OH friends drunkenly messed with my possessions

[Zahia]

I was away all weekend and my OH had his friends over to stay. They drunkenly messed with some of my personal possessions (not too much detail, but sentimental items from years of travelling which were on display). Luckily nothing was broken or missing. But I felt really upset, angry, and kind of violated as if someone had been through my personal things. I said I wanted my OH to tell his friends it was wrong for them to have done this, and for them to apologize to me. He got angry and upset, refusing to ask for them to apologize. He said it was his fault as he was too drunk to tell them not to. I agree it is also his fault, but am I unreasonable to ask for them to apologize as well? Ultimately they messed with someone else's possessions in their house. You wouldn't walk into a house and mess with someone else's photo albums or picture frames? Eventually OH did ask his friends to apologize to me (which they gladly did and I do believe it was genuine) but now he is furious with me. Am I in the wrong? Will he come round? Now I'm thinking I should have just let it go but I was so upset and wanted to make it clear what had happened was not ok.

I understand why you are upset. These are personal and precious items to you, and your partner and his friends showed a complete lack of respect for you in your home.
Asking for an apology is meaningless though. When your partner realised what they had done he should let his friends know you were upset and all of them should have wanted to apologise and make things right. When you have to asked for the apology it’s pointless.
It’s pretty concerning that your partner was so drunk he didn’t remember it happening. Perhaps he should lay off the drinking.

That would upset me too. Sounds like stupid boy stuff. My husband is much kinder and considerate than me day-to-day but I’m always surprised at the shit him and his friends pull on one another when they are together. Hiding things, moving things etc. Stuff I would hate if he did it to me but they all find it hilarious!

You seem to be mixing up adults and children yes I can see hiding things away behind a glass screen for children but adults? No adults know not to go round to someone’s house and mess around with their stuff

eitjer they were drunk and it was an accident and they acted like children in which case an apology is fine and hopefully they feel bad

or They don’t like her. It has happened to me when I argued with a flatmate and I knew it was deliberate

the OH reaction and being angry is off. If it was an accident asking for an apology is fine

OP. you need to lose this guy otherwise you're in line for the next excuse -

'I didn't really cheat on you by having sex with your best friend/sister/cousin because I was drunk and don't remember what I did'

Yeah right 🙄

Whilst they were immature dickheads, tbh if this stuff is of such value to you, then having it displayed on a notice board in a public area of the house seems an unwise choice. It is all subject to degradation as part of day to day life and aging. Why not have it displayed more securely / safely?

Yanbu. They were guests in your home and messed with your stuff.

Your boyfriend is embarrassed because he remembers being up for it (despite him lying that he doesn't remember) and feels like the uncool one for being a hypocrite for going along with it and then asking them to apologise for their behaviour (which he also participated in, even if just by not stopping them).

He's essentially been caught showing off and told to apologise for it, which is obviously embarrassing.

But what kind of boyfriend and his friends do that anyway? I wouldn't dream of touching other people's stuff.

I can sort of understand them looking at them if they were interesting, and not remembering how to put them back, and nothing was broken, so demanding an apology was v weird imo.

^ this. Nothing was damaged. You sound controlling towards your OH OP. Do you tell him what to do a lot? Maybe that’s why he’s pissed off.

It sounds like the DH and the friends were not treating your things with respect or care. I can see why you’re cross. But I don’t think DH did you any favours by gatekeeping his friends from being told by you that you didn’t like that - so you can speak up for yourself - and you as a result come across a bit mothering/OTT which makes it likely DH and his chums will take the piss next time to get another rise from you.

Practically if this collection is something you don’t want to be messed with can you get (as a present off them?) one of those ‘3D box frames’ and affix the mementos.

Ok yeah I think it was very fair for you to ask DH to pass on that you were upset. Forcing an apology out of them was just silly imo – either they're genuinely sorry and they'd apologise anyway, or they're not.

If you take gender out of it — imagine for example due to selfish driving you cause a fender bender with another school mum at the gate. If she told you she was upset you'd naturally apologise (or not if you weren't repentant). If she came explicitly demanding an apology like you were a child, it would just be weird.

Also in a work context or formal setting we can demand an oral or written apology because that is a managed setting, but real life is a bit different.

@Tiswa (sorry quote disappeared because of that stupid swipe thing)

Eh?

I don’t just have adults in my house?

But equally, many people (me included) wouldn’t know the difference between a book that’s worth £1500 and one that’s worth £1.50, or a book that’s from a charity shop v one that my grandma used to read so if it’s likely to ever become an issue it’s our responsibility to take control of that.

I have no objection at all (and I think it’s very natural) to anyone coming into my house and picking up photos or ornaments or books to ask questions, they might get put back in a different place or upside down. The only house I’ve ever been in where that’s not OK was my grandparents, no body felt welcome and you felt like you had to sit on the edge of the sofa for fear of putting a dent in it. They would tell people not to touch. If you don’t people touching things you either need to protect them somehow or let them know somehow.

Theyre not children!

@IdiottoGoa I think there is a difference between picking up a book to start a conversation or the same with an ornament and touching and moving around ornaments when drunk.

what adult does that? And if they do don’t realise and want to apologise

It's not a public area though is it? It's in her house.

I expect my things to be safe in my house, not to have to hide them away.

OP had created a display of things that were meaningful to her - they messed with it. It's not unreasonable to be upset about this.

If they were out on display then I don’t think they did anything wrong at all. You are overreacting.

If they were away in a drawer or bedroom then I understand why you were upset.

Nothing was damaged

Don’t decide someone is an alcoholic based on one incident.

Are you always so prove to embellishment and drama?

I’d cross posted with you, they don’t like you anyway. So yes of course they’d be laughing, but you knew that before you demanded an apology of them.

Honestly you’ve really badly overreacted. They will think you’re so prissy and demanding an apology is just so bizarre. On the plus side, I doubt you’ll see them much anymore.

Drunk men in their 30's mess with someone's possessions "for fun", but OP is the problem and should lighten up...

Yeah, no.

Well done OP for actually saying something. Who cares if they are laughing.
Act like naughty children, get treated like one.

I'm sick of grown men acting like idiot teenagers and us having to be "cool girls" about it.

FFS everyone should have an expectation that things in their home shouldn’t be moved around by drunken men acting like toddlers - we have no right to question what sentimental value other things have.

and the expectation that she should be cool about it?

saying they could never visit again - overreaction
demanding compensation etc - overreaction

asking for an apology isn’t. Do we really want to live in a world where an apology for moving sentimental stuff is seen as prissy and demanding becuase I dont

@FeministUnderTheCatriarchy agree completely

If they weren't damaged I'd probably find it quite funny to be honest.

It doesn't sound like they needed the run of the home - it sounds like the possessions in question were on display in the room where they were. Would it have been clear that they were your personal possessions, OP? I do think that, given these things were on display and nothing was damaged, just rearranged slightly, you are over-reacting a bit.

It doesn’t matter if they’re ’only magnets and photos’ to other people on here, they’re your holiday keepsakes and memories and they’re important to you. I’d be pissed off too. I probably wouldn’t have got them to apologise but I’d be making it clear to your partner that I was upset and pissed off!

He might not have seen them doing it, e.g. if he was in the bathroom or the kitchen at the time.

What an odd comment. I have DC and now GDC. Very little has ever been damaged and usually only a very occasional accident like dropping a cup or something. Because I taught mine to be careful and respectful, and helped them to learn how to do things they needed. If you let yours run feral and destroy stuff, that’s on you.