Found out my family hid my Husband’s behaviour from me for the last 2 years

[Emily877]

This happened at the weekend so it’s still raw and I’m struggling to know what to do.

I found out from my Sister that my husband made a pass at her two years ago and he has also made various comments to her over the past two years.

Our Mum has been aware of this from the first incident but sworn my Sister to secrecy as between them they believed I was better off not knowing and that no good would come from telling me.

This all came out when the three of us were on a girls trip at the weekend and my sister took offence to something I said about her partner. She snapped back at me by telling me about my H and they eventually came clean with the full story.

My H has confessed to this and is desperately pleading with me to save our marriage. He is putting it down to alcohol and begging me not to leave him.

I am utterly furious with him but also my mum and sister. They’ve watched me spend the past two years with someone knowing what he did and tried to pass it off ‘as in my best interests’.

They have both tried contacting me and I’ve had a long message saying how I’m being stubborn and need to look at this more logically.

This. Its bloody well not their decision to make. How will you ever trust them again?

your sister wasn’t thinking of your best interests when she lashed out at you with a secret she knew would hurt you …

I couldn't get over the fact that your husband carried on making comments to your sister even after she'd made it clear she wasn't interested. So he knew she wasn't going to sleep with him, but he carried on, knowing it would make her uncomfortable and distressed. A man who uses sexual comments to make a woman feel uncomfortable is the lowest of the low.

I'd feel so upset if my family kept this from me, but reading other PPs that would have done the same as your mum and sister has made me realise that they probably did think they were doing it for the best. I have to admit though, I'd hate the thought of them knowing that my husband was such a prick, and discussing it behind my back whilst I carried on in the dark.

I'd cut your mum and sister sone slack. Yabu

She might not want to be shielded. She might not want to waste 2 years of her life on a sleazy man who's trying it on with her sister.

I've never said he's not to blame. It's absolutely 💯 his fault. He is gross. He'behaved badly and made terrible choices. They stole @Emily877 ability to chose with the omission. Its her life. Its her marriage. Its her relationship. They shouldn't have hidden it from her.

They should not have kept this from the OP.
They obviously have form for being dismissive if they're now calling her stubborn!

They have both tried contacting me and I’ve had a long message saying how I’m being stubborn and need to look at this more logically.

What a pair disgusting family members you have on your hands. To be upset doesn't make you stubborn. It makes you upset. Do not allow them to gaslight you. And sorry i forgot to add the disgusting family applies to your hubby too.

I voiced some doubts about her partner - not out of the blue, she asked. Her reaction was to tell me to look closer to home which is when she eventually told me about my husband.

Exactly. They all sound a bit rotten/toxic tbh.

That. You're displacing your anger onto someone who was the victim of sexual harassment.

You can't say for certain that if she'd told you, you'd have 100% accepted her version of events and put her above your husband. She's felt the need to protect you from the knowledge, which yes, was a mistake, but she doesn't deserve you blocking her. She's had to bottle this up for a long time, which can't have been pleasant.

This is awful. I couldn’t forgive him and I’d struggle to trust the family who kept it secret too! Shocked how many are saying they have/would keep quiet. These families might be better off without scummy cheating husbands (or wives).

No one is blaming the sister for what happened, it goes without saying that's on the hubby. What we saying is the way it was handled and then blurting it out and then calling op stubborn. Her being a victim doesn't give her rights to gaslight op.

The op was 'voicing some doubts' to sister about her partner, sister retorted by saying op should look closer to home. I can understand how it came out.

Have you ever taken back a cheater/sleaze? If you have then it explains why they didn’t tell you. Telling you and you taking him back will be unnecessary drama for everyone. Much easier to avoid your h and hope that he never does it again.

Yanbu to be shocked that they didn’t tell you. Have they ever kept your other bf’s behaviour a secret?

Either way the most important thing to do is to direct your anger at the right person - your partner.

All three of them have acted like arseholes.

I can understand why your so mad but at the same time I can see why your Mum and sister might be put out that you are ignoring them but still have DH at home.

He's the real villain here.

Apportion blame to the sleazy man not the multiple women in
same family that he’s manipulated,made uncomfortable and sleazed over Let’s not blame the women for the actions of the man

Can you not be angry about different Aspects of a situation and to different degrees with multiple people? Because I can! Its not a one at a time thing you know.

No, lets blame the women for what they decided to do about it! Including potentially putting the OP's sexual health at risk.

Apparently him and my sister were alone in the kitchen towards the end of the night having both had a drink, and when she was pouring another one he came up behind her and touched her waist and said he’d always imagined what it would be like to sleep with her. She said that wouldn’t be a good idea and he snapped out if it and apologised on the spot.

She says he has made other drunken comments over the years, just lewd stuff. When she has been single he has asked if she wanted a sex toy for Christmas from ‘us’, and her newest partner told her that he’d made a (again drunken) comment to him the first time they met about how he bets he’s enjoying her bum.

Your husband is a fucking pig, OP.

If he's prepared to speak to your sister like that, he's 100% speaking inappropriately to other women.

There's be no coming back from that, for me.

Their reasoning would piss me off. When I read the OP I thought maybe they were worried about you shooting the messenger and losing you. Which I could understand. It happens so often. But to cover for him because apparently any man, even a total creep, is better than no man at all is a ridiculous reason.

Have you left him? He’s clearly a sex pest. Because if not they were right not to say anything.

If you have, then yes they should have told you.

Yanbu. My husband displayed poor behaviour (not a pass at someone) but a betrayal of me and my family didn’t tell me; but discussed it between them! It came out eventually (always does) and I was so unbelievably hurt by all of them. It made it so much worse.

Your husband is a sleazy sex pest and has no shame. Up to you if you want to be married to someone that most of us would warn our daughters/sisters/mums/friends about

It’s not one drunken mistake. It’s several comments over several years. I bet she’s not the only one he speaks like this to.

They were in a no win situation.

Had they told you and you'd stuck by him, their relationship with you would never have been the same.
They didn't tell you and the relationship may never be the same.

Your slimy DH is not only guilty of being a sex pest, he's also guilty of damaging your family relationships.

Personally, if my husband had said all that to my sister, I'd feel terrible for her, not refusing to speak to her.