Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

[Rewpf]

I feel like I’m going mad at times.

DP takes forever to do anything.

Toilet is 20 mins (I know that seems a theme for a lot of men), getting shoes on….

Dd 2.5’s bedtime…it doesn’t matter when DP starts bedtime, it will always take over an hour for her to be asleep. I cannot understand it. It takes me around 20 mins for quick teeth brush, vitamins and fresh pyjamas. It really messes with her routine.

We went to the beach the other day and me and DD had got changed and ready to leave the beach in the time it had taken DP to brush off his feet and put socks and shoes on again.

Walking… everything is an amble. We needed wipes from the car due to a nappy emergency when out recently. I was holding DD in a difficult position while I watched him casually walk over to the car park. Nothing is done at speed, ever.

We got in the car yesterday and as he got in I suggested the name of a pub for Saturday lunch. Rather than turning the engine on and talking as we go, he sort of slumped into his seat and wanted to get into a big conversation about it whilst we were stationery.

Leaving the house… absolutely horrific. Every small task includes a pause. Shoes on, sit and pause. Stand up, pause. Pick up bag or water etc, pause. often this leads to DD getting really bored and waiting at the door to go out, I even plan it to make sure she starts getting ready with me a bit later on so she’s not waiting around but it simply doesn’t work. He’s always after us.

Dinner… unless we eat out or I’ve cooked, he will have dinner around 9:3-10:30. I have spoken about this so many times…he will insist he wants to cook and I don’t want to put a downer on it but the hours will go by and he doesn’t actually start it.

Shopping. Heaven help me if we stop for petrol and he wants to ‘nip in’ to the shop. Me and DD waited in the car for 25 minutes at a petrol station with a tiny spar shop inside, while he spent an absolute age in there.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is done quickly. He’s not got any health issues. Early 40s.

For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way…I’ll have several jobs done within a few minutes, for example. I don’t know if I’m being unfair, it drives me mad but perhaps I need to be more understanding and patient?! He’s a good dad generally and good to me mostly but this makes me feel I’m going crazy!

I'm a speedy person - especially in the mornings when getting the kids ready for school. I put the tv on for them (to stop them from running off before I've got them ready). I can totally ignore the tv and continue to do everything, DH gets absorbed by it - it drives me fucking crazy. I threatened to buy a cattle prod the other day to keep him motivated.

That would drive me absolutely mad OP

You and me BOTH

This is the key question here.

My late husband was a bit like. I would give ANYTHING to have him back. He was much older, so I know I can't, but now I cannot rush anything anyway, because of my disabilities.(CIDP with extras). Looking back He taught me patience and perseverance without my realising it.

Now I see the world rushing by, and people wanting things done 'yesterday' and I feel sorry for them.

Looks like I'm on the losing side in this debate. I cannot make up my mind whether he is really so slow and precise, or whether you are too fast, because I wonder how you manage to get DD to bed and asleep in 20 minutes.

I can only think that if he is the breadwinner and out at work all day, perhaps he savours putting DD to bed, reading her a story?, spending time with her. He doesn't want to rush the one time he has with his child.

Is that so wrong?

Oh I’m so delighted to read your post - I posted up thread and I’m same as you - and my hubby was older - I wish I’d had more patience at the beginning - but I’m proud to say I adapted and he taught me a great thing about life - what’s the rush!!!

also my therapist worked with me to just do my own thing and manage it that way - priceless - because he was the man for me - the first time I met him I felt a sense of I’m home and I can breathe

I always said to him I’m gonna write a book “waiting for XXX” like the tv show name - the “waiting” double meaning, because he made my life wonderful and taught me invaluable life lessons - the whole world has got itself in a rush and “we have to”

But we don’t - we only need to rush if we are doing too much, basically having too much stuff, in my view way too early in life - immaculate houses in our 30s

i appreciate OPs situation may not be like this and different context but I just wanted to connect with pp

My H doesn't usually take ages with everything but definitely the toilet and shopping ones resonate! I take the piss out of him for his 'Aldi walk' (other supermarkets may also be substituted!). We walk perfectly normally in every other situation but as soon as we're in a shop he does this weird slowwww shuffle. Even if we've only popped in for milk or bread or something on the way home so it's not like he's looking at what else is on the shelves! TBF to him about the toilet he does (delightfully) tell me beforehand that he intends to go for a 'leisurely poo' so I can use it first. 🤢💩

Oh and getting ready to go out. He'll put on one sock or something and then watch a YouTube video. Put on the other sock and get himself a hot drink. Funnily enough he manages to get ready for work on time but we've literally lost restaurant reservations and missed trains because of this! It's infuriating.

Mine is similar…if we’re going out and I’m getting ready - unless it’s a mega, party night out, I usually only take about 15 mins to get a bit of slap on and dressed etc. I come downstairs, to grab bag to go, then he starts poncing about doing things……going to loo, putting shoes on, changing if wanted, checking directions if needed. FGS do that whilst I’m getting sorted…..I’m then waiting for him!!

Or a fireman! Goodness knows what he will be like when he gets old.

This! If I don’t get my dog in the car first I’ll take longer and my anxiety level will be through the roof by the time I shut the front door to leave for the pressure to hurry, every action watched, second guessed, I can’t handle. Something will get lost or forgotten. Only I’m a 48 yo neurodivergent so I know why
I had a DH, 45 min showers (who does that?!), must print something off for just about every outing, then have a coffee to check over the print off, then brush teeth again even though we have smart phones and tablets, we had breakfast 30 min ago and should have left already when he decides to open the laptop. Yet will be on time for his appointments and work. When I couldn’t deny the heel dragging was selective and apparent to others a whole lot of other truth came to the fore, it wasn’t meant to be. We’re both happier apart.

He sounds like he is severely depressed and/or possibly disassociating due to trauma

(the other possibility is he smokes too much weed?)

this does not infuriate me at all because I have experienced trauma and depression and what you described is a common symptom: slow movements and pauses.

sometimes 2 hours will go by and have no idea where it went

When you have serious trauma you feel almost paralyzed sometimes. It’s like you are moving against the weight of the eorld

my partner was very impatient and unempathetic, like you sound. Maybe try being more connected and less prone to infuriation. Or get a divorce and find MR PERFECT WHO DOES EVERYTHING RIGHT

GEEZ

Funnily enough he manages to get ready for work on time but we've literally lost restaurant reservations and missed trains because of this!
I don't think that's just 'infuriating', I think there's something serious going on. If he CAN get to things on time, why does he choose NOT to with some things?

Did your DH say '' You'll have to wait like your mother did before she had you''? It was kindly meant, I should add.

His job starts in the afternoon so he has time to wake up (he's a night owl) and mentally prepare I think 🤔 whereas stuff with me he'd only have maybe 30 mins to an hour to get ready and go!

Why did you marry this man? You seem totally incompatible. Either accept him as he is or leave him. You will not change him and you will be making both of you miserable by nagging.

He's the reason I avoid approaching a supermarket till with a male on it. Most just don't multitask like we do and have no sense of urgency.

Oh the pauses, I'm with you on that, it's bloody infuriating

I had a friend like this once.

go to her house for a cuppa, would take 20 mins to make it because she couldn't stir and talk at the same time?

Ditto dinner - she would put the chopping knife down every time she spoke

infuriating!!

This 100%!!! I had gritted teeth reading this OP - dear god you deserve a medal I really could not put up with his nonsense!

The dinner thing is just lazy - is he waiting for you to say ‘I will do it!’ so you just take on more and more and he does less and less through his general demeanour. The nappy example is just yuk!! he needed to be called out straight away for that one.

This reminds me of tales of the unexpected watch series 1 episode 9 maybe get your husband to watch it lol 😆

That’s really specific and I’m going to have to watch it now!!

Rubbish

Oh god I feel your pain!! Mines exactly the same! He drives me mad.
Food shopping- I tend to do it on my own, I know what I want and where it is. I can be done with a full food shop within an hour.
DH went to the local shop last night for a few bits for tea and was gone for way over an hour! I don’t understand how it takes him that long.
Cooking and cleaning- everything takes forever. A simple meal of omelettes and salad can take him an hour to do.
I’m a dental nurse, every thing has to be fast and efficient so I’m like this at home too. When he’s being slow I always say to him you’d never make a dental nurse. 😂
Even telling me about something that’s happened at work takes forever! I get the full history and back story. I haven’t got time for that so now I just ask if there’s a point to the story! The other day I asked him to stop talking because he was boring me. He laughed and said “I’m actually boring myself” 😂

sounds like inattentive adhd with task initiation difficulty

I often think DH has ADHD. DS1 was diagnosed at 13 and DS2 at 7. All 3 are the same!! It’s pretty shit being the only organised person in the house!! 😂
It’s like herding bloody cats trying to get out of the house. I’ll get one in the car,then they’ll realise they’ve forgotten something and vanish. Then another one might amble out, then we have to wait for DH to go for a poo, roll a fag, say goodbye to the dog…… By this time my heads ready to explode!

Is it the one with the frozen lamb leg? Not to give it away!