Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

Who DOES this?! The friend is nuts.

However, what’s done is done and you almost can’t let yourself get mad at your friend because then it increases the negativity you already have about your wedding day. I’d honestly just delete all traces of the video and focus your energies on the parts of the day you did enjoy. You can’t let this dominate your wedding day memories more than it already has.

I wouldn’t advocate therapy for this because then you’re dedicating even more time to ruminating on it.

What a ridiculous response when OP has explained it WAS and IS a big deal to her.
And WHY she is upset about it.

I would be absolutely disgusted with someone interfering in my wedding in such a way.

I harmless this assumption that everyone is the same and this so called ferried assumed that OP should be just the same as herself.

This is woman is no friend to OP and I think she should be told how absolutely out of order it was to arrange this intrusive videoing of the wedding.

That is something you can rewire though.

I sympathise because a load of my friends clubbed together to buy me a 40th birthday present which was well-intentioned but totally useless to me and they had it monogrammed so I couldn't return it.

You can reframe your memories of the day - focus on other things you could see, hear, feel, and really focus on remembering those details in full technicolour.

(BTW if you actually watch the video you won't be able to see the videographer - you might find some gems in there).

I'm really sorry that this spoiled your day but I couldn't help thinking this would be hilarious in a sit-com.
Maybe, a few years from now, when the whole wedding vision has faded a bit, you'll laugh about it?

Okay. Perhaps not.

a) It was my wedding day. He just appeared outside the church. In day to day life, I would have cheerfully told him to get lost, but I wasn't thinking straight. I was overexcited and saying hello to the vicar and people waiting outside the church (who were lovely!). That bit's all a bit of a blur. The videographer didn't explain who had organized it. I was trying to concentrate on my wedding. I didn't want to be wrangling a videographer.
b) I think it's because the ship has sailed. It can't be undone now. I can't restage my wedding! I think part of my frustration and unhappiness comes from the fact that I can't say anything - and usually I talk to my friends about everything. I'm actually finding this thread really useful for unpacking my feelings!
c) This friend doesn't have any sort of history of overstepping and she is genuinely great. I think that's also what's upset me - that this has come so far out of left field. I think the other thing that is upsetting is the idea that this could end up upsetting her - I really don't want to! So that's why I'm venting here rather than anywhere else!
I honestly have no idea what can be done re videographer. It does seem v weird that someone can ambush you like that at the church!

This is a deeply weird move by your friend. Who organises a videographer for someone else’s wedding? Did she turn up with a wedding cake too?

I’d have told the videographer they weren’t wanted at the start and if that wasn’t possible, I’d ask them to destroy the video they took.

We didn’t have a video either. I can’t see any time when I’d actually sit and watch it. In the six years since we got married I’ve looked at the photos once, when DD asked to see them.

You should tell the truth to all your friends. You enjoyed most of your wedding but there was a videography
there that you had no idea about and it spoiled it for you as you specifically did not want one. You realise it was meant kindly but you hated it and are upset that people spent a lot of money on something you don’t want and can’t return.

It won’t be an easy conversation, but you don’t have to engage in it any further than saying if you’d wanted one you would have arranged one and you didn’t. otherwise if you don’t say something, it will spoil the memories of your wedding for you.

As a former wedding musician, I'm appalled that the videographer agreed to this without your consent. It's such a personal day that everything has to be just so.
You need to contact the videographer and put them right about this. They need to look at their working practices and who commissions their services. They'll likely be appalled too that a) you didn't want them in the first place and b) they were so distracting they spoiled the most sacred part of the ceremony for you.
You also need to put your friend right about their poor decision about this. For her to have ignored your saying that you weren't going to have one, and gone ahead and imposed her taste on you shows that she doesn't actually know you all that well. I wouldn't be worried about upsetting her. Her actions spoiled part of your day. She needs to know that.

I would hate this too. I'd have sent them home, but I totally get that this could have caused a row or bad feeling on your wedding day.

Now in your shoes I'd find it hard not to be honest if the friend asked me directly. I mean, when you said you didn't want a videographer, they interpreted that as you did want a videographer but couldn't afford one. There's a lot to unpack there for the friendship! "Perhaps I should have emphasised that it was actually very important to me that there was not a videographer at my wedding."

This as well. I used to have to sort copyright for ceremonies that were being professionally recorded. That cost me money, so the cost for a videoed ceremony was extra on top of normal fee.

Did the Groom not notice and speak with the videographer; as presumably he was at the church and filmed before you arrived?

You should tell your closest friends. Maybe not her, though I'm sure it will get back to her and that's fine. She screwed up massively. Organising a surprise like that and co-opting so many people into it was out of order. If she'd offered to club together with friends and get it for you you could have said no but she over stepped. She should know! If she heard from someone else you don't need to have a confrontation with her but she'll know what she did wrong.

I'm in agreement with others here in that possibly you will love that video in years to come. Let's hope so. Most people I know who have those photo albums (before internet and mobile photos etc) say they wish they'd had a video of their big day. Very few older marrieds were lucky enough to have a friend with a video camera.
I'm assuming what your friends did with the best of intentions cost a lot! They may want to see the resulting video so no idea how you deal with that. Sorry I don't have time to read all comments so this may have been discussed.

I'm really surprised about that too! You would have thought basic professionalism would make them understand that it is quite a Marmite thing and quite a lot of people don't like being filmed! Surely the first clue was I hadn't booked a videographer?! Surely that would make them thing "hang on a second"? It's also really annoying because I'd had several conversations with my mother about how much I didn't want a videographer - and several of my friends know her well enough to check in there. So my mother knew I didn't want a videographer, and the first thing she knew of it was some random wandering around the church with a camera. She was really upset too!

Definitely contact the videographer. Really weird and unprofessional that they went ahead without discussion with, or consent from, the main subjects!

Of course you can say something. If these were friends they would want to know you as you really are. You don't have to shout or be rude.

I don't understand why you feel the need to pretend to someone who has upset you - especially when they did so by doing a very strange and overbearing thing.

To boil it down, you have friends that made a gesture in good faith and gave you a gift you didn't want.

I get it, I'd rather have something else! But what's done is done. There was no malice.

So you basically need to find a way to move forward.

You're married to someone you love and you have thoughtful friends.

The positive to take from this is that no matter how much you hate that video or hated it on the day, someone from the next generation will see it and treasure it.

You don't say if you want children so I don't want to assume, but if you have them, this is something they will hold close to them. It may even be something one of you treasures in old age.

I hope that despite it being unwanted, it one day brings you some small bit of comfort.

I agree with contacting the videographer, telling them you hadn't requested their service or consented to being filmed, and asking them to destroy the images without releasing them to anybody.

If you see any of the images on social media, ask the friends to take them down.

Your friend will get the message, and that's your opportunity to tell her you understand she meant it kindly but she should have respected your wishes - she overreached by miles, she actually altered your wedding without your consent. Hopefully she'll be chastened and you can all consider the matter finished.

I don’t see why you’re worried about upsetting your friend. She wasn’t worried about upsetting you and ruining your day. I would tell her and say you’re really sad that you didn’t receive other gifts. She’s been awful and is not a nice person.

I don't actually even have their name! Which is completely ridiculous, I know! So can't even contact them without talking to my friend about it.

you have friends that made a gesture in good faith and gave you a gift you didn't want.

It wasn't just a gift. She changed OP's wedding!

This is a really helpful way of thinking about it - thank you. I think I'm posting here to process it a bit! It's just been a bit of a shock, and she would have no real way of knowing that it would upset me so much. Thank you very much.

I got married in 1990 and had a video. It’s a precious record of parents, relatives and friends who have since died. In particular my mother who eventually succumbed to dementia and I don’t have much other video of her as she was.

Not everyone likes photos.

I also dislike photos. Never have them taken. Family often laugh if I went missing they wouldn’t have a recent photo only photos from when I was kid!

They would have been turned away at my wedding as the vicar was very clear. He wanted advance notice of who the videographer was.

My husband has also sung at weddings and the videographers have to show in advance they are adhering to copyright. I wasn't even allowed to video my husband singing at my cousin's wedding because the church organist accompaniment had copyright of his performance and only the official videographer had the rights to do that.