Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

I think I would have asked the videographer to stop filming and asked him/ her to leave.

I hope that one day you feel differently. We didn’t have one and twenty years later I really regret this. I’d love to be able to look back, show our children and have moving images of those who have since died.

You are not overreacting. It's selfish of your friend to go ahead with what she wanted despite you saying you didn't want one.

I clicked you are not being unreasonable because it should have been your decision and your friend overstepped, however you may come to like the video in time. I didn’t have a video of my wedding and I now wish I had. Not to see me (that would still make me self conscious) but to be able to see those family members that have passed. There’s something very different seeing them on video rather than static. I accidentally came across a video clip of an aunt getting off a bus on YouTube recently and it was a comfort to see her I wish I had video of my dad

That would entail using words...
I didn´t want video of my wedding and used my words to make it crystal clear.
But the rest, is over reacting, it´s just photos, they´re not stealing your soul or anything.

@banjomonkey I'd contact your friend and tell her the situation - you specifically did not want a videographer and this has upset you a lot that one attended without your consent, so you now need her to give you the contact details for the videographer she arranged so that you can arrange for unwanted footage to be disposed of confidentially and ensure it doesn't get shared further without your consent. Her CF-ery doesn't get to trump your consent and your choices around privacy. If her feelings are hurt, tough. She should have thought of that before organising something like this without checking with you or your husband that it wouldn't be upsetting for you.

I don't think the OP is over-reacting.
Why do you feel the need to be so dismissive?

In her shoes, I would feel compelled to say something to the 'friend', and have a serious chat with this supposedly-professional-videographer about their working practices and the issues around safeguarding and potential copyright infringement. If I didn't feel reassured that they would do a far better job in future in terms of seeking consent before filiming, I'd also be publicising their behaviour and warning people not to use their services.

And OP, I think you need to be honest with other friends about how much this upset you. Let's hope they're not all as unsympathetic as @WitchesofPainswick

I think it’s quite common to fixate on one thing that didn’t go right after a big event. It’s a sicky horrible feeling because you can’t fix it or change it and it’s so galling that happened despite all your planning and hard work. This is a huge one though, to have been distracted and bothered during the ceremony by a stranger doing something you definitely didn’t want. I can see why you’re so upset.

But the important things still happened, you both said your vows to each other and you still meant them just as much as you would have without the distraction. Nobody took that away from you.

If I were you I wouldn’t say anything to your friend just now while it’s still so raw because the strength of your feeling about it right now could be very hurtful to her. But later on, when you have a bit of distance from it, it would be worth telling her you wish she had checked with you or your mum about it first because you didn’t like being taken by surprise on the day when you had planned everything so carefully. Then you’re letting her know that she overstepped, without telling her exactly how much you hated it, which hopefully will mean you don’t have to keep all your feelings on it a secret but can move forward with the friendship without too much damage or resentment on either side. She definitely did overstep and needs to know.

I totally get why you’re upset but this is one of those things that can’t be changed now, so you’d be better off finding a way to make peace with it.

Me, I’d chuck the video in a drawer and work on trying to see the ridiculousness in the situation.

You had a nice day apart from this, so don’t focus on it. The seeds you water grow and all that. Focus on the lovely memories and laugh about the bit that went wrong.

I say this as someone who had a couple of major disasters on my wedding day.

Sorry OP if it bothered you that much you would have found the 30 seconds or asked someone to tell them for you. We had a point person at our wedding so I wouldn't have to deal with the things that occur on the day and need decisions (shall we start serving now etc).

I have never known anyone to be that super bothered by a video. I think instead of deciding you were going to hate it and let it upset you and ruin your day, why didn't you just embrace it an say 'well they are here now so let's make the best of it or TELL THEM'.

It drives me nuts that people passively let things happen around them and then complain afterward. There isn't anything that can be done now - the moment to change things has gone so either accept it and move on or stay in a negative space.

Your friend massively over stepped her boundaries. How you plan your wedding is for you and your DH alone. I don’t care if she got upset I would be telling her exactly how she made you feel on your wedding day, a day that no one can take back

And I would be putting a review on the videographers website when you get the details (surely you will get the video from the CF friend at some point and it will have them then)

I get that it’s a busy day but I would have been asking my parents to tell him to leave while you were talking to your guests. And to be honest I would have probably asked the friend to leave to

It’s not an over reaction to be unhappy that someone thought they could over rule you on your wedding day

I wouldn't want a friend like this, who thinks she is perfectly entitled to take over important events in your life because SHE thinks she knows best.

If you don't tell her she may rock up at the birth of your first child with a camera pointed at your vagina because she did the same and found it magical to watch.

I don't care how nice she seems to be she's crossed a massive line and I'd be furious.

The over-reaction is the fixation about a thing that has spoiled a day (that hasn't really!). I admit I have been to various weddings where PROPER things have gone wrong (I think the peak was an elderly Aunt vomiting on the top table and then dropping dead from a heart attack).

I totally agree that this is a very odd GDPR decision from the videographer AND the friends - and I can't understand why people didn't question it when your friend suggested it. I can't imagine going along with this sort of madcap plan. I think it's a weird thing for the friend/s to have done. But it IS done, and can't be undone.

I'd let it go. Yes, the friend was absolutely wrong to organise this without finding out if you wanted the ceremony videoed, and roping in other guests to help pay. However, in years to come you may come to appreciate it as your memories of the day start to fade. I'm assuming the videographer captured guests as well as you and DH? It's my 35 year anniversary in a few days. Won't be celebrating as DH died last year at the age of 59. I love looking at the video now with him in it, and older loved ones who have since passed. It brings back happy memories. My kids also love watching their mum and dad's wedding and seeing other relatives. You were right to be pissed at the gesture, but it's not worth hanging on to that emotion.

I would have stopped them before I entered the church.

’I don’t care who hired you, it’s my wedding and I don’t want you filming. Please leave NOW!’

I would never talk to the friend again after I told her what you have just written.

I'm a photographer and there's no way I'd ever do a wedding without the bride and groom's knowledge, regardless of how well meant the gesture was from a friend or relative. Videographer needs to take a long hard look at themselves.

Also extremely weird that a) your friend would think this is a good idea, and b) not one of the others who contributed could see it was a bad idea and put a stop to it.

Odd behaviour all round.

That's lovely for you (and similarly for all the other people who are glad they have their wedding video). But it was your choice for your wedding. The OP made her choice for her wedding and that choice was not to have it filmed. Someone else then just decided they knew better than she did what was best for her, and then not only went against her wishes but also roped other guests into paying for it. That was incredibly pushy and intrusive of her.

😂😂😂

I think it’s worth trying to put this into perspective.

Your friend really thought she was doing something kind and thoughtful but clealry she got it very wrong. I doubt she did it to upset you, and I suspect she'd be absolutely mortified if she realised how you feel.

You’ve said your wedding was lovely and you were really happy with it, apart from this one thing. Is there a way you can reframe how you think about the day by focusing on all the moments that were still special and meaningful, rather than this one negative element? if it was meant in malice Id understand you dwelling on it, but it's actually a sign that your friends care.. even if they don't get it right sometimes.
You and DH might not like looking at yourselves in photos/videos but they clearly think you should.

As for the joint contribution, if you’re genuinely not too bothered about what they gave, maybe it’s best to let them think they helped organise a nice gift. It wasn’t a waste of money in their eyes, and keeping it that way might save further awkwardness.

If you did decide to tell your friend how you feel, it might give you a bit of relief in the short term, but it probably won’t change anything. And there's a good chance you'd end up feeling bad. She and the others might be hurt or defensive, and misunderstand your intentions. I do feel for you, as it's a tricky one.

You did say you had the day you wanted in so many other ways, and while having a videographer unexpectedly bobbing around during the ceremony is intrusive and annoying, they weren’t a constant presence, and didn’t derail the whole day by the sound of it.

If you have children, they’ll love seeing that footage of their parents tying the knot. I love watching my parents wedding video. Especially since my Dad died.
As awful as it might feel right now, if it were me, I’d probably bite the bullet and watch the video with as open a mind as possible. Without your friends. Perhaps request that you and DH want to watch it together to head them off. You might be surprised, it might help you see the day was really how you wanted it anyway.
She might have been a bit misguided, but it came from a place of kindness, not from being a CF.

This many times over

The posters that are insisting that the OP will like it in the future are as bad as the CF friend

It’s sad that you feel like this and so annoying for you.
im guessing that you don’t want to say anything about this now - as you would have already done this on the day and said pls can you move away and not film.
Therefore you’re stuck with it.
I'm also guessing you don’t want to lose your friends. So absolutely not worth saying anything.

Therefore you have to reframe it in some way. Have a rant on here, a little cry and then try and think of it as something your kids may want to see in 10 years.
Who knows how youlll feel in the future? I know my parents (82 and married for 62 years) would bloody love a film of their day now but would have hated it for ages after the event.
Try and reframe your perception of it - nothing can be changed other than your attitude of how you view the film and its impact on the day.
Im sure it was a gorgeous day - concentrate on that, and congrats on your wedding @banjomonkey xx

It's done now so I would try and reframe it. You say your friend is lovely so let's give her the benefit of the doubt. It was something she loved and valued at her wedding and she wanted you to have the same wonderful experience, it doesn't sound like she had selfish motives so even though it overstepped and wildly missed the mark, it was meant well and done with love. How wonderful to have such close friends who would spend that much on you.

Personal question but are you thinking about kids? I would love to have a video of my parents wedding, seeing my aunts and uncles and grandparents on what was a very happy day. Could you think of it as not a present for you that you'll ever watch but it's a present for your future children?

She was wrong 100% but it's done. You have an amazing husband, great friends and now, at the very back of a dusty drawer, a secret and unwanted wedding video. Don't let it overshadow the day.

Yes, I do agree with you @Itallcomesdowntothis
I would have been beyond furious if someone had interfered like this at my wedding, but there’s absolutely no way I would have put up with it. No matter how disruptive it may have been, I would have sent the video man on his way the second I saw him and realised what he was doing.

From what you have said, this sounds like a very recent event. It was a very intrusive thing to do without checking with you / your DH / your Mum first. And I don't think you're over-reacting and it's wrong people are saying this to you. You feel what you feel and it's perfectly right for you to feel as you do.

Some people just freeze when something unexpected happens. Other react by running away or tackling the issue head on - the cliché of fight / flight / freeze. You 'froze' so to speak - didn't challenge what was going on - perfectly understandable reaction. It's not being passive as such as there's a reaction - it's internal to the individual, and not necessarily noticeable to onlookers.

So at some stage your friend who arranged the videographer or other friends will ask about it. You therefore need some words ready - so you don't freeze again. And I think you need to and can be honest.

How about ...
I wish you had checked with me before you went to all that trouble. We were umming and arh-ing about a photographer as neither of us like being photographed let alone filmed. Please don't ever do that to anyone without checking with them first. Please ask the videographer to delete the footage / Please don't show it to anyone.

I agree with this. All the women upset about a bridesmaid wearing the wrong shoes or guests not sticking to the dress code get massive support here on MN and I find it difficult to understand why everyone should suddenly be telling this OP that she's got herself into a state over nothing.

I am one of those people who seem to be designed not to photograph well and I'm self-conscious and uncomfortable when I know I'm being filmed. I entirely understand why the OP wouldn't want her important day blighted by someone with a video camera. Why are so many people here ignoring her discomfort?

So many people here seem to be prioritising the sacred but unwanted wedding video over the bride and groom's preference. I'd be absolutely furious, OP, and I'd want to tell the friend exactly how I felt. It's not acceptable for one person to tell another adult that their preferences are wrong and must be overridden.