Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

[Rewpf]

I feel like I’m going mad at times.

DP takes forever to do anything.

Toilet is 20 mins (I know that seems a theme for a lot of men), getting shoes on….

Dd 2.5’s bedtime…it doesn’t matter when DP starts bedtime, it will always take over an hour for her to be asleep. I cannot understand it. It takes me around 20 mins for quick teeth brush, vitamins and fresh pyjamas. It really messes with her routine.

We went to the beach the other day and me and DD had got changed and ready to leave the beach in the time it had taken DP to brush off his feet and put socks and shoes on again.

Walking… everything is an amble. We needed wipes from the car due to a nappy emergency when out recently. I was holding DD in a difficult position while I watched him casually walk over to the car park. Nothing is done at speed, ever.

We got in the car yesterday and as he got in I suggested the name of a pub for Saturday lunch. Rather than turning the engine on and talking as we go, he sort of slumped into his seat and wanted to get into a big conversation about it whilst we were stationery.

Leaving the house… absolutely horrific. Every small task includes a pause. Shoes on, sit and pause. Stand up, pause. Pick up bag or water etc, pause. often this leads to DD getting really bored and waiting at the door to go out, I even plan it to make sure she starts getting ready with me a bit later on so she’s not waiting around but it simply doesn’t work. He’s always after us.

Dinner… unless we eat out or I’ve cooked, he will have dinner around 9:3-10:30. I have spoken about this so many times…he will insist he wants to cook and I don’t want to put a downer on it but the hours will go by and he doesn’t actually start it.

Shopping. Heaven help me if we stop for petrol and he wants to ‘nip in’ to the shop. Me and DD waited in the car for 25 minutes at a petrol station with a tiny spar shop inside, while he spent an absolute age in there.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is done quickly. He’s not got any health issues. Early 40s.

For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way…I’ll have several jobs done within a few minutes, for example. I don’t know if I’m being unfair, it drives me mad but perhaps I need to be more understanding and patient?! He’s a good dad generally and good to me mostly but this makes me feel I’m going crazy!

I feel like we’re married to the same man. It is absolutely infuriating but I don’t really have any helpful suggestions. In the time I wash and dress myself and 2 kids, pack any bags for the day n get shoes on etc n ready for the car…. My DH has just about managed to dress himself then it’s the dithering about wondering what trainers to wear. They r all white trainers ffs ! I don’t think he would be able to leave the house in an emergency in under 15 mins

My DH is like this, and I'm more like you. I think it stems from my childhood, we were quite regimented and had to be out the door and waiting in the car within minutes or there would be hell to pay. My lovely DH needs to pour himself a huge glass of water and drink it every time we leave the house, while we're all standing by the front door. I have walked out with the kids a few times, and left him to catch us up. But on the whole i can live with it.
My dad has since married a faffer of massive proportions. He has had to mellow out big time, so people can change for the person they love.

with this kind of this is who he/she is thing, the one question is "is this a dealbreaker?" Because he's not going to change so basically you have a choice which is live with it or leave?

My husband is like this too. And always late for everything. It used to really piss me off but I have mostly accepted it now as that's who he is but it does do my head in sometimes and Ii find myself constantly nagging him to hurry up! But I am like you, get things done fast and chill later once everything is done.

mine is the same - we factor in fanny around time when telling him what time we're leaving & if out somewhere & his goodbye tour is taking forever then I have no problem at all leaving him there

Firstly, it's reasonable you feel annoyed. It puts more workload on you.

The question - is it dysexecutive (ADHD, brain injury, neurological illness) or is it deliberate (weaponised incompetence plus a belief his personality is the correct way to be).

Has this been lifelong? Has it worsened? What is he actually doing that takes the time up? Staring/frozen/stuck? You mention pauses which does sound somewhat like slowed processing speed. Moving but v slowly? Trying to do half one thing and half another? On his phone? Is work going okay? Do other people notice?

Some things that might help:
Dds bedtime - a visual checklist will help her sequence what happens next. If it's dysexecutive, it'll help him too.
Timers to prompt starting dinner, bedtime etc. he should use an initial and a must start now.
Basically overall he should look up strategies for problems with executive function

Those things are only useful if it's not weaponised/purposeful/for an easy life.

I sympathise, OP. My DP can be like this. I’ve noticed it more since we had our little one. Like you, I don’t understand it. He’s late 30’s but he’s so far from being a Duracell bunny. I do wonder, at times, how he manages to get his work done to command the salary that he does.

I personally couldn’t handle that. I’m getting stressed out just reading it. Doesn’t mean I’m right, but I would go insane! I couldn’t do one day of it.

Did you meet or spend time with him before you got married, or was this an arranged marriage where you never met until the ceremony?

This would really drive me mad.
i don’t think you’re full on.
not eating til 9.30 pm or later is wrong; elongating your DD’s bedtime routine is also wrong - if he wants to read her a long story then start earlier.

There may be bits where he feels hurried or rushed by you. I say to my DD who can be slower than me - let’s go at 10am and then it’s up to her when she starts getting ready but the cut off to go is 10 / so maybe you could compromise some parts like this if he’s feeling always hurried.
i agree with some posters saying does he have executive function issues and this isn’t helping. Good luck @Rewpf - I think it’s good you’re talking about it.

😂😂😂

same

I was going to say the same - I have a DH and DD with ADHD and they are both like this. DD’s consultant told me that people with ADHD understand / experience time differently. Still incredibly annoying though, I always tell them we’re leaving earlier than we are because they are always late and soooo slow. Neither of them can do more than one thing at once either.

Set time expectations, so when you pull him up on it you can be specific. For example if he says ‘I need to pop into the shop’, reply with ‘no problem, but daughter needs to be home soon. It’s 1.45, so back in the car by 1.50?’ Or if he says ‘I’ll cook’ say ‘lovely, I want to be in bed by 10, so can we eat at 8.30?’

He is a faffer.

They don't change. You can either live with it or not. I cannot.

My mother is the master faffer. When I was a child, I assumed that one day I would understand all the mysterious business adults had to do for 30+ minutes after purportedly being ready to leave the house, while we waited by the door/in the car/on the driveway. I didn't know what she was doing, but I assumed it was something important.

It's faffing. Its literally just faffing. If we're going somewhere together, she says she's ready, and I'm still waiting in the car for 30+ minutes.

And I still don't know what she's doing.

I could not live with another adult who did this. I'd either leave or kill them.

This is me to a T and I have ADHD. We have dinner every night at around 10pm, this drives my partner up the wall. Perhaps he has ADHD?

Cattle prod?

So the consequence is that OP has to do everything and eat toast for dinner?! Not much of a negative for her DH!

You're not unreasonable. This would drive me insane as well. I like to get everything done quickly and I absolutely can't stand faff. I don't like eating after 7pm either! I'd never have married someone like that though - was it a case that you just didn't notice when the rose-tinted, early romantic days of the relationship was happening, or has he got worse over the years?

I felt anxious reading that. I think you need to relax a bit. I'd be really stressed and it would slow me down if I always felt someone was rushing me along

My OH is exactly like this. Nearly 16 years together and I'm surprised I'm not serving time due to it!

He leaves EVERYTHING to the last minute and then wonders why he is late for everything. He allows 15 minutes for a journey that takes 45. We were once meeting a friend of his for a meal and of course we were 30 minutes late arriving - his friend was in a filthy mood (understandably) and didn't hesitate to show it. I felt like I was being blamed as well, and to be honest it ruined the whole evening.

I travel a lot for work so am very aware of the importance of timekeeping. Whenever we travel together he always whines about how 'early' I make us arrive at the airport (about 2 1/2 hours before flight) but I'm not missing a flight for anyone!

I've stopped giving him prompts to get ready now. If I'm ready before him, I leave. He's a grown man of nearly 55, and I'm not his mother.

Sympathies.

I live with a faffer as well, drives me nuts.
Doesn’t matter who starts what first, i’m waiting to leave the house, waiting to walk the dog, waiting to get the lights out for bed, waiting at the shop.
waiting, waiting, waiting.

I don’t think faffers realise quite how irritating they can be.

I work with someone like you, it's equally as frustrating and aggravating as the slower workers.

This sounds like my DH. Everything takes twice as long with him.
He starts things late so finishes things late. His Mother is the same.
I swear they are both undiagnosed ADHD.
Drives me up the wall

Some people are more prone to faffing and it sounds like you are just two extreme opposites

My brother is like this. So infuriating. Grrr.