Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

[Rewpf]

I feel like I’m going mad at times.

DP takes forever to do anything.

Toilet is 20 mins (I know that seems a theme for a lot of men), getting shoes on….

Dd 2.5’s bedtime…it doesn’t matter when DP starts bedtime, it will always take over an hour for her to be asleep. I cannot understand it. It takes me around 20 mins for quick teeth brush, vitamins and fresh pyjamas. It really messes with her routine.

We went to the beach the other day and me and DD had got changed and ready to leave the beach in the time it had taken DP to brush off his feet and put socks and shoes on again.

Walking… everything is an amble. We needed wipes from the car due to a nappy emergency when out recently. I was holding DD in a difficult position while I watched him casually walk over to the car park. Nothing is done at speed, ever.

We got in the car yesterday and as he got in I suggested the name of a pub for Saturday lunch. Rather than turning the engine on and talking as we go, he sort of slumped into his seat and wanted to get into a big conversation about it whilst we were stationery.

Leaving the house… absolutely horrific. Every small task includes a pause. Shoes on, sit and pause. Stand up, pause. Pick up bag or water etc, pause. often this leads to DD getting really bored and waiting at the door to go out, I even plan it to make sure she starts getting ready with me a bit later on so she’s not waiting around but it simply doesn’t work. He’s always after us.

Dinner… unless we eat out or I’ve cooked, he will have dinner around 9:3-10:30. I have spoken about this so many times…he will insist he wants to cook and I don’t want to put a downer on it but the hours will go by and he doesn’t actually start it.

Shopping. Heaven help me if we stop for petrol and he wants to ‘nip in’ to the shop. Me and DD waited in the car for 25 minutes at a petrol station with a tiny spar shop inside, while he spent an absolute age in there.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is done quickly. He’s not got any health issues. Early 40s.

For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way…I’ll have several jobs done within a few minutes, for example. I don’t know if I’m being unfair, it drives me mad but perhaps I need to be more understanding and patient?! He’s a good dad generally and good to me mostly but this makes me feel I’m going crazy!

Are you having an affair with my partner!? 🤣 I could have written this. We call him Mr Soft on account of the pace and amble!!!

I have ADHD and I'm like the OP - doing lots of things very quickly. My DD has ADHD and she's like OPs DH, can't get organised, does everything slowly, forgets bits, goes back, forgets why she went back...

It's not ADHD, it's personality. Some people have a slow, take life as it comes, way of doing things. Mums tend to have to do three things at once and it makes us more speedy, because generally you can't have kids and take life at a comfortable pace.

You might find, OP, that you meet in the middle again once your DD is older and you don't have to do so much for and with her.

It must be exhausting seeing conniving malice in other people's basic personalities.

May as well say that people who rush around chivvying people into being efficient are being more literally controlling.

Or just accept that people have different modes of being?

For the most part this is just different horses, different courses. I can understand why you find it infuriating but surely this can’t be new? It sounds like you’re probably just incompatible, no-one is unreasonable. There’s a downside to both - doing everything at a million miles per hour, like a bull in a china shop, is also annoying. If you dislike him as much as it sounds, I’d maybe have a serious think / talk about the relationship.

Has he always been like this?

I wouldn't put up with it, personally 😀 Give him a literal kick up the arse 😂

How is he trying to control the family but the OP is not? (I don't think either of them are FWIW but I also can't understand how you could possibly apply that judgement to one of them but not the other)

There is a time and place for chill. I’d go mad if this was the pace of everyday life. Especially the eating at 930pm…

Maybe a hot poker 😬

Mine is the opposite, always in a hurry, we get in the car,he's ready to drive off before I even get my seatbelt on. He walks really fast, I actually have to jog to keep up.. went shopping today, his usual big rush, I haven't got my phone,that I need for the app. Often something gets forgotten.

My DH is like this, the man was head of a large and quite prestigious University dept. He is like a brilliant snail. Over almost 30 years I have said ‘stop schlepping about’ more times than I care to mention. I think he is time blind and genuinely struggles to do thing quickly. He always has the first shower, myself the second, I am almost always ready at the same time and I need to blow dry my hair and sometimes chuck on some make up. I have been pretty harsh and said he was very lucky to be born so clever is he had not been he would have starved to death if he had to function in the regular world and not academia.

Due to other significant traits I have observed he probably has a form of ADHD. I walk in the kitchen and it’s like the scene out of The Sixth Sense where the ghost has opened every kitchen cupboard and drawer.

😂 me too, phew

I’m guessing you never noticed any of this before you had a child with him?

When did he change? Because surely he want like this before you decided to marry him? Otherwise you only have yourself to blame for choosing to marry someone you're so incompatible with?!!

Mine's a faffer and I think it's easy to fall into the trap of rushing around to overcompensate. Also, he doesn't seem able to start and finish a job, so they'll be piles of tools or things he needs to take to the tip/charity just sitting around the house for months (usually in really inconvenient places). I can definitely feel my tolerance levels for this shit have dropped off now I'm in my 40s!

My DH is lovely in so many ways but he is like OP's DH too. I am not very nice and I just say 'hurry up' or when he is (very slowly)thinking will he have gravy on his dinner or not I just snap 'yes or no??'

I have been known to shout BIMBLE! across the car park DP was moseying across to fetch tissues for DS with a nosebleed.

At least it startled him into more of a trot.

We can’t go to the supermarket together. I have a list and work through it, he needs to stop by the papers and the magazines and browse.

The having to have a little pause between actions sounded like my ADHD DS but the rest of it didn’t.

OP - the nappy example is clearly unacceptable. And some of the others - like making your DC always be ready and waiting aren’t great.

Taking time over bedtime could be a nice thing though - she presumably gets a story with each of you, and maybe he’s just enjoying that with her?

My Mum has a habit of not starting to get ready until the agreed time to leave/ when everyone else is ready and waiting at the door, and it is very annoying.

Yanbu. I absolutely could not deal with this. Some things are just a difference in personality or whatever but in my opinion, leaving your family waiting outside in the car for 25 minutes while you slowly browse the petrol station spar is rude. Saying you'll cook for your family then serving up at 10.30 is rude. If you know your toddlers bedtime takes an hour, then you start it an hour before you know they need to go to sleep, otherwise they'll be tired. OK to have a preference on how fast you do things but not OK to constantly keep everyone waiting for ages. If he genuinely struggles he needs to factor this into planning, start getting ready earlier etc. And you need to tell him to run when there is a nappy emergency!

My DH is like this.

My mum says his get up and go has got up and gone.

He is almost certainly neurodiverse in some way (we have neurodiverse children), probably ADHD.

He has many other redeeming qualities, and luckily I'm super efficient so I carry that side of the relationship.

I would have divorced him or killed him years ago if I was you. Even reading your original post I was getting so annoyed at him and I don't even know the man.

I’d go insane. With the dinner I’d just lose my shit and say I’m fucking starving and what will you do when ds needs to be fed by 6 before he starts screaming the house down? I’m getting a takeaway/ cooking toast and you can do whatever the fuck you want in the kitchen that doesn’t seem to have anything at all to do with preparing food.

how does he get to work??

DH does that too - it’s delicious when it arrives but my god how can it take so long? Why can I make dinner in 30 minutes but he takes 1.5 hours?? The worse thing is I then eat loads of crap while waiting for dinner to be ready. And then if I don’t eat the dinner (because of the snacking) then I’m mean and disloyal. Infuriating!

So I'm curious about the specifics.

Do you think he would get everything done that needs to be done if you left everything to him?
Is he apologetic, like 'sweetheart, I've just been thinking about our day out today and realised you ended up doing way more of the heavy lifting'
When you talk about it, does he claim that he would get everything done if you left him to it?
What does he say when you point out DD gets any?
What does he say when you say 9.30/10 is way too late for dinner?

LTB