OH friends drunkenly messed with my possessions

[Zahia]

I was away all weekend and my OH had his friends over to stay. They drunkenly messed with some of my personal possessions (not too much detail, but sentimental items from years of travelling which were on display). Luckily nothing was broken or missing. But I felt really upset, angry, and kind of violated as if someone had been through my personal things. I said I wanted my OH to tell his friends it was wrong for them to have done this, and for them to apologize to me. He got angry and upset, refusing to ask for them to apologize. He said it was his fault as he was too drunk to tell them not to. I agree it is also his fault, but am I unreasonable to ask for them to apologize as well? Ultimately they messed with someone else's possessions in their house. You wouldn't walk into a house and mess with someone else's photo albums or picture frames? Eventually OH did ask his friends to apologize to me (which they gladly did and I do believe it was genuine) but now he is furious with me. Am I in the wrong? Will he come round? Now I'm thinking I should have just let it go but I was so upset and wanted to make it clear what had happened was not ok.

Apparently they are both in their 30's - unless i have mis-read it.

It is polite behaviour, certainly, but I just can’t help wondering if it is part of a bigger picture of being incompatible.

In the long run, when friendship groups are labelled “dickheads” (or similar) then ultimately it is a bad sign for a relationship. And that’s not making a value judgment as to whether they are dickheads or OP is labeling them that.

Similarly, should the partner have said “don’t touch guys, OP loves that stuff.” or is it a case of “she’ll go off on one here.”. As a partner, even if I am saying the first sentence, I don’t want to be in a relationship where I am walking on egg shells thinking the second.

For me there is a general question: OP, are you and your partner compatible?

It isn't that OP looks at items going "ahhhh, that sunrise over Machu Picchu". That would be normal sentimental attachment. OP is going further in feeling her memories are somehow sullied by someone else having picked up that photo or magnet. That feeling is not within the bounds of normal reactions and is more usually linked with complex PTSD, OCD, or a hoarding disorder. It isn't helpful to use any AIBU thread as a kicking-off point to explore psychological issues, counselling is more appropriate, but as OP is clearly already aware she has some issues I was simply being clear that no, this one is not within normal reactions.

You make a good point. I know a woman who married a fella with a friendship group she considered to be d1ckheads. The husband is still a child, she is very mature and has asked him to leave....

Maybe it is a red flag how your partners friends behave.

How fucking rude!!
You must have to post a dumb comment like that!!

No it isn’t PTSD imo or anything quite so complex

when I came home years ago and found my wooden rhino collection in sexual positions (which now to be fair I do find funny) it was the realisation that the respect had gone, that my flatmates and 2 other so called friends no longer respected me or my belongings and that hurt. It was the end of our friendship completely a line had been crossed for me

the OPs OH must know she takes pride in her collection and arranges as she wants is normal and that to touch it and move it around is disrespectful and it is that I think which is at the root of it all.

we don’t have to hnderstand others boundaries but where it doesn’t impact us at all we should respect them

I can understand being upset at them messing with your stuff, your bf should have made sure they didn’t happen, and they should be mature enough (even drunk) for it to not even occur to them!

But getting them to apologise is batshit, and weird. Did it actually make you feel better? It’s just awkward for an adult to do that to another adult- no matter what the reason is.

If that is the case, he certainly should know better.

If they have no children, I'd certain reconsider the situation.

I really dislike the way certain words are mis-used on here.

"Violated"

Because some person/s looked at your magnets and photos and put them back in the wrong order?

No.

Yeah, probably the same women who think it's fine to allow males into womens toilets.
Oops sorry, digressing there.

OP, YANBU

Errrm Yes

If someone doesn't want someone to touch their things, they need to put them away behind a glass screen

Hide them away? In her own home? When she probably enjoys just looking at them daily?

Put them away behind a glass screen, just in case ADULTS visit???
Ridiculous....

Adults demanding other adults make an apology is just bizarre.

You know apologies mean nothing if not freely given? I don't understand why you'd want to affect your future relationships with these people like that.

If I were your partner I'd be deeply embarrassed and rethinking the relationship. You sound a lot of hard work.

People in a home fiddle with ornaments lying around shelves...

Simplest solution with flatmates would usually be "don't go in my room when I'm not there" and keep private items in your room. Had you expressed to these flatmates that the rhinos were highly sentimental and personal? Was the issue thay they went in your room?

Maybe they felt comfortable at the thought u cud take a joke and now you’ve made it clear u can’t!

No my room was locked they were in the living room. my room was locked because I knew that they would potentially do something to my stuff

no the issue was that by doing so they were sending a message about exactly what the state of our friendship was

as is the OH and his friends based on his reaction

you don’t always need words to convey a message

and I never said they were sentimental they weren’t all it was just they were mine.

It’s not about their comfort though is it! This is OP’s home and her things should be respected. She is not there for everyone else’s benefit after all …..

If they're on display, the intimation is that they're there to look at. I'm assuming these were in the living room, dining room or kitchen, 'public' areas for visitors. Bedrooms and studies, obviously not.

I have photographs and a few other items that are important to me on display in my living room because I like to have them there and I like other people to see them. But if I didn't want people looking at them or even handling them - people often like to pick up photographs, for instance - I'd put them away.

The drunken bit is a bit disturbing, but how drunk were they, and as you weren't there, how do you know? It was really up to your OH to say, 'She doesn't like people touching those.' You can't really expect visitors to know that things on display are not really on display, if you see what I mean.

Yeah digressing just a bit…… 🙄

Why would you be upset about people playing with ornaments if you weren't sentimental about them? You left them in a public shared space. I think you were just annoyed about something else reallly, you should expect that display objects are likely to be touched from time to time.

That just sounds like boy/men behaviour. My youngest knows where everything is in his room. If anyone has been in there and touched anything he just knows and because of this his older brother goes in and moves things a few mm this way. My youngest has funko pops that he collects and his brother will move one and put it on another shelf. He times him to see how long it takes him to realise. The longest has been 5 mins.

I would not have made the visitors apologise in the first place, not too much time on my hands, coffee break, and lunch time.
You are a idiot to comment without knowing my circumstances.

Well yes I clearly said the relationship broke down to the extent we moved out and never spoke again it was a message they were sending.

just like in @hazelowens example with the brothers the older one is clearly sending his younger brother a message but also as a joke

and I think here is the same based on the reactions that it shows the friends don’t like her

they moved it around either because they were so drunk

they did it as a joke

they did it because they don’t like her and were making a point to say so

Well obviously not brought up to not touch things in other peoples homes unless they are very close friends or family.

I think it is rude to touch and/or move things in someone's home.

It is but I think OP has gone totally over the top. No harm was meant.