Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

[Rewpf]

I feel like I’m going mad at times.

DP takes forever to do anything.

Toilet is 20 mins (I know that seems a theme for a lot of men), getting shoes on….

Dd 2.5’s bedtime…it doesn’t matter when DP starts bedtime, it will always take over an hour for her to be asleep. I cannot understand it. It takes me around 20 mins for quick teeth brush, vitamins and fresh pyjamas. It really messes with her routine.

We went to the beach the other day and me and DD had got changed and ready to leave the beach in the time it had taken DP to brush off his feet and put socks and shoes on again.

Walking… everything is an amble. We needed wipes from the car due to a nappy emergency when out recently. I was holding DD in a difficult position while I watched him casually walk over to the car park. Nothing is done at speed, ever.

We got in the car yesterday and as he got in I suggested the name of a pub for Saturday lunch. Rather than turning the engine on and talking as we go, he sort of slumped into his seat and wanted to get into a big conversation about it whilst we were stationery.

Leaving the house… absolutely horrific. Every small task includes a pause. Shoes on, sit and pause. Stand up, pause. Pick up bag or water etc, pause. often this leads to DD getting really bored and waiting at the door to go out, I even plan it to make sure she starts getting ready with me a bit later on so she’s not waiting around but it simply doesn’t work. He’s always after us.

Dinner… unless we eat out or I’ve cooked, he will have dinner around 9:3-10:30. I have spoken about this so many times…he will insist he wants to cook and I don’t want to put a downer on it but the hours will go by and he doesn’t actually start it.

Shopping. Heaven help me if we stop for petrol and he wants to ‘nip in’ to the shop. Me and DD waited in the car for 25 minutes at a petrol station with a tiny spar shop inside, while he spent an absolute age in there.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is done quickly. He’s not got any health issues. Early 40s.

For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way…I’ll have several jobs done within a few minutes, for example. I don’t know if I’m being unfair, it drives me mad but perhaps I need to be more understanding and patient?! He’s a good dad generally and good to me mostly but this makes me feel I’m going crazy!

Put a timer on as much as possible. Might speed him up.

My DD is like this, she has ADHD. It requires constant chivvying, time checking and general good natured piss taking. Thankfully her uni mates have naturally taken over that role!

Can you passively aggressively play music when he’s doing it? Suggestions from me are Steptoe £ Son theme, Hovis theme, Last of the Summer Wine theme, “on hold” style muzak.

It must be lovely to feel so unhurried, to not have a million tabs open and a ticker-tape of jobs constantly running through your brain. I'm envious of your DH's zen state!

Is this another example of one person carrying the majority of the mental load and the other comfortably drifting along wondering why their partner is so stressed?

Oh no. I had one of these once. Sorry. I know ‘there’s no harm in them’ - as everyone kept saying - but I ended up permanently stressed. We’re not together anymore.

Exactly the same situation in my marriage. Sometimes I want to poke DH with a cattleprod. You have my sympathies!

Doesn't DD ever have dinner with you? She won't be able to wait till 10pm!

This comes to mind 🤣

My DH is exactly like this and it drives me mad too! Not just being slow but a ridiculous amount of faffing too. I'll say we need to leave at 9am for example, and he'll decide that every bin in the house needs emptying at 8:55. He gets it from his DM - last christmas I found the pair of them icing a Christmas cake, 10 minutes before we were due to leave the house. They'd just started, so FIL and I had to stand there with our shoes on waiting 🙄

my goodness, you're a saint. I would have erupted. I really think its because there are no consequences. Just start leaving him. Your daughter must be getting annoyed too.

Me too🤣 I've got an aunt like this. Fuck arses around for ages even though she's been moaning at someone else for possibly making her late😒

He’d make a great school governor.

Give him tot to hold next time there’s a nappy emergency and then go off at his speed to get some wipes. Maybe stop for a chat along the way….

Joking aside, some of this feels like opting out/weaponised incompetence to me. Locking yourself in the loo for 20 minutes to scroll on the phone, probably whilst there are morning chores to get through? Leaving dinner for hours- maybe hoping you’ll that the next night when he offers you’ll say no, because it’s unbearable waiting? You’re then in a position where you can’t say he doesn’t pull his weight, because he does always offer!!!

It would drive me mad. But I’m aware that at times, I can be too “right! Let’s get it done!!” when there’s no actual need to rush through everything. Your pub example, why can’t he talk about options before driving off - if there’s a decision to be made, it doesn’t make sense to start driving before you decide where you’re going.

But yes, ultimately, I’d have killed him

He is who he is, OP, and he very likely won’t change. You’re just different people and you either put up with it or you don’t. Please don’t allow your annoyance to rub off on your daughter.

So I have bipolar and more hyper/manic than “normal” people. Saying that, most people would just say I’m very quick and can get a lot done. My H on the other hand is like yours. Jeeeeezuz. I’m constantly getting stuck behind him in the house as he ambles around taking his sweet time and I’m jogging side to side to overtake him while one of the kids is wailing.
He genuinely takes forever to do anything. If it was up to him we’d never leave the house or get anything done. If he does go out with the kids “for an hour or so” he is out for hours and hours and I’ll have dinner ready and he’s nowhere in sight. No sense of urgency at all. And don’t get me started on the poo just as we are about to leave and how long it takes him to put his shoes on or off.
i deal with it by just doing everything myself. I don’t ask him for anything because it’s quicker and easier getting it myself. Make decisions before you leave, set timers, reminders etc. Do it to your timing and he will have to keep up. If he doesn’t then do it alone. I’m not suggesting everyone is as fast as I am but it’s so aggravating when you need urgent help and they’re faffing and need micro managing. Effin useless.

“Fuck arses” I’m using that!

I get on my own nerves now, I am so slow, I am 75, never been super fast, but now I have arthritis and brain fog! My dog is like OP raring to go at top speed all the time, getting out for a walk, is torture! I put my dog in the car first, for the drive to the country park. Then I can get ready in peace and be sure I haven't forgotten anything vital.

So, a tip for your husband, put your wife in the car before you start, it's easier to get ready without someone snapping at your heels, and pressuring you to hurry!

Cant' stand ditherers, would drive me nuts!

Why don't you have separate nappies for the car and a pack for home? That would eliminate one of those stresses right away😮

This would drive me crazy but like you I'm very quick and I know my partner finds it hard to keep up with me. I do try to slow down on the unimportant things to even it out a bit but some things do need a bit more urgency 🫠

OMG my best friend and my big sister can both be like this. My friend is capable of getting a move on, but doesn't see the urgency most of the time (I suspect this is because she generally has to do the chivvying of her faffy kids, and wants to relax a bit when she's around me), but my sister has always been incredibly thorough, but also very slow. It's just how she is, so if one needs a task done very carefully and precisely, and there is time, one gives it to my sister, and if one needs 20 tasks done "well enough" under great time pressure, one gives them to me. If we were in the same field of work, we'd probably complement each other very well, but it can be a touch frustrating when e.g. trying to cook a meal together.

I always think that of Comic Book characters, "The Flash" must be the most frustrated, because everyone else around him is so slow-moving! But then again, he probably doesn't feel pressured to sort out everyone else's life admin for them...

My DH is worse! He's really slow...until last minute when he gets all stressed and efficient. I'm the contrary ; quite anxious and can't support stress so I plan and do everything in advance so that I can stay calm..when Im not with DH!

I voted YABU because BOTH of you would stress me out.

I had a similar thought. He is doing it on purpose maybe to slow everything down lol? Annoying though.