Found out my family hid my Husband’s behaviour from me for the last 2 years

[Emily877]

This happened at the weekend so it’s still raw and I’m struggling to know what to do.

I found out from my Sister that my husband made a pass at her two years ago and he has also made various comments to her over the past two years.

Our Mum has been aware of this from the first incident but sworn my Sister to secrecy as between them they believed I was better off not knowing and that no good would come from telling me.

This all came out when the three of us were on a girls trip at the weekend and my sister took offence to something I said about her partner. She snapped back at me by telling me about my H and they eventually came clean with the full story.

My H has confessed to this and is desperately pleading with me to save our marriage. He is putting it down to alcohol and begging me not to leave him.

I am utterly furious with him but also my mum and sister. They’ve watched me spend the past two years with someone knowing what he did and tried to pass it off ‘as in my best interests’.

They have both tried contacting me and I’ve had a long message saying how I’m being stubborn and need to look at this more logically.

I mean this gently but does he have a reputation for being a bit sleazy? As in they presumed you knew what he was like and preferred to turn a blind eye?

Apart from their comment saying you’re being stubborn they’re not the ones at fault here. Direct your anger towards your H.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Horrible situations.

I'd keep quiet about the partner of an associate or distant friend trying it on but never a close family member. You are right to feel angry with them and feel betrayed. If the H can go as low as trying it on with your sister I'd bet she isn't the only one he has done it with.

What did 'making a pass' at your sister involve and what sort of comments has he been making to her? And how often?

I'm not sure I could get past this.

It sounds like your mum and sister had good intentions but I would also feel betrayed that they didn't tell me. What is your relationship with them like usually? Are they generally kind and supportive?

I am not surprised you are incredibly hurt and the way you have found out is really unpleasant.

I imagine you feel let down by everybody. I’m sorry.

To me it seems like your sister and mum were in an awkward position.
It’s 50/50 if you would have believed them, and then if your husband denied it what would have happened then who do you choose. They could have feared losing you altogether if you choose your husband.

You need to direct your anger at your husband, he has behaved terribly. He has put your sister in a horrible position and taken advantage of the situation and he has continued for 2 years to make her feel uncomfortable. Then there is you that he has hurt.

He would be out the door asap if it was me.

You are not being stubborn, everyone has let you down and now you need time to process it all. I am so sorry for you.

Only you can decide what to do next - I think for me, one drunken comment is one thing, but if this is a repeated pattern (alcohol or no alcohol - no excuse), then that's something else altogether.

But for now everyone needs to give you time to get past the fact that none of them told you the truth and you are completely allowed space to decide how you feel about it all.

What a horrible thing to happen. I understand you being upset with your mum and sister, but perhaps they really didn't know what to do for the best? Sayings like 'shoot the messenger' are rooted in the real consequence some people have faced when they tell someone stuff like this. Perhaps they thought it might cause you to blame your sister or for you to distance yourself from them? It's a really tricky situation, but I reserve your real anger for your sleaze bag husband. Not only did he betray you, he was willing to potentially blow up your family because

It was 2 years ago. Don't break up your family over this. What exactly did he do? Divorce is very hard and if you have children you will have a relationship with DH for many years. If this is a frequent issue then a rethink is needed. I know someone who did a lot worse than made a pass at someone and they covered it up. However the couple are still happily married so surely it's best to move on.

Wtf. He made a pass at her sister!

You should focus your anger at your sleazy unfaithful DH not your family @Emily877

Ugh, he’s a sleaze isn’t he. He’d be out, right now. Behaviour like that, and with family! Fuck, no.
Difficult position for your mum and sister. Would you have believed them if they’d told you? I do think I would be angry they hadn’t told me, while acknowledging the position they were put in - tricky one. Sorry you are going through this.

Dump him. Absolutely zero chance she is the only one. Zero.

And I understand your anger but she was in a horrible dilemma and made the wrong choice.

Get rid of him, give her space to apologise properly.

That was at a family gathering which I went home early from as I was feeling ill, I told my H it was fine for him to stay. Apparently him and my sister were alone in the kitchen towards the end of the night having both had a drink, and when she was pouring another one he came up behind her and touched her waist and said he’d always imagined what it would be like to sleep with her. She said that wouldn’t be a good idea and he snapped out if it and apologised on the spot.

She says he has made other drunken comments over the years, just lewd stuff. When she has been single he has asked if she wanted a sex toy for Christmas from ‘us’, and her newest partner told her that he’d made a (again drunken) comment to him the first time they met about how he bets he’s enjoying her bum.

Ewwwww- what is with these sleazy men. As if straying isn't bad enough, he had to shit where he eats 😒.

I don't think you're being stubborn at all. I can slightly understand your mom and sister not telling you, as the messenger often gets shot. Now you know, you're likely deliberating staying with your husband, which will make all relationships awkward- exactly what they were trying to avoid.

Everyone needs to back off and give you time though, as it is a lot to process.

Ewwww, sorry OP I would lose the husband and keep your mum and sister

Yes, absolutely I’d have trusted them. I had a crap relationship before my H and they said they didn’t want me to throw this one away over something silly and drunken so covered it up.

He sounds disgusting. I’d never be able to forgive and move on from that.

I do think your sister and mum were in an awkward position. I’d be upset that they didn’t tell you sooner, but you can move on from that.

Your husband is creep and there is no moving on from that.

OMG 😢. He needs flushing down the toilet.
Repeatedly? These are not 'drunken mistakes'. The man is morally bankrupt and just utterly repulsive 🤢.

Same happened in my family and iv not said a word its not worth it, its happened its over im not willing to break up my loved ones family over it. Nothing good would come out of knowing. However your situation does sound a bit different as its not just a one of

I would be so angry at them but know I'd get over it down the line as it was well intentioned but I couldn't get over what my husband did. I really feel for you, you must feel it's hard to trust any of them any more

Fuck them all.

Been there, done it.

Mine was actually shagging around and got some family friend pregnant. They all knew, everyone knew. Except me. Genuinely my sisters deceit hurt more than anything my ex ever did.

He's a confident one isn't he? Trying it on with someone so close to you, knowing it'd put them in a crap position

It’s not a silly and drunken mistake he’ll never repeat though, is it? It’s a very serious line to cross - disgusting, in fact - and it’s also one he’s repeatedly and consistently attempted to cross. He literally mentioned thinking of having sex with her, it’s not even a misinterpreted wink. There’s no possible excuse on earth for his behaviour towards your sister. Your mum and sister should’ve told you immediately.

What’s extraordinary is that he’s done it without a come-on from her. I believe her btw - I’ve had a few men do similar to me without any signal at all and it’s astonishing how confident they are that they’ll be reciprocated. It shows he thinks with his dick and has zero morals. You simply can’t trust him ever again with any woman at all, as he’s willing to cross the one line that most rational people view as too far. I’m baffled your family would pretend it hadn’t happened so you could continue staying oblivious.

Don't be ridiculous. Her sleazy husband made a pass at her own sister for god's sake and has made various comments to her over the past two years.

It's OP's decision to either stay with him or leave him, but it's certainly not the case that because is was two years ago, it wasn't a huge betrayal and that he isn't a sleazy twat to hit on his wife's sister. I also would have a problem staying with someone so utterly stupid. What on earth did he think would happen?

Well you seem more annoyed at them than at your husband attempting to cheat. If they figured you are just going to stay with him anyway and it’s just going to make everything more difficult for everyone, including you, then I can see why they wouldn’t tell you.
I would be raging not to be told though, but they know you.