Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

[Rewpf]

I feel like I’m going mad at times.

DP takes forever to do anything.

Toilet is 20 mins (I know that seems a theme for a lot of men), getting shoes on….

Dd 2.5’s bedtime…it doesn’t matter when DP starts bedtime, it will always take over an hour for her to be asleep. I cannot understand it. It takes me around 20 mins for quick teeth brush, vitamins and fresh pyjamas. It really messes with her routine.

We went to the beach the other day and me and DD had got changed and ready to leave the beach in the time it had taken DP to brush off his feet and put socks and shoes on again.

Walking… everything is an amble. We needed wipes from the car due to a nappy emergency when out recently. I was holding DD in a difficult position while I watched him casually walk over to the car park. Nothing is done at speed, ever.

We got in the car yesterday and as he got in I suggested the name of a pub for Saturday lunch. Rather than turning the engine on and talking as we go, he sort of slumped into his seat and wanted to get into a big conversation about it whilst we were stationery.

Leaving the house… absolutely horrific. Every small task includes a pause. Shoes on, sit and pause. Stand up, pause. Pick up bag or water etc, pause. often this leads to DD getting really bored and waiting at the door to go out, I even plan it to make sure she starts getting ready with me a bit later on so she’s not waiting around but it simply doesn’t work. He’s always after us.

Dinner… unless we eat out or I’ve cooked, he will have dinner around 9:3-10:30. I have spoken about this so many times…he will insist he wants to cook and I don’t want to put a downer on it but the hours will go by and he doesn’t actually start it.

Shopping. Heaven help me if we stop for petrol and he wants to ‘nip in’ to the shop. Me and DD waited in the car for 25 minutes at a petrol station with a tiny spar shop inside, while he spent an absolute age in there.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is done quickly. He’s not got any health issues. Early 40s.

For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way…I’ll have several jobs done within a few minutes, for example. I don’t know if I’m being unfair, it drives me mad but perhaps I need to be more understanding and patient?! He’s a good dad generally and good to me mostly but this makes me feel I’m going crazy!

i could have typed this. We basically lead separate lives as I don’t pander to it or let myself be slowed down by it. It makes me really sad.

Are you married to my husband? 😂
Drives me up the wall. No advice but solidarity!

Ooh another question: what does he do for work? He must be self employed or have a very understanding employer, or he's driving his colleagues mad.
I would have killed him over the food alone.

the one on the beach makes you sound uptight tbh.

I think some of this is you rushing about. Some he sounds annoying - I would be pissed off being left in a car for 25 mins at a petrol station.

You have different basic speeds. Neither of you are going to change, so you develop a tolerance of each other or break up.

Probably better to have noticed this a few years ago before you got married.

I would think Flight of the Bumblebee might be more inspirational!!

I bet he gets out of doing a lot of things because you have it done faster.
This imbalance will breed resentment.

I am not intentionally lazy by any means but I read something years ago that changed me, and it said, let’s say you leave a plate on the countertop instead of putting into the dishwasher ‘every time you do that, you are saying silently, f*ck you husband, you can tidy that up’

Which I absolutely was not doing!! I was so shocked to read that.

I just thought ‘I’ll do that later’ but actually it sends a really selfish message to your spouse.

Every time your husband does this he is saying. ‘F*ck you, we are going at MY speed’. Tell him this sentence and see if it sinks in for him like it did for me. Good luck.

The tortoises and the hare springs to mind!

He is not even going to change and in his mind he probably sees you as rushing and being stressed.

Your energies don’t match and you have to decide whether to let yo and accept he’s like that or whether he’s just going to continue to drive you up the wall until you break and hit him over the head with a brick!

My husband can be a bit like this. Rather than a lifestyle choice for him, he gets distracted. Strategies that helped me are:

• If we are going out, agreeing what time we are leaving, then giving him reminders from 30 mins to go every 10 mins
• If we are walking / public transport somewhere (so no car share), leaving at the time I said I would if he is not ready and letting him make his own way.
• If he is cooking, ask him 1 hr before if he is still planning a meal for X time (as agreed). He will then usually rush to it, but if he says he can’t now, I cook for me only to my schedule and eat his next day.

Your situation is a little different so suggestions here to consider would be:

• Get him to start daughter bedtime 1 hr before so she is in bed on time. if he refuses, is there any way to make him deal with the pain the next day? An early
• morning run for you maybe?
• engineering situations as far as possible not to rely on his timeliness - eg HE holds baby whilst you do nappy run. No, you can’t pop into the shop when getting petrol as you always keep us waiting - do it when you are alone. Tell you what, if you want to sit and discuss the pub choice I’LL drive whilst you do so as I want to eat

I would be tempted to get drastic if there is no effort to meet you half way cause that would be deliberate;

• if you have 2 cars, if he is not ready on time, leave and tell him to make his own way. Of course it might mean a day trip for 2 not 3 to the beach but you choose your pain
• If it is something you don’t want to do, when he is finally ready, tell him to go alone - you agreed to go at 8, he chose not to. You don’t want to go at 8:30 - have fun alone!
• For food, once your deadline is hit, cook for you and daughter. Tell him you will eat whatever he makes and eats next day as it’s too late now. So he then has to cook twice in a row as you and daughter are sorted for 2 days

Im sure you can get creative in other situations- the goals are:

1. limit situations where you might have to wait for him
2. If you can’t avoid it, have a Plan B if he tries to keep you waiting.

I remember an ex telling me that I needed to slow down and take my time over things more. I was streaking about walking when we were on holiday and I realised he was right, so I apologised and made an effort to slow down.

It's really not that hard to change your way of doing things, particularly if it's inconveniencing other people. But I do think consequences are the only way of showing him that you can't cope with his slowness. Cook and eat your own meal, let him faff in the kitchen as long as he wants - it won't affect you. Go when you say you're going, if he leaves you waiting in the car then get out and ask for the keys as you need to go home.

Yes I'd like to know more about his response to the things that affect the DC particularly. Good suggestions from @Firefly100 and others for tackling this.

My adult DD is the same. She was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD when she was 17. All through her childhood the feedback in every parents meeting was that she likes looking out the window, she daydreams a lot, difficult getting organised etc. We did try and get a diagnosis for her when she was younger but they didn't think it was bad enough. It definitely got worse the older she got though. It takes her absolute ages to just leave the house. Super frustrating for me who isn't the same.

I wouldn't be eating dinner at 9:30-10:30, that's ridiculous. I would cook myself something separate and save his food for the next night every time he delivers food so late. He sounds quite selfish and lost in his own little world.

This does sound annoying. But you do sound like you live life at a very fast pace. Somewhere in between the two of you is probably easier.

My husband has always been a bit of a faffer but now he's got Alzheimer's it just gets worse day after day.
Some things take so long he forgets why he's doing what he's doing if you see what I mean. (Wry and sad smile) 😏🙁

Yeah, you sound very incompatible. I don't see how this relationship can last as you are operating on totally different frequencies. You'll either build resentment that will eat away at how you view him in general and you'll come to despise him or you'll have to decide to consciously change your view of this...or just do things separately i.e cook your own dinner and leave him to take ages on his own, tell him you'll be leaving in 20 minutes and if he's not ready go without him.

I wonder if part of him taking a while is because he feels stressed by what he may perceive as you always rushing him. You find him too slow and that's infuriating and he may well find your way to be excessively rushed and stressful.

The dinner and the nappy emergency are completely shit and unfair. Is he not embarrassed to be serving dinner at 10:30 at night? How will that work once you’re all eating together in the evenings? It won’t.

The other examples are more a question of style. I’m the main faffer in our house and I’m also the cook almost every night, I’m often dishing up around 30-45 minutes later than I planned to, but I’m talking 8pm rather than 7:15, I would never do it that late. That’s just rude. Does he apologise when it’s that late? Does he understand it’s a problem?

I would have a serious talk with him, tell him mealtimes need to change, he has to figure out how to make that work when he’s cooking, but that you’re not eating dinner after 9pm any more. Get a couple of long life microwave ready meals you can stand to eat and the next time he’s still faffing in the kitchen at 8:50 with no end in sight, tell him you’re eating something else now and he can have the second portion of whatever he’s making tomorrow, then just leave him to it.

Mine is like this and he has ADHD.

I agree it's probably not unique to ADHD - but it is notorious for causing weird extreme end of scale things like this.

Like some people with ADHD can't stop eating to the point they fit criteria for a binge eating disorder whereas others forget to eat and wonder why they are shaky on about day 3 (me), some people with ADHD have to have absolutely everything in the house organised to within an inch of its life because otherwise they can't cope whereas others get overwhelmed by cleaning/organising so get stuck in a cycle of ignoring/not really being aware of the mess until it becomes unbearable and then doing a massive blitz but being exhausted by this and not being able to keep up the day to day maintenance (me).

I am the slow kind and it does drive DH mad (he is a faster, get-it-done type). I have got a bit better at prioritising when things need to happen at a certain time but stuff just does take me longer. I can't even explain why. I think I move slowly and I have to stop and think about where I am in the process or I will just abandon the task half done. But also I can be too nitpicky and not realise how long something is taking. I need time to adjust. Being rushed is one of the most stressful things for me. OTOH I can pull things together at the last minute if I have to and I'm quite good at seeing what needs to be done in a crisis.

I do think in general being more slow and meticulous and faffy vs being more effeicient but perhaps not worrying overly about perfection is just a normal human scale and some people are at the extreme ends.

Compatability issue, maybe? It's interesting that OP and her DH are both such extreme opposite ends of the scale. I think it can work well together but you both need to be aware of the benefits of the other's method.

I presume he was also like this when you fell madly head over heels in love with him and it didn’t bother you enough then (otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten married, got kids, etc), so why is it bothering you now?
I agree with others that you both sound quite extreme. He’s certainly very slow but you sound very stressed and stressful to be around.

Every sympathy OP. I've told this story to people IRL so hopefully it isn't outing. Years ago, we were supposed to drive to Heathrow, a five hour or so drive. As we were slightly near my parents' place (well an hour away), we arranged to stop en route at a pub for lunch with my dad. ExH refused to pack the night before, saying that he had always packed on the morning and didn't need to prepare like I did. The plan was to leave at 10 at the latest. He strolled around packing, then at 10.30 sat down and poured himself some cereal which he ate slowly. When we had been driving an hour, he said "Actually no I haven't" when I asked if he had his driving licence, and we'd have to go back home (we were flying to Spain the following morning and had a car rental). This was before my poor dad had a mobile phone, so he was sitting waiting for us in the pub with no knowledge of where we were. Almost weeping with rage I found the number of the pub and rang it, and he had to turn around and drive home - an hour's drive for him.

The rest of your examples rang bells too. I guess only you can decide that being this wound up with him all the time is the way you want to live your life. For me, the accumulation of things like that soured our marriage plus a whole load of other pressures. If you are already feeling stressed and wound up by the way he operates on a day to day level, when the really challenging things come along, it's even harder.

That would drive me absolutely nuts OP. I'm like you to a fault. Think the thought, do it, done.
I've got a ditherer in my life too. Just a friend thankfully but for instance he once said he'd help another friend carry something. Other friend had gone and got the thing and brought it in before he even got his shoes on. If we're out and i suggest somewhere to go he stops to think about it.

He's even stopped AT A ROUNDABOUT in a busy city because he'd forgotten which lane to come off at.

I've quoted this post because I've also got stock phrases.

'Whyve we stopped?'
'Walk and talk please '
'Do yer sleeping at night'

'I'm leaving in 10 minutes, you or not'.

Conversely, if I am ever late for legitimate reasons (he once arrived to go somewhere with me but a work meeting had over ran, only for some 5-6 minutes) he can't handle it! He paced the room several times looking absolutely bewildered as if this was some huge major disaster. It wasn't, nowhere we had to be or anything urgent. Odd.

I don't think you sound extreme - he would drive me mad. Assuming he's always been like it, maybe you've got the ick a little bit now that you have a child. It might have been more endearing when you were both younger?

No advice, but hard relate!
My mum is like this, and I find her absolutely infuriating.
I was meeting her at a cafe (she was already half an hour late), I watched her park outside, and it took her 8 minutes to get out of her car. Yes, I was counting.
I suspect she has undiagnosed ADHD too, so it may be worth looking in to for your husband.