OH friends drunkenly messed with my possessions

[Zahia]

I was away all weekend and my OH had his friends over to stay. They drunkenly messed with some of my personal possessions (not too much detail, but sentimental items from years of travelling which were on display). Luckily nothing was broken or missing. But I felt really upset, angry, and kind of violated as if someone had been through my personal things. I said I wanted my OH to tell his friends it was wrong for them to have done this, and for them to apologize to me. He got angry and upset, refusing to ask for them to apologize. He said it was his fault as he was too drunk to tell them not to. I agree it is also his fault, but am I unreasonable to ask for them to apologize as well? Ultimately they messed with someone else's possessions in their house. You wouldn't walk into a house and mess with someone else's photo albums or picture frames? Eventually OH did ask his friends to apologize to me (which they gladly did and I do believe it was genuine) but now he is furious with me. Am I in the wrong? Will he come round? Now I'm thinking I should have just let it go but I was so upset and wanted to make it clear what had happened was not ok.

I think you’re being a bit OTT. DP should have told them to leave them alone as assume they’d know you’d be annoyed. So it’s him you should he mainly annoyed with. Forcing him to make his friends apologise is embarrassing for him, hence he’s annoyed. It was childish of his friends yes, but guess they didn’t realise how upset you’d be. It seems like a very extreme reaction and your DP probably feels a bit humiliated and no doubt will be ribbed by his friends about it.

I would be cross with my OH as he should have stopped them, but the demanding an apology for the friends is OTT. I would just want reassurance that it wouldn't happen again.

He is probably really embarrassed that you made him make them apologise. I think you should laugh it off now. They didn’t deliberately break anything. It sounds like they were just messing around and they won’t do it again.

Your OH apologized and took responsibility. You should have let it go after that. Embarassing him wasn't necessary.

Assume you don't have DC. You cant have any 'personal possessions' with children. Everything gets trashed and ruined.

Was this a small collection of niknaks on a shelf OP? Jusr trying to get the full picture before commenting.

If they just moved a few things, I wouldn't mind. Maybe they were interested in them and having a closer look. If you're so bothered that you don't want things touched at all, it might be best to put them away if people are visiting your house when you're not there.

I think it’s a bit dramatic to say you were collated when the objects were clearly displayed. Disrespectful, yes, and I would expect that he made sure they didn’t touch things again if they could be broken.

Violated, not collated…..

Another example of how low the bar is for men. “They didn’t break anything-lighten up, they were drunk!” FFS.

I think I’d be more concerned about the drunk partner and his drunk friends.

Did they know they were sentimental?
I'm hitting 50 and have been known to do stupid stuff like that and also have done! If it was my underwear drawer yeah I would be upset but an ornament being moved that's on display no Biggie

Many people are able to be drunk and behave appropriately. Those people are called adults.

I think your reaction is really uptight and Schoolmarmish. I would apologise, but it would definitely be a case of “I’m sorry my friend has landed himself with this deeply neurotic person.”

I must admit my pet peeve is people who get others to do their “dirty work”. You felt angry but manipulated the situation so that he had to have the shitty conversation on your behalf. For me that would be the beginning of the end of a relationship. I would be mortified to be in a relationship with someone who is so passive aggressive (and PA is still aggressive, the aggression is very obvious)

Presumably, the real reason is that you don’t particularly like these people and are subconsciously trying to ruin the friendship so that they will be out of you partners life.

People had fun? In your home? That's outrageous! I think at the very least you should receive a heartfelt written apology from each and every one of these absolute reprobates. They should also consider contributing to a Gofundme towards the intensive therapy you are now going to need to undergo to come to terms with this trauma.

I do think you were upset and maybe wanted more than his apology or didn’t feel he was sufficiently contrite so wanted to embarrass him?

he should’ve apologised and did. It should be something HE thought of naturally to ask them to apologise not directed by you or it doesn’t count.

or even better approached next time you saw them in person.

I’d be irritated but I wouldn’t insist on an apology, they are not children! I’m not surprised your dh didn’t want to ask, he hopefully did apologise though. I guess they know it’s a big deal and won’t do it again.

I’d have also been furious with you for making the friends apologise. They’re not at primary school and you’re not their teacher.

Nothing got broken, you explained to the partner that you’re annoyed and next time he can keep a closer eye on them.

You have really over reacted

It is irritating but your DH is right...he should have told them to stop. He didn't, he should apologise to you but I understand him being upset as you treated him like a naughty school boy and made him embarrassed having to ask his mates to apologise! You would have gone down in my estimation. Very OTT. Nothing was broken or harmed. Perhaps don't have your stuff on display and apologise to your DH.

Well I wouldn’t like it if my ex and his drunk friends touched my things. Keep their hands to themselves.

this is your dh or your ds?

Good!

You don't ever mess with people's stuff in their house. What are they, drunk teenage lads or grown men? They would not be welcome in my house.

I'd want a genuine apology from my bf but receiving a forced apology from his friends like a schoolmarm would be too cringey for me. Would they have even known it was just yours or assumed it was your bf's as well? I'd never mess up anyone's things sober but in their position I would be assuming your bf knew what he was doing fiddling with things in his own house and that he would also set things physically right the next day

Demanding apologies is a really weird thing to do. You can tell people you’re upset, and if they apologise then that is obviously welcome. But demanding an apology? It’s not really an apology then. I wouldn’t do that and I wouldn’t be happy passing that message on.

I wouldn't demand an apology from them but they would certainly not be allowed to stay in my house again, particularly when I'm not there, it's such a breach of trust. And I would be livid with OH.