Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

[Rewpf]

I feel like I’m going mad at times.

DP takes forever to do anything.

Toilet is 20 mins (I know that seems a theme for a lot of men), getting shoes on….

Dd 2.5’s bedtime…it doesn’t matter when DP starts bedtime, it will always take over an hour for her to be asleep. I cannot understand it. It takes me around 20 mins for quick teeth brush, vitamins and fresh pyjamas. It really messes with her routine.

We went to the beach the other day and me and DD had got changed and ready to leave the beach in the time it had taken DP to brush off his feet and put socks and shoes on again.

Walking… everything is an amble. We needed wipes from the car due to a nappy emergency when out recently. I was holding DD in a difficult position while I watched him casually walk over to the car park. Nothing is done at speed, ever.

We got in the car yesterday and as he got in I suggested the name of a pub for Saturday lunch. Rather than turning the engine on and talking as we go, he sort of slumped into his seat and wanted to get into a big conversation about it whilst we were stationery.

Leaving the house… absolutely horrific. Every small task includes a pause. Shoes on, sit and pause. Stand up, pause. Pick up bag or water etc, pause. often this leads to DD getting really bored and waiting at the door to go out, I even plan it to make sure she starts getting ready with me a bit later on so she’s not waiting around but it simply doesn’t work. He’s always after us.

Dinner… unless we eat out or I’ve cooked, he will have dinner around 9:3-10:30. I have spoken about this so many times…he will insist he wants to cook and I don’t want to put a downer on it but the hours will go by and he doesn’t actually start it.

Shopping. Heaven help me if we stop for petrol and he wants to ‘nip in’ to the shop. Me and DD waited in the car for 25 minutes at a petrol station with a tiny spar shop inside, while he spent an absolute age in there.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is done quickly. He’s not got any health issues. Early 40s.

For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way…I’ll have several jobs done within a few minutes, for example. I don’t know if I’m being unfair, it drives me mad but perhaps I need to be more understanding and patient?! He’s a good dad generally and good to me mostly but this makes me feel I’m going crazy!

My eldest dc is like this (17). He's so laid back he's almost horizontal and he approaches everything like he has unlimited time. He's totally unflappable, an ultimate calm in any storm, but fuck me, I find the slowness that comes with it frustrating. Dh and other two dc seem to move at normal pace, ds1 seems stuck at rate 0.75.

I feel sometimes that I could scream THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE and whilst everyone else was manically running away, there he'd be, loping away comfortably at his own sweet pace with the flames touching his arse.

😂especially whilst waiting for him to cook dinner.

My relationship is like this - but i'm the slow one and DP is the speedy one.
I suppose i do drive her mad, but at the same time, i also chill her out as my relaxed mode works alongside her 100mph mode.
She gees me up, i calm her down, so it works.
Neither of us do it to exert control or dominance, it's just that we operate on different settings. That said, despite being slow, Im usually ready first as im slow and steady and shes a bit more easily distracted (ADHD)

Op. Would your husband post on here that they find you stessful? I am more at the end of your husband for faffing, and DHi is the efficient, fast mover. From my end, I find his rushing to get everywhere quite stressful and a bit disrespectful in that I am expected to run after him when he is walking to get somewhere. I also get irritable when he pacing around because he wants to get on with something (un urgnet) and I am taking a few minutes to sit and enjoy my coffee before staring but I get that my taking ages over something and keeping him waiting is equally disrespectful sometimes. Over the years we have tried to accommodate each other but fundamentally we have nor changed who we are so you need to think carefully whether you can out up with this or not.

Your DH absolutely needs to make an effort over some things, dinner time and bedtimes etc. Alarms and timers can help with that but some of the things you mention seem like perfectly reasonable things to me so you may need to change a bit too, or at least be a bit more patient around his slowness in some instances. That doesn't mean you have to put up with shit behaviour, but what consitutes shit behaviour in this context really is dependent on the specifics of each event.

If you really want to improve things, you need to treat each issue seperately and not make it about your DH being useless and slow. If he refuses to take specific action in specific instances that are really affecting you, then of course that is not on and grounds for reconsidering your relationship. However you also need to condier carefully, how many of these specific instances of his personality are really affecting you in ways you cannot tolerate

I have a feeling though that you have moved from the 'we need to talk about better way to deal with this...' to the 'you ar generally useless' thought process, and that is not a good place to be for your relationship

Sounds like he doesn't have enough on his plate if he can afford to drag every task out timewise. Perhaps you need to unload some of your wife/mum work on to him?

This made me laugh but I totally agree. Faffers drive me insane.

DH is like this too. As my Mum says, "There's no rushing Mr Sunshine." I have no real advice, I think it just is what it is.

t me it sounds as though you do everything in a hurry which I find very stressful. My husband is like that he is always rushing to finish what he is doing rather than be in the moment he is always thinking about the next thing. I think he misses a lot. he never looks at the finer details and can sometimes not do things properly or enjoy things because of it.
I think its just that we see things differenly

I have a friend like this. When we were younger and used to go out to pubs and clubs she always took forever to get ready. Everything done at an absolute snails pace. She’d tip all the makeup onto her bed and pick up one thing at a time and walk to the mirror then back to the bed, hunt around a bit, find item and slow amble back to the mirror! 30 odd years later she’s still the same and it still drives me potty 😂

I know mumsnet hates it when everyone diagnoses ADHD left right and centre, but seems like it could be. Google executive dysfunction...

I would just have a go at him more often though, you write as though this silently drives you mad but you never say anything to him?

Same same same!
I love my boyfriend very much but my god he is SO SLOW! Everything takes a lifetime. He is the chef in our home and a meal easily takes him two hours to cook. When I chop veg the sound of the knife is a rapid chopchopchopchop, so quick, so efficient. When he chops I hear the knife and it pains me as it’s like chop…………….chop……….chop. And I think: what are you DOING? Why is this so slow?
I do the washing up and it’s done in ten mins. If he ever does it for whatever reason (currently 32 weeks pregnant and he is taking on a lot more of the load at home, so does do a few of my jobs now too!) it takes him a good 45mins and then he complains about how long it took. And I just think…but that’s YOUR fault!
Similarly, I do multiple things at once and he just can’t do this. Every time we go out I am constantly sat around waiting for him to be ready. PAINFUL!

I have a friend like this but she can also move fast - if she chooses to. Does your DH?

My DH used to complain about this with his dad, now he's exactly the same as his dad was (I daren't remind him!). I'm ready to go out and he finds any number of things to do sooo slowly before he's ready. And the pause for everything I'll go and do xxx, then he sits down, ten minutes later I'll go and do xxx in a minute, and wanders off to the bathroom, 20 minutes later he might actually go to do it. It's exhausting watching him not doing things.

I realise this is a worst case scenario thing to say, but is it done deliberately?

It's one thing faffing in your own time, but making your family wait (in a car/while hungry for dinner) seems potentially unkind.

I don't like the way he dismissed you when you raised it, rather than thinking how can he make it better.

We are like this and it drives me bonkers. I regularly tell him 'let's hope you never have to run out of a burning building!'

My FIL was like this, he could faff in between faffs. MIL was always saying he couldn’t rush if his arse was on fire

I don’t have a solution but it’d drive me scatty too

Has he always been like that?

Omg did i post it yesterday about myself and my husband and don’t remember it?😂

i feel you….its freaking annoying

You have my deepest sympathy OP, I used to work with someone like this and it nearly sent me into an early grave.
I Must say though, surely you realised this about him before you got married or has he only recently been like it.
i think I’d be inclined to give him a dose of his own medicine - eg why don’t you go and pay for petrol and take 25 mins or leave him holding the baby while you go and get whatever needs getting?
Until he experiences how annoying it is himself then he may not appreciate it.

This would drive me absolutely nuts, its all very well being laid back but sometimes a sense of urgency is required - like your wipes example OP.

I have a very low tolerance for faffing though - I go swimming with a friend and another of her friends has started to come along and she takes forever to get changed before hand (I go ready with joggers over my cossy), and whereas we used to be in and out in a fairly efficient manner it now takes so much longer - I am thinking of just going on ahead or just going on my own from now on.

YANBU

My ex DP was like this. He is a ex for mostly that reason!

I think that there can be different reasons why people are like this. For my ex, I really do believe it was a control issue. He was hours late for everything. It used to make me hopping mad. He didn’t care that I was upset by it.

The issue that stood out to me most in your post is the late dinners. I would be not be able to cope with having a meal that late! That would be the one I would be inclined to tackle first…

I feel the same reading this. It could be partly due to the heat, though!😂

It's infuriating, but essentially a personality difference.

DP uses his time in blocks. All punctuated by a cup of coffee. I find that really irritating because I don't need to stop for a hot drink every half an hour! I'd rather get something done then relax.

When we are going somewhere together he announces he's ready to go, I pick up my keys and he's still got to go to the loo, put his shoes on and get his stuff together...so he's not ready at all then claims he's been waiting for me.

He's also a just in time person so will leave going for a train, etc until the last minute which means if there's any kind of issue getting to the station it becomes really stressful. I refuse to give him lifts these days as he wastes my time when I'm ready to go then essentially hanging around for him, then I'm under pressure to get him there in time. Absolutely nuts.

@Rewpf hasn't he always been like this?

If he hasn't always been like that is there an underlying cause, such as exhaustion, burn out, work stress, illness, overwhelm?