OH friends drunkenly messed with my possessions

[Zahia]

I was away all weekend and my OH had his friends over to stay. They drunkenly messed with some of my personal possessions (not too much detail, but sentimental items from years of travelling which were on display). Luckily nothing was broken or missing. But I felt really upset, angry, and kind of violated as if someone had been through my personal things. I said I wanted my OH to tell his friends it was wrong for them to have done this, and for them to apologize to me. He got angry and upset, refusing to ask for them to apologize. He said it was his fault as he was too drunk to tell them not to. I agree it is also his fault, but am I unreasonable to ask for them to apologize as well? Ultimately they messed with someone else's possessions in their house. You wouldn't walk into a house and mess with someone else's photo albums or picture frames? Eventually OH did ask his friends to apologize to me (which they gladly did and I do believe it was genuine) but now he is furious with me. Am I in the wrong? Will he come round? Now I'm thinking I should have just let it go but I was so upset and wanted to make it clear what had happened was not ok.

Odd post! It's not unusual to teach children to apologise when they're very reluctant to. I see it allllll the time. You should consider explaining to all these parents that they shouldn't have had children if they're then going to proceed in trying to force apologies from them.

I'm sure most women on mumsnet could tell you far naughtier drunken things we've done than fiddling with photo frames and holiday souvenirs displayed on a shelf with the house owner present and encouraging it. Don't know how many of us had to do a forced apology though

As I said-obviously men can’t be expected to behave in a civilised manner. Poor innocent souls.

Forcing an apology for this was batshit. They’ll all be laughing about you, you’ll be the mates gf that no one likes. What an overreaction.

I'm lost as to why we're talking about children?! Generally for adults, you can't force an apology out of them. I think if OP wanted an apology she could've messaged them "this is xyz's gf, I understand you were drunk but I was quite upset that..." or got her bf to mention to them that she was upset. Both are a bit over the top IMO but still better than making the bf force them to apologise like a schoolteacher.

And if they voluntarily apologised genuinely (which it sounds like they would) in response to being told she was upset, great. If they don't feel sorry you simply cannot make them feel sorry

Are you on something?

This is not sex specific, it just happens to have been men on this occasion.

You do know they’re adults?

You didn't even quote my reply because you know your response is irrelevant lol

How can it be both "sucks" AND "nothing"?

It either "sucks" and OP has the right to react OR it's "nothing"?

This is the most sensible post on this thread.

OP it might be more helpful to know what was messed with and how. If it had been your knicker drawer but nothing was "harmed or broken" I'm sure posters wouldn't say the same. It was a level of disrespect to you - and your partner - like a power game, he obviously felt unable to stand up to you both and these idiots sound juvenile at best and bullies at worst. Maybe it was just high spirits. I would leave the apology - but to be honest it is the only thing that would make it possible for them to set foot back in the place if it had been me. But again - depends on how much "messing with" we are talking here.

They don't sound like adults, they weren't behaving like adults. If they're that juvenile, it's not unreasonable to be treated as such. Might do them a favour, maybe they think it's acceptable because nobody has ever told them it's not.

Depends what you mean by "adults" ?

Students are technically adults but can still act irresponsibly.

What age are these people OP ?

If it's "on display" you can't stop people handling/picking up stuff. If it's that precious, hide it away or invest in a lockable display cabinet.

This

The homeowner was there... I would be assuming the bf knew what he was doing fiddling with things in his own house and that he would also set things physically right the next day.

In OP's position I'd be fuming too but I hardly think you can blame the friends for picking up a photo frame or souvenir, looking at it and setting it down drunkenly — again since the homeowner was there doing the same

Where were the possessions and are they obviously personal and belonging to you? If they went into your bedroom or rooted through a closed bathroom cupboard I understand your upset. If the items are delicate and could have been broken I see your upset. On the other hand if they were on a shelf in the living room or kitchen and are just items like books/ ornaments and all they did was move them around and turn a few upside down I think you’ve over-reacted, it’s a bit immature but otherwise fairly harmless behaviour.

I put stick on eyes on my friends pictures last time I visited, they thought it was funny.

OP nothing was broken, it’s ok for you to be annoyed but making them apologies is a bit over the top. Just put it all back and if they stay over again remove and hid anything that’s going to cause this reaction.

Ok so sounds like for most I was being unreasonable. To be clear, I wanted to speak to his friends directly to tell them I was upset and please not to touch those things again, but he told me not to, which I respected and therefore asked him to pass the message on so that they knew and could apologize to me (which they did). I did tell him I wanted an apology though. The items are on a wall on display, so not just on a shelf you would consider to pick up, and are clearly mine not his. This is our house which we jointly own. We are both in our thirties, so it's not like they're students any more. I definitely won't care if they don't like me (tbh feel they don't already) or don't want to visit the house again, but I will apologize to OH then if I have been OTT.

You may not care, but they will be laughing and eye rolling at you!

Good lord 🤣

That comment was in response to your confusing segue about children. But now we’re on the subject, they moved some stuff and nothing got broken. Presumably it’s not a museum or art gallery, if you don’t want something touching, put it behind glass.

Not that I go round touching people’s stuff (because usually it’s not that interesting) but I don’t think I could be friends for long with someone this uptight. It would be like Hyacinth Bucket with her china.

Totally OTT!!

Also OH has no memory of them doing this and thinks he was not involved (something he has apologised for)

It wasn't a confusing segue - it was a parallel universe where the women here were insisting a forced apology has no value, when in the Real world - children are forced to apologise literally all the time.

It's a violation of trust to have people in your home who mistreat your stuff. At the very least it's incredibly disrespectful and the OP is upset so that must have been warranted somehow. If I found out any of my children had been at someone else's house and rearranged stuff in a parents kitchen or workspace for lols (nothing harmed or broken) I would be furious. Especially if the other parent was upset. I would hope my kids would know this is unacceptable behaviour. You would just shrug and tell that person to stop being uptight like Hyacinth Bouquet. Maybe that's why these mankids behave that way, overly permissive parents who haven't taught them basic respect.

That's so fine, I'm not embarrassed for being upset about this, and if they don't understand it then that's ok.