Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

I think the fact that the intent was good doesn't change the fact that the friend was completely out of order. It's not okay to change something about someone else's wedding, and I suspect if she got lots of friends onside to pay for it, she wasn't accurate in what she told them. She must have told them you really wanted it but couldn't afford it, as otherwise surely other friends would have piped up that it wasn't a good idea. Do you have a good friend in the group you could chat to, to get a picture of what happened? Then I'd definitely speak to the friend and let her know the impact of her actions so she doesn't do something like that again. I'd also get the details of the videographer and have the conversations already suggested - basically how did they agree to video a wedding where they didn't speak to the bride or groom? The whole thing has so many red flags over it, I wouldn't be surprised if the friend was a little bit deceitful or omitted key information to get this to happen.

A total overstep by your friend on your wedding day. That is really disgraceful cheek to upset your wedding day like that.

When I was getting married, I was just about to walk into the church with my dad, 2 girls I don’t know very well jumped out called my name and frightened the life out of me just as I was about to walk up the aisle. I was so annoyed at them for years afterwards but I did forget it and just remembering it now for this thread, has made me laugh. Maybe I took it a bit too seriously and we were all very young.

I hope you can laugh at this in time too, but I think you need to say or do something to put this right. She way way overstepped and should not have gathered money from others or invited someone to your wedding without your consent.
That was very bad behaviour on her part. Even if she is great at other times. What she did on that one day was really appalling.

She shouldn't have done it, but it's a ridiculous thing to get this worked up about.

I completely understand your reaction OP, I am sorry it spoiled it for you. Tell your friend (or the videographer if you have their contact details) that you do not want a copy of the video and you do not want anyone else to get a copy of it either. I am not sure she actually had the right to have you filmed without your permission at a private event.
Having said that I think I would have found time to get someone to tell them to stop videoing you as soon as you could.

Did none of the guests that contribute to the videographer know how against this you were? If you’d have told me this and then I was asked to contribute to one I would have refused and discouraged them from doing it.

I don’t blame you for feeling this way, it’s a massive imposition IMO. Having said that, there’s not much you can do about it now. I’d like to think in your situation I would have said something at the time and asked the videographer to leave but walking down the aisle isn’t really the time or place to feel comfortable doing this! Did the groom not notice him before you got there and if so, that would have been the time to ask him to leave

I think it was an incredibly intrusive thing for your friend to do and she massively overstepped. I'd say that she (and anyone else who can't understand why you are upset) is completely self absorbed. Why would anyone think that just because they had a videographer at their wedding another person would want the same?
Weddings are made up of personal choices your dress, your venue, your catering, your guests. Would people think it was OK if she'd interfered in any of those choices and changed them without consulting you? If you'd wanted a videographer you'd have arranged one, not left it to the chance that someone might randomly take it upon themselves to organize one for you. As for getting your other guests to pay for it instead of gifts - words fail me.

I would definitely say something to her, firstly she didn't consider whether she might upset you with her actions so don't be too shy about upsetting her, and secondly she may decide to do the same thing to someone else and upset them. She needs to reflect that not everyones choices are the same as hers.

'I know your intentions were good Sarah, but I didn't want a videographer, that's why I didn't hire one, going forward I suggest that if you want to do this for someone you consult them first so you don't cause upset'

If you don't say something, be ready for a stranger with a videocam to burst in when you are giving birth (for example).

They say you can gage how much something actually matters by visualising how important it will be at the end of your life. So in the last moments of your life, when the end is near, is this even going to figure in your mind? Or will there be far far bigger things to be upset about? Ultimately it just doesn’t matter as much as you think it does. Nothing does.

I wouldn’t lie. I’d probably say something like it was really kind of everybody to do it but you would rather not have had one there. It was a nice idea but that it made you a bit uncomfortable and unable to act naturally.

Although I can’t believe none of the other friends that put towards it didn’t give you a heads up when they found out about it. I wonder if she made it sound like she’d ok’d it with you first.

Imagine it!! Surprise! I had him video the live birth of our twins and stream it online, thought you would like the same !

SMILE

I’ve just read the other posts and can see I’m in a minority here 😬😅
I genuinely wouldn’t want to ruin friendships over this though as I’m sure it was done with love (and stupidity) on their part x

I would complain to the videographer/leave them a bad review. They should not be accepting wedding jobs where they haven't talked to the bride or groom.

I would be so mad if a friend did this to me and would definitely let them know it was out of line.

Actually, the more I think about it, the organising friend must have been deceitful to the other friends. If one of my pals was getting married and another one got us all to put in for a surprise videographer I'd have asked if they were sure that was what the bride wanted, was the bride involved, had she been asked to do it, was she sure a surprise is what the bride wanted, etc. I'd have been very wary of anything like that, I'd say most people would.

@banjomonkey Given the GDPR issue that would have red flagged any professional photographer/videographer worth his/her salt; do you think your friend is a friend of this videographer who wanted a paid gig/some experience under his belt and that you and your friends who chipped in have been used for someone's business development or a bit of cash in hand work?

I get this OP. One of my relatives took it upon themselves to video our wedding, when I specifically didn’t want it. I have never watched it. Fortunately it wasn’t intrusive on the day. I would be livid in your shoes. I hope you are able to find a way to talk to her about it.

Exactly. And all the people saying 'Oh, it didn't really affect your day' are just completely dismissing how the OP felt about her own wedding.

I'm not particularly shy about being filmed in general; I've been on video and done TV interviews loads of times for work in the past and it doesn't bother me. But I really, really wouldn't want a videographer at my wedding, for numerous reasons, and if someone a) decided I was wrong about my own wedding choices and that they knew better than me and b) badgered other guests into ignoring our wedding list of items that we actually wanted in favour of making them pay for something we actively didn't want, I would be utterly fucking furious.

I bet the OP's friend is one of those people who organises surprise birthday parties for people who have made it clear they actively hate parties, just because they can't accept that some people really just don't want a fuss and are convinced that everyone must enjoy the same things they do.

You are not overreacting at all, that is completely overstepping the mark. No one should be involving themselves in the organisation of someone's wedding like that. Totally inappropriate. I too would hate to be filmed.

Honestly madness like this is why we eloped. Never regretted it even for a second

I think it was very well meaning of her, but she actually railroaded your wedding plans and unless she was your maid of honor and expected to do this kind of thing, I think she over-stepped.

I paid for a band to play at my cousin's wedding, but I checked with her first if this was something she wanted and it was.

I think instead of just saying you weren't having one you should have said why. If it was that important to you not to have one you could have politely sent them away at the wedding too. It was rude of friend imo but could have been stopped on the day too.

She must have thought that it was a cost you couldnt include and because she loved having one then she thought it would be the best present ever to arrange this for tou.
If you try and think of it from her shoes, it came from the heart, took a lot of organising and a lot of love went into arranging this for you
For that reason I think you should cherish the video, the amount of work, effort and coordination by your friend and multiple others that contributed to it, you should look at the video as a declaration of love and a symbol of how many people care that much to arrange and pay for it for you. Dont jusy think of it as a video of you. Its not, its a video of everyone you love and who loves you.
Therefore, change your mindset on the video, cherish it for what it is and think about future generations who will no doubt cherish and watch it too.
You will have video footage of family members who may not be with you in years to come, and you can watch it back in 20 years and remember the happy day, the love from your friend to organise it, live from friends who paid for it and get to see them all and your family enjoying your day together .

No, it's not. You have absolutely no idea how uncomfortable and self-conscious and miserable those of us who don't photograph well feel when the cameras come out.

I would have zero qualms telling friend how out of line she is to not only book this, but to then gather payment for it, thus reducing the experience and joy of opening wedding gifts. ( I know it's not a given, but most folk give gifts)

I CANNOT stand people like your friend. This was all about her projecting her likes and tastes onto you.

Who does something like this unless they are absolutely sure the recipient is on board and consents to being videod, ffs!!

I get it OP, she tarnished the memory of your wedding day and reduced part of the whole 'getting married' experience. I wouldn't see her in same light again.

I think it's clear she meant well and probably thought it would be a lovely surprise, but if it goes so against what you feel comfortable with then I can understand why you're upset. How did you respond on the day (or afterwards) when you found out what had happened? - I'm assuming you felt compelled to thank her in some way? In which case unless you're a very good actress she may already have some idea that it wasn't entirely welcome.

I don't think I'd be able to let it lie entirely so would probably contact her, but would try and do it in as nice a way as possible, along the lines of, "I feel really bad bringing this up as it's awkward for both of us and I know your intentions were good, but I did want to let you know that I really didn't want a videographer at my wedding. Maybe I should have made this clearer, but it wasn't a decision I made because of expense, I am just uncomfortable with being filmed. I wish you had spoken to me about it beforehand as it's a shame that you and the others spent money on this when it wasn't something I wanted. There's nothing that can be done now I realise but I thought I should let you know." In a way it serves no purpose because as you rightly say, she can't exactly undo it, but I think I'd want an apology or at least a bit of remorse that she hadn't checked first. Imagine if she now thinks you love surprises and ambushes you again in some way in future!

She shouldn't need to explain herself, "I don't want one" should be sufficient for anyone who has decent boundaries. OP has already said she wasn't emphatic about not wanting one with her friend because she didn't want to offend her friend who did have one. You are making it the OP's fault that her friend did something massively over-stepping her boundaries. Photography/videography at a wedding is a fundamental part of the organisation of the event. If you are not the designated event organiser or the bride or groom, you have zero right to organie something like this as a guest, no more than you'd have the right to turn up with your own choice of flowers or a wedding cake.

ETA, you edited your post after I started replying. It's all very well to say the videographer could have been politely sent away. The OP was blindsided. Avoiding making a scene just before she walks down the aisle and while she's making her vows isn't a failing on her part.

This is a really difficult one, OP.

You and your husband aren't being unreasonable to feel the way you do.

On the other hand, there was clearly no malice intended. Your friend thought she was doing a lovely thing, and didn't know that it was the opposite of what you wanted.

What I would say is, don't destroy the video. You don't have to watch it, but I would keep it somewhere safe so that it can be viewed in the future. Even if you're sure you'll never change your mind and want to watch it, perhaps one day your children or even grandchildren will want to watch it.

We recently found some very old videos from the 1990s, including some footage from my auntie's wedding. Being able to watch my long dead grandad's father of the bride speech brought a tear to my eye.

What a strange comment

So if OP said she didnt want a chocolate cake and her "friend" decided to set one up at the reception, would you say the same? "You have a strange reaction to chocolate cake"

Or an extra flower girl shows up as "friend" decided her daughter should be part of the ceremony "you have a strange reaction to flower girls"??

Her wedding, her choice