Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

[Rewpf]

I feel like I’m going mad at times.

DP takes forever to do anything.

Toilet is 20 mins (I know that seems a theme for a lot of men), getting shoes on….

Dd 2.5’s bedtime…it doesn’t matter when DP starts bedtime, it will always take over an hour for her to be asleep. I cannot understand it. It takes me around 20 mins for quick teeth brush, vitamins and fresh pyjamas. It really messes with her routine.

We went to the beach the other day and me and DD had got changed and ready to leave the beach in the time it had taken DP to brush off his feet and put socks and shoes on again.

Walking… everything is an amble. We needed wipes from the car due to a nappy emergency when out recently. I was holding DD in a difficult position while I watched him casually walk over to the car park. Nothing is done at speed, ever.

We got in the car yesterday and as he got in I suggested the name of a pub for Saturday lunch. Rather than turning the engine on and talking as we go, he sort of slumped into his seat and wanted to get into a big conversation about it whilst we were stationery.

Leaving the house… absolutely horrific. Every small task includes a pause. Shoes on, sit and pause. Stand up, pause. Pick up bag or water etc, pause. often this leads to DD getting really bored and waiting at the door to go out, I even plan it to make sure she starts getting ready with me a bit later on so she’s not waiting around but it simply doesn’t work. He’s always after us.

Dinner… unless we eat out or I’ve cooked, he will have dinner around 9:3-10:30. I have spoken about this so many times…he will insist he wants to cook and I don’t want to put a downer on it but the hours will go by and he doesn’t actually start it.

Shopping. Heaven help me if we stop for petrol and he wants to ‘nip in’ to the shop. Me and DD waited in the car for 25 minutes at a petrol station with a tiny spar shop inside, while he spent an absolute age in there.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is done quickly. He’s not got any health issues. Early 40s.

For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way…I’ll have several jobs done within a few minutes, for example. I don’t know if I’m being unfair, it drives me mad but perhaps I need to be more understanding and patient?! He’s a good dad generally and good to me mostly but this makes me feel I’m going crazy!

Have you talked to him about this? The nappy emergency stuck out as a really valid example. Some of the others, just a difference in personality.

@DidILeaveTheGasOn yes talked about it loads. He thinks I’m just a bit full on with the efficiency. I just think I’m more normal!

My partner can be like this. As can DD. I'm probably going to sound like a dick, but I've taken to just saying "Can we have a bit of speed please?!'. And he seems to snap out of it 😂

I felt stressed even reading that.

Same. I don’t know how you can bear it.
What does he do for work? (Please don’t say he’s a paramedic or something!)

You both sound a little extreme in either direction.

I'm more on his side - I don't like to do things in a rush (because then mistakes happen and it causes more work later) so if I can think things over and double-check then I will. I can be efficient if I've done this ahead of time and can just go on autopilot. I'm a nightmare faffer leaving the house. I do walk fast though.

DP likes to do things quickly and to be fair isn't usually careless or sloppy, but prioritising speed above all else just isn't the way I can do things. I like to think we've both improved each other a bit, and it's not an issue beyond jokey eye-rolls in either direction.

I guess I wonder how you've only just noticed what he's like? Most people are basically either slow/relaxed/careful/faffy or quick/efficient/organised/rushing, it's not the kind of personality trait you can disguise. You kind of have to accept it in your partner because it can't be fixed either, and if you can't accept it then it's a bad idea to marry them.

I think I’d have gnawed my own leg off in frustration and beaten him to death with it.

Dinner at 9.30-10.30 is probably the one example that needs to be fixed though. Even the worst faffer can get it together to get food on the table sooner.

Sounds infuriating. Has he always been like this?

Me too.

I'm not saying LTB, obviously, but I could never have married and had kids with a man like this in the first place.

How does he cope in the workplace?!

My partner can be like this sometimes. He's such a faffer and has no problem being late which I hate. In the past I've said if you're not ready to leave in 5 mins I'm leaving without you and I actually follow through with it. On the eating at 10pm thing I've said I can't eat after 9:30 as I don't sleep properly. So if it ends up being that late I just don't eat it.

Sounds mad but it actually works.

i agree with a pp that said you both sound a bit extreme. People rushing around doing everything at 1000mph can be very stressful and annoying too. When you tell him you wish he’d speed up, does he say he wishes you’d slow down?

Most people are basically either slow/relaxed/careful/faffy or quick/efficient/organised/rushing

I mean I agree with this to some extent but I reckon both dh and I are somewhere in the middle.

If there's a nappy that needs changing or kids that need to be put to bed, we are like a smoothly oiled machine. If there's time to kill we're like lounging lazy lions. This is normal, surely!

My DH and I are a bit like this but not to the same extreme, and luckily he's considerate enough that he's noticed it bothers me and now he clarifies eg what time I want to leave and then gets ready by that time. I always cook because he just isn't efficient enough, partly due to lack of practice, and tbh I'd rather do it myself than wait around getting hungry! Bedtime used to be an issue too until I pointed out that making it too long and drawn out was stressing our DC out - the eldest had a v hard time with transitions so taking ages over it made him anxious. Luckily my DH really wants to be a great parent, so he recognised the need to change that and now he sets alarms for each step. To his credit, he's very methodical, which I am not, so we complement one another quite well. Maybe you just need to work out a system by which you can both play to your strengths?

My PIL have a similar dynamic though my MIL is a master faffer and FIL quite efficient. For them (and us when we visit) it mostly provokes laughter with a bit of frustration but I can understand with young DC time is a bit more of the essence. Last time we visited we had dinner at 11pm after being told it would be ready for 8!!
Ideally you would both be open to influence from each other, you slow down a bit and he could have a bit more urgency. Not sure how you would go about that though!

I would have very literal tolerance for someone trying to give me dinner that late or leaving a toddler in a car for that long while looking in a petrol station. Some of the other examples I wouldn’t find quite so frustrating though so I get the impression that you’ve reached a point now where you can’t tolerate this behaviour even in more minor situations because you find it all so infuriating. I think you need to chat with him and explain there are some situations where you can’t tolerate his slowness (like when it negatively impacts your daughter’s routine,
or you’re eating that late or when you have an irritable toddler in the car because he’s taking an age in a petrol station for no reason) but you understand in other situations you can be too full on and rush and you apologise for that. Tell him you’re going to make a real conscious effort to slow down when there’s time allowance for that but he also needs to think about how he can address his slowness in other areas. I’d then implement some consequences for your non negotiable areas if things don’t improve. For instance, if he’s been doing bed time unsuccessfully for half an hour take over and say it’s important x sleeps soon otherwise she’ll struggle tomorrow. Or at 8:30 tell him you’re having toast for dinner and he can use his leftovers for work. Or if he’s wandering around a shop take your toddler in to him and tell him x was getting annoyed waiting in the car but I’m happy to wait so I’ll leave her with you.

This is who he is he isn’t going to change

as you are not going to change this will always be an issue for you

opposites so often attract until they find each other unbelievably annoying …..

This isn't just personality styles. The dp's behaviour means that op has to do all the awkward tasks for the dc.

We went to the beach the other day and me and DD had got changed and ready to leave the beach in the time it had taken DP to brush off his feet and put socks and shoes on again.

This is so unacceptable that he's leaving this stuff to op. Getting small kids changed after swimming is one of those awkward tasks, there's whining and wriggling. You can't do it slowly because kids get uncomfortable and impatient when they're wet and sandy.

This sounds like a subtle way to control the family. He knows it upsets you so does it more. It seems harmless so it’s difficult to call it out for what it is. The best way is not to keep saying anything as this encourages it. Pick the obviously unreasonable one which is mealtime. Be firm on a mealtime which suits you both. If he doesn’t start cooking by 7, you do it - you need to do this it is valid and an important boundary. How this works out will tell you what you need to know about his consideration for your feelings.

What does he do when it's something that's for him/on hisown? Like leaving fir his job? Getting ready to see his friends? When there's no one around to make them wait?

The lack of a sense of urgency and the complete disregard for anyone and every thing else would infuriate me

If he doesn’t start cooking by 7, you do it

It sounds like op already does. It sounds like gradually op will have to take on more and more. It's not really ok

You’ve got the ick and now everything is irritating.

He’s doing it on purpose, makes him feel important.

My DP is like this, especially the strolling across the car park, my god, I almost screamed out loud once to WALK QUICKER 😂
He’s very laid back, I’m very “people pleasing rush so as not to annoy anybody”.
Neither of you will ever change who you are but with some things you could ask for change. For example, with dinner, you could say “if you’re adamant on cooking, it needs to be started by no later than 7:30pm” that way he can still take his time cooking but the end time will be earlier than 10:30. If he still hasn’t started cooking by 7:45pm then call it and start dinner yourself.

I stopped reading half way through because it honestly just reads like you can’t stand the guy and to be honest some of it you sound a bit much.

I have a similar DH, particularly with feeling the need to stop and discuss rather than just walk and talk. But I’m not going to change him. If his biggest problem is he’s a bit slow then I’ll take that happily.

And I’m sure as shit there’s a whole list of things that irritate him abut me but I very much doubt he’s extensively listed them out on the internet.