Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

It took years for me to cut the rot out. So family oriented, but no point when you are the only one that gives a fig.
I have my own family, my father told me when I was 11 years old, that I would realise one day that family are as good as families do.

He also told me that I must try to stop pleasing everyone, it wouldnt work and it wouldn't make me happy.

I was 53 before I acted on his advice. Crazy as a bag of Blue Titts!

Yes. Im very happy. People have to prove themselves before they apply
🥰

I'm sorry this happened, @banjomonkey - it was insensitive and intrusive even if your friend thought she was being generous, she was doing it on her own terms. My DH and I knew we did not want a videographer because of the likelihood of spoiling the actual experience and sacredness of the day for the sake of recording it. I felt beautiful on the day but objectively I was never pretty or photogenic, and I wanted to be allowed to recall the day later with the rosy tints of memory rather than the harsher reality of video. I agree with you that the solemn part of the marriage ceremony should be the focus of your attention because it is a beautiful but serious commitment you are making, and you shouldn't be distracted while doing so.
So yes. Your friend overstepped and bulldozed you into something she would have wanted, and you are right to feel aggrieved. I give you credit for not wanting to call it out and upset her and other friends.

But if it helps.... about a million years ago I took part in a job related passing out ceremony that involved marching (not military). Our turn out and drill were awful and it was only just the right side of comical. We had friends and family present and I was mortified for my DF (ex Grenadier Guards officer) to witness it. We were all presented with a video of the event which I shoved in a box in the attic without viewing it. Two decades later I came across that video and watched it through. It was as excruciating as I remembered. But right at the end I saw several moments of my darling Father- by then 20 years dead- smiling and applauding and looking happy and proud. I can't describe what that means to me now as he didn't live very long after the event and didn't see my professional successes that followed.
In years to come the recollection of your friend's misstep will have faded and you may find her recording of your wedding day brings joy instead to you or others.
Here's wishing you and your DH a long and very happy married life together. 💐

Thankyou for that. It means a lot

OP left the building 5 days ago.

A relative of my hubby's decided to do his own DIY video, uninvited or announced at my wedding, just appearing all over with his lens in our faces. There's a lovely shot of me whispering to my hubby 'I wish he'd f* off with that camera' - and yes he caught it and left in the video he gifted us. 😂

Ok I’m just gonna be straight forward here cause in this current day, people are too sensitive and worried about sounding horrible (que the eye roll) even if it’s the truth BUT I would be furious! It sounds like your pretty laid back and not been a bridezilla- if that was me? I would ask my closest friends to come for lunch’ and then tell them how I truly feel. Something like - thank you for attempting to do something that YOU felt was nice but I said I didn’t want that, and you went against the one thing that me and my groom both agreed on, that was really sh**ty! If it was anything else hmmm ok, but you legit did the one thing I was adamant we didn’t want! And you also took away the wedding presents, it’s not about the money it’s the sentimental keep sake gifts that hold the thoughts and well wishes for our big day - you shouldn’t have done that. There are a lot of people on here saying “down the line 10/20/30 years you will be happy watching back” nah F off with that crap, a bride (any person in general) should be able to make clear boundaries and have them respected, whether if anyone thinks your reaction or initial thoughts on getting pics n videos are “weird” who cares?? It’s YOUR day - I empathise cause I too hate being in pics n videos - not everyone wants to put on a show and if anything I LOVE the fact that your wedding was planned around being in the moment and that holds more value over watching a video 30 years down the line (que another eye roll) this generation spend too much time living through screens that they miss living in the moment - so see 30 years down the line? You will remember it more clearly and how it felt - and make it clear you or your husband will not be looking or watching any of it! Please please don’t question yourself - always go with your gut and if your “friends” are not happy and fall out with you ? Then goodbye 👋🏼 they ain’t friends !

I'm sorry if this is repeating what someone already said - I haven't time to read the 28(!) pages of comments. But I would contact the videographer and tell them that it was inappropriate to video a wedding without agreement of the couple themselves. I would explain the situation about the presents and you never know he/she might have the heart to refund you some/all of the money that should have gone on wedding gifts (sounds like you maybe had a list?). I'm quite a direct person and I would (diplomatically) share my feelings with the friend who organised it. Explain that you know she did it from a place of love and try not to make her feel bad (maybe even say that one day you might thank her for it) but let her know that it feels dishonest to keep your feelings from her. I think she should know that she did the wrong thing so in future she will be more considerate.

When we got married in the 1980s, wedding videos were still quite rare. We definitely didn't want one as we had been to a wedding a few months before ours where we felt the day was somewhat ruined by the intrusive videographer and the sense that some of the events were being "staged" specifically for the video.

Our wedding was to be in a very small church and while talking to the vicar early on he explicitly said he didn't think videos were appropriate in that church. We assured him we had no intention of having one.

Then a friend of the family approached my DM to say they were thinking of paying for a video for our wedding as a present and she just wanted to check we would like it! Thankfully we were able to gracefully turn down the offer without offending them by explaining about the vicar's restrictions.

Thank goodness though that they had at least the common sense to check first, unlike your friend.

Don't be a drama llama. Friend didn't realise and was trying to do something nice. Exactly as the OP stated.

But had it been me and I really didn't want a videographer I'd have just said to one of my friends "get rid of the videographer, I'll explain later" and they'd have no doubt done that.