video itself.

I do understand you don't want to upset them but just be honest about it and a good friend should understand.

I don’t think you are overacting. I think your friend was being invasive and unfair in imposing her ideas on to your wedding. I would be really upset with this too.

it’s your day, you plan it and pay for it. She has interfered and that is not ok. Sorry, but I would have to say something. I couldn’t leave this.

This happened recently at a wedding that I was bridesmaid at, only it was her husband who has organised it! We were in a hotel suite getting ready before the wedding and it was very intrusive in such a small space and in such private and special moments, she actually did boot him out in the end and told her husband in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t welcome. The end result of what he got was quite nice but it not sure it was worth the stress it caused.

The worst is yet to come your friend will turn up at your door with a bottle for an evening to watch the video together.

There's no way she's not going to want to see it given her batshit actions to date

@L0bstersLass "I'm astonished that the videographer can take official instruction from anyone other than the bride and groom." yes this is the most unbelievable bit of the whole thing.