OH friends drunkenly messed with my possessions

[Zahia]

I was away all weekend and my OH had his friends over to stay. They drunkenly messed with some of my personal possessions (not too much detail, but sentimental items from years of travelling which were on display). Luckily nothing was broken or missing. But I felt really upset, angry, and kind of violated as if someone had been through my personal things. I said I wanted my OH to tell his friends it was wrong for them to have done this, and for them to apologize to me. He got angry and upset, refusing to ask for them to apologize. He said it was his fault as he was too drunk to tell them not to. I agree it is also his fault, but am I unreasonable to ask for them to apologize as well? Ultimately they messed with someone else's possessions in their house. You wouldn't walk into a house and mess with someone else's photo albums or picture frames? Eventually OH did ask his friends to apologize to me (which they gladly did and I do believe it was genuine) but now he is furious with me. Am I in the wrong? Will he come round? Now I'm thinking I should have just let it go but I was so upset and wanted to make it clear what had happened was not ok.

I get you're upset, but I dont think there's anyone in the world would consider fridge magnets to be untouchable. Maybe they saw some unusual ones, had a closer look and put them back in a different spot - perfectly normal, they probably didn't think they had a particular arrangement. Nothing was damaged and to cry that some things were moved seems like an overreaction.

He's already admitted that he doesn't remember them doing it "because he was drunk".

I remember years ago my then OH friends when drunk moved my neighbours hanging baskets to my door, of course I put them back as soon as I realised, it still makes me laugh to think back to it.

This ^^ and also I'd be annoyed by that, it feels creepy and rude especially it was done while they were drunk and your partner was too drunk to stop them or even remember what had happened.

" I dont think there's anyone in the world would consider fridge magnets to be untouchable"

That's your opinion.

People collect all sorts of items; thimbles, china bells, badges, dolls, animal skulls, buttons, etc and are very protective of them.

However, I'm not sure if OP made it clear to her OH that she didn't want them moved.

So you think it's ok for OP's partner to open up their home to a bunch of drunks while she is away?

And to get so drunk himself he has no recollection of what actually happened?

I dont think objecting to people interfering with her private possessions in her own home is over reaction at all but there are bigger issues at stake here .

It’s not just her home, her husband lives there too and ought to be able to have friends over. People are allowed to get drunk, be silly and generally have fun at any age.

And for context, they moved some stuff, they didn’t trash the house.

We can’t expect others to intuitively know what is sentimental and meaningful to us so it’s not the best idea to have precious stuff to hand.

I’m usually a girls’ girl but this op has embarrassed her DH and impacted his friendships. I would be backtracking and concerned about the damage done to the relationship.

No one should have to hide things away in their own home. That is ridiculous.

I would never ever go into someone's home and start picking up ornaments, photos etc. That is just rude but I guess I was brought up properly unlike some of the posters here

Your drunken husband is pissed off that you held him to account and is now punishing you.

Is he normally an arsehole?
Are you happily married?

No more dru ken niggts in your home.
Let them go to a pub.

He doesn't sound like any great prize.

OP seems to have an issue with her drunk partner and her drunk friends, who, based on her claims, did not “behave appropriately.”
It’s why I purposely omitted the word ”adults.”

Of course you can have personal possessions with children. I know plenty of people with young children and houses full of ornaments, plants etc.

Children can be taught to respect things you know

You sound very controlling op, and your bf sounds like a softer kind of personality.

He didn’t stand up effectively to his drunken friends which means one of two things - either he’s just not that into you, or his friends don’t respect him.

He also didn’t stand his ground in the face of your demand for a forced apology, even though he thought (and I agree) that it was unreasonable.

These sort of situations happen in the early stages of relationships and can trigger some reflection that leads to more responsible and adult choices going forwards. When you’re shamefacedly apologising to your upset gf, it puts the high jinx of the night before in context, and can cause a man to seriously rethink his priorities.

But instead of that, you forced an issue like a school teacher with a bold child. All he’s left with is resentment.

If you don’t like the way you’re treated, you’re absolutely in your rights to walk away. I would rethink a relationship where I’m the butt of the joke with his friends, because I would want that to matter to him, drunk or not. The thing is, that if he doesn’t feel that way about you, you can’t force him to, any more than you can force a genuine apology.

You don’t have to accept being treated badly but humiliating another person isn’t the answer.

Are you sure you’re not looking for a reason to get angry because he had some mates around and had some fun while you were away?

But I felt really upset, angry, and kind of violated as if someone had been through my personal things.

They didn't exactly go through your underwear drawer kept in your own bedroom, did they?

You are ridiculous - and the fact that your DH was there!
Did they just all looked at things

Nothing was damaged or missing - it's not the most polite thing to do, but it wouldn't occur to anyone that touching and moving magnets on a fridge - in front of the host! - or on a display board be such a big deal

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to ask for an apology, and I'm glad that they seemingly did so willingly. The only one with an issue is your husband, who (I'm supposing) feels that he's 'lost face' in some way through you 'making' him ask them to apologize. It's his issue, and I hope he is apologetic too, about both the incident and the current strop. You did nothing wrong. 👍

I wouldn't either I don't think, but I wouldn't faint in horror and feel violated if a friend was touching a photo frame or something and make a comment about it, or was taking a magnet from the fridge I don't have any but that's not the point to have a look or say something about it.

For a start, picking up or touching something if the owner is there is a bit different although I still would not do it unless it was a close friend or sibling maybe.

Secondly you don't need to pick something up or touch it to say something about it do you?

I have a fridge covered in magnets and whilst I would not be fainting in horror if someone took one off I definitely would not be happy to come home and find they had been moved around.

I think your OH taking full responsibility was a very good reaction and should have been enough.

I agree with this. They may have thought they had consent to do this if he never intervened and or was part of it. Or even if they should’ve known and did know they shouldn’t have been messing with OPs stuff, it was his responsibility to ensure nothing was touched.
So an apology from him would’ve sufficed.

Don’t get me wrong, I can be funny with my personal stuff too so wouldn’t have liked it, but I’d be happy enough if my partner assured me it wouldn’t happen again and he’d talk to his friends.

And just to add that in order to elicit an apology from his friends, he no doubt slagged you off to high heaven.

"The misses can't take a joke and is giving me an earful"

"I can't believe she is being so uptight, can you apologise to get her off my back"

Etc.

I'd hate to be cast in this light for his mistake. It reminds me of a (bad) relationship I had in my early 20s where his mates always came first and he would tell thwm one thing and me another and it messed with my head and other friendships. It was a long few years before I figured out I was better off without him.

Total non event. You would look a fool if you said anything about this.

the husband was there....
People were literally with their friend, the husband...

Maybe a big sign "Property of the OP, DO NOT TOUCH" is needed?

They didn’t break anything just touched it, you sound a bit like that woman in Misery.

You are totally overreacting and crying because the fridge magnets were moved?

You sound really emotionally attached to these material items, and if that’s the case then how would anyone know this? You just have them thrown up on a wall on display. It’s unfair of you to expect these strange men to read your mind.

We had some friends round once and a chair moved and the cutlery wasn’t all lined up either, they weren’t even drunk. That was the last we saw of them.

to be fair, if I had to tell my friends my husband is expecting an apology for having touched and moved slightly a sports trophy display in a communal room, I would tell them that he can't take a joke and is ridiculously uptight.

😂

people are shameful 😂