Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

DH went to a wedding back in the dark ages (early 90s maybe) when camcorders were new and exciting and wedding videos not really a thing.
A friend of the couple had a camcorder so decided he'd secretly take some footage at the reception as a nice surprise for them.
He went round asking varying guests to say a few nice things about the wedding but all you could see later were various dressed up people listening to this friend saying: "Just act naturally and say something nice to Jane and John. Ready? Right, I'll just turn it on..." 🤦🏻‍♀️

I think her talking to you about how much she liked having a videographer was a broad hint - too subtle as it’s turned out, and that was your opportunity to say absolutely not. She was testing the water. It’s such a shame, but I think you do need to speak to her about it so nothing like this happens again.

Has she watched her video a lot?
Does she do screenings?

I am surprised by this too! There were children in the bridal party etc etc. And I am quite sad that the vicar (who I know and like) didn't veto it too.

I agree that it's also really unprofessional of the videographer. What if you'd had guests who didn't want to be filmed for whatever reason (young children/celebrity friends or someone skipping work to be there 😁/fleeing a DV situation/witness protection) - yes the argument is that the video should only go back to your friend who was there anyway but you (or guests) have absolutely no control over what she or the videographer does with their images.

Rude and slightly mad of her. But you are over-reacting: after all, you had a photographer even though your husband hates being photographed. And a lot of this is down to you not asking them to stop - you've said 'they were in your eyeline all day' but also you couldn't find them after the service.

You need to think about why you and your husband felt unable to make this clear on the day.

Now it's done - it won't happen again, I wouldn't bother raising it with your friend.

There are often a lot of threads with brides fixating on something that 'ruined their special day' - but there is ALWAYS some drama, please don't fixate on it.

I agree with this. There were moments I cringed at in my wedding video (because I study myself in photos and videos far too much than I should!) but we watch it back occasionally years later and it gets better and better with age. You forget so much from your wedding day and the video brings it all back in a way that even the most candid photos can’t - and we had an incredible photographer too but it’s just not the same.

I’d be annoyed too though OP but I’d try to move on by thinking of any positives for you - and I certainly wouldn’t let it spoil my day. Tbh, your reaction to having your photo taken (and your DH’s) is an overreaction. My parents were like this and I have barely any photos of us together from my childhood - it’s quite sad actually and upsets me and my siblings.

I'm glad it's helpful to reframe it 💕

But do still take your time to process it and don't shame yourself for your feelings. Just because you can find a way to come to terms with it, it doesn't undermine or invalidate your perfectly reasonable feelings. Take your time and be gentle on yourself. I hope you have a lovely marriage (and hopefully a nice honeymoon to look forward to 🤩🥰)

I was the same as you. I hated the thought of a videographer as I am quite self conscious. It was something my husband really wanted though.

I couldn't bring myself to watch it until quite a few years later but actually made a real nice evening.

not to dismiss your feeling as your friend was definitely wrong to do this! But in a few years time you may be able to bring yourself to watch it and quite enjoy it.

Your friend overstepped the mark. She had no right to do this.

You can’t turn back the clock and what’s done is done. I wouldn’t give this any more headspace - you can’t change it.

It sounds like you are suffering from ‘post wedding blues’ which is v common. It’s common for brides to feel sad or emotional letdown after the wedding day. Despite best planning, weddings rarely go exactly as imagined, if things didn’t feel as perfect as hoped, that can create disappointment or sadness afterward.

I’m sure your friend didn’t do this out of spite or to upset you. Tell her how you feel (friends should be able to do this) and move on from it.

Why was it necessary for anyone to pay a huge sum for a video of their wedding. In this day and age it is simple enough for a family member to do. The whole thing sounds mad. So sorry that this ridiculous friend persuaded your guests to agree to such a thing.

I said they were in my eyeline during the actual wedding vows and service. I didn't see them for a while afterwards. My husband was completely happy to have a photographer there on the terms we discussed with the photographer - I wouldn't have had one otherwise because I wasn't fussed one way or another. After the service, I was saying hello to a hundred people! It wasn't the time or place for contractual conversations with a videographer!

I'm with you OP. We didn't have a photographer or video person at our wedding, we just asked a friend who was a good amateur photographer to take some snaps.

We specifically requested (politely!) on our invites that no one videod it. This was back in the day pre digital photography and I'd been to several weddings where guests were barging other guests out of the way to get video shots of the happy couple.

31 years later I still have no regrets that there's no video of our wedding.

My sister did have hers professionally photographed and a friend of hers videod it. I asked her a few years ago if she'd ever shown her (then teenage) children the video and she said she hadn't a clue where the video was and she had no means of playing it anyway as it was on VHS.

For now, say nothing and let your feelings settle down.

If in future she asks you how you like the video, you can say something like:

“Well Sally, the best thing about the video is that you cared enough to arrange it for me. I know you did it to make me happy and you are such a dear friend to me.”

Hopefully that will be enough, but if she really pushes it and you feel you have to set the record straight you can continue:

”It’s really hard for me to say this because I know you did it out of love, but Husband & I actually didn’t want a videographer at my wedding and so I’m just coming to terms with the fact that it happened and I’m not ready to watch the video yet. But I do know that it came from the best of intentions, and I love you for that”.

I can understand not wanting pictures/videos, and the imposition of a gift you didn’t want. But I think your reaction is a bit extreme. It took you out of the moment? Did you ban other people from taking pictures, too?

I also find it a bit hard to believe that someone would just rock up to a wedding without any contact with the wedding party/organisers, and just start shooting footage.

How so? Not wishing or wanting to have photos taken is a personal choice and FWIW I hate it too! It is not a strange reaction……it is a personal choice.

You might like it in 20 years time. When I was married 26 years ago someone offered to film it with a huge video recorder they could borrow from their uni. We said no as it wasn't common back then ,don't even think there were phones other than Nokia bricks back then. Now I really wish we'd said yes, I'd have loved to watch it especially of the family that is no longer with us.

I voted you are being unreasonable.

I understand you didn’t want a videographer, I wouldn’t want one either. And I understand how intrusive it must have felt on the day, especially when the first you were aware of it was when you arrived at the church. I can also understand why you didn’t say anything at the church - blindsided by him being there, overwhelmed by the day of the wedding, about to walk into the church.

However, where I think you are being a little unreasonable now is first, that you didn’t say anything later on in the day, you must have had plenty of opportunity after the church ceremony to speak to him and say something, even a quick “we didn’t book you, where did you come from/why are you here”.
and second, that you are letting this become the focus of your memories of the day. So much else must have happened on the day that you could at least try to focus on!

This was clearly a misunderstanding from your friend. You said you weren’t having a videographer and were fine with that. You say she loved having one. She probably loved it so much she couldn’t imagine anyone not wanting one and misinterpreted your comment as perhaps your budget didn’t stretch.
If she’s otherwise a great friend and you want the friendship to continue then you cannot not bring this up. Just have a conversation, it can be as simple as “We didn’t want a videographer, it just wasn’t what we wanted, but I appreciate you were trying to do a nice thing”.

Your friend massively overstepped and i think it's okay for you to tell her that. She should've come back to you and said "some of us thought we'd chip in for the videographer as you mentioned not having one – is that okay?" But she didn't. She just took it upon herself to arbitrarily dictate a huge part of your wedding day. If you don't feel you can say anything directly, what about feeding it back through the MOH/bridesmaid/best man? You don't have to be nasty – just mention how you hated being videoed during the vows because it was a horrible distraction and you wished someone had checked with you first because you would've said you really didn't want one and told your friends to save their money.

Im sorry Op I really understand this - it was your special day and she massively overstepped and did something you didn't want that intruded on it.

However. It's been done now - in the end, you had your wedding, it was done with kind intentions and there is nothing you can do to undo it - you need to make peace with it.

I also understand how upsetting the way she controlled others gifts is but I think you have to accept everyone decided to join in - they could have said no and obviously lots of people thought it was a nice idea.

I think this is one you have to just try to laugh at so it doesn't eat you up!

Why don’t you watch the video? Imagine if you like it?
if you don’t, just bin it?

I think it’s a very kind gesture that’s not malicious but you’re whole friendship group and family didn’t seem aware of how much you didn’t want anyone to film the wedding so it hasn’t been done to upset you.

Your friend made a huge mistake, and when you told her you weren't having a videographer, she assumed that perhaps you couldn't afford one. Unfortunately, her assumption was way off the mark, and instead of probing you to find out why you weren't having one, or if you actually wanted one, she didn't. She took it upon herself to organise a videographer herself, and roped other friends into contributing to the cost. Just because she liked having a videographer, she's assumed you would too. Not everyone is comfortable with being photographed, let alone filmed!! I had a photographer and videographer at my wedding but I'll be honest, I've watched it once in the 17 years I have been married! It's something I may come to appreciate in years to come though, and perhaps that's your best way of looking at it too. Once our parents, extended family start to pass away, it's a nice momento to look back on. Your friend is more tricky, you don't want to appear ungrateful but equally she didn't ask enough questions and made a huge amount of assumptions. If you decide to say something, it is likely to be the end of your friendship, as she will view you as being ungrateful and mean. There's nothing really subtle you can say, that let's her know you weren't happy about it, and salvages the friendship. The videographer isn't to blame, he was hired by your friend to provide his services. My only gripe would be, that in the future he needs to get consent from the people he's filming, rather than the person paying the invoice. That may be the only thing you could say to him, as a recommendation going forward.

Well intended but way off mark!

Nightmare!

Id be gutted about the videographer & gifts/cards

If your feeling up for it I would address it head on "I'm so oddly disappointed that my wedding plans were ignored & that a videographer was hired, it's almost like my wishes didn't count at all & my friends didn't care" then just put your phone on airplane mode & don't respond back