Found out my family hid my Husband’s behaviour from me for the last 2 years

[Emily877]

This happened at the weekend so it’s still raw and I’m struggling to know what to do.

I found out from my Sister that my husband made a pass at her two years ago and he has also made various comments to her over the past two years.

Our Mum has been aware of this from the first incident but sworn my Sister to secrecy as between them they believed I was better off not knowing and that no good would come from telling me.

This all came out when the three of us were on a girls trip at the weekend and my sister took offence to something I said about her partner. She snapped back at me by telling me about my H and they eventually came clean with the full story.

My H has confessed to this and is desperately pleading with me to save our marriage. He is putting it down to alcohol and begging me not to leave him.

I am utterly furious with him but also my mum and sister. They’ve watched me spend the past two years with someone knowing what he did and tried to pass it off ‘as in my best interests’.

They have both tried contacting me and I’ve had a long message saying how I’m being stubborn and need to look at this more logically.

So you're punishing the victim of your arsehole of a husband...

He gets a final warning for his vile behaviour and your sister and mum are being told to stay away for essentially not knowing what to do about his vile unsolicited comments towards your sister.

Yes, they should have told you. But the person who was truly in the wrong here is your husband.

Wow.

This. OP this is not the way to go and you have given him carte blanche to do it again and again so long as he doesn't do it in the family.

OP, it's very telling that your DH has got of so much more easily than your mum/sister, despite him

1. being a disgusting sleazeball on multiple occasions
2. putting them in a horrible position where they have to decide whether to tell you or not, how you would receive the information etc

he gets a warning, they're temporarily cut-off.

this seems a bit backwards, if i'm honest.

also, someone that's comfortable making it that known to someone that he'd like to sleep with them TO YOUR ACTUAL SISTER, would be immeasurably more comfortable doing the same with women you don't know.

and the "drunkenness" is a red herring too.

he deliberately waited until it was just the 2 of them, knowing you had gone home. that seems much more calculated than a drunken mistake.

You would have had the same reaction whenever they told you. 100%
It’s the reason they didn’t. It was a lose lose for them and here it is.

So your sister and mom was right then. They can’t win. You accepted your sleezebag called a husband and they’re the ones being punished. If your husband can do that nonsense to family, he’s probably done loads more with other women who you don’t know. If they had told you then, you would have accepted him back as well and cut them off too. Good luck with it all.

For the sake of the children show them you are not a wet wipe.

I hope you dont have sons watching this behaviour be normalised.
I hope you dont have daughters that grow up to be such door mats!

This is why they didn't tell you!

Have you atleast had an STI test?

Oh dear, OP. I’m not sure your loyalties have gone quite the right way.

Oh dear.

Obvious why they said nothing then.

Wow, you punish your own blood family for the minor error of trying to protect you from heartbreak, but not your husband from having been a sleaze over YEARS?

For the sake of your children? Let me tell you, if he’s said those awful things to your sister, he’s said much worse to other women. And he sounds like he has a drink problem - so why are your children better off, exactly, with you two together?

“For the sake of our children I’ve given my Husband a final warning that if I so much as hear any rumour about his behaviour moving forward, we are over.
I have told my Mum and Sister I need some space, I am not cutting them out of my life but I just need to process what they’ve done and I’m really struggling with it.“

Fucking Hell, that’s like Jemima Puddleduck letting Mr Todd into her house whilst the rabbits are telling her that he’s going to eat her.

That's shocking - you've just proved them right.

Also if you've cut your family off, thats a line of communication cut off where you'll hear anything about his behaviour anyway. You've practically given him leeway to try it elsewhere.

What do you mean what they’ve done are the rose tinted glasses really on that firmly your mum and sister aren’t the people in the wrong here your DH is it’s him you need to be mad with not your mum and sister they where trying to protect you and for that they get punished for someone else’s shitty behaviour.

A final warning ? How many previous warnings has he had OP ?

Good luck with that OP. You’ve basically given him the green light to carry on being a sleaze, only he will know not to bother your sister, find someone else to lustover and cover his tracks better.

OP, you've reacted in the exact way that they knew would happen. You've brushed it under the carpet, forgiven him and they're now the villains.

And you wonder why they didn't tell you.........

I'm sure he'll be delighted by this - he'll get to harass other women who won't have the ability to tell you and you've separated yourself from your family, so you're less likely to follow through when he gets caught, as you'll 'have nobody'.

ETA: how old are the children - is there a daughter, by any chance? Her friends will be in his sights at some point - or if you've got boys, their teenaged girlfriends hopefully not until they're 16, but who knows with this level of sleaze

Completely vile behaviour from your DH. Do you have children together?

i understand you feel let down by your family, you’re also shocked. I wouldn’t ruminate on your mum and sister right now, you need support and people behind you to deal with whatever you choose to do next in your marriage.

good luck OP. Be strong.

Your children will one day know that their mum stuck with a sleaze and left the support of people who cared.

What a lesson you have just given them on how to treat people and self respect.

No wonder society is the way it is. Girls accept crap in relationships and men give it with no fear of a push back.

Sheesh.

What a horrible, shameless man.

Exactly.

@Emily877, your H is a self-serving misogynist who was happy to cross incestuous boundaries. To him, women (including you) exist as objects to service his gaze/wants/needs, no matter who they are. I would bet money that there are many examples of his entitlement, selfishness and duplicity, and of the power imbalance in your marriage.

He was clearly confident that you would stay if you found out that he touched and propositioned your Sister, offered to buy her a sex toy, and drooled over her bum to her partner. He has been salivating over her for years and will continue to, and there will have been infidelity and lewdness toward other women. He is surely known for his faithless behavior in certain circles.

This morally bankrupt man is not only a shit husband, he is also a shit father to your children. Indeed, they are absorbing a toxic relationship model. Their sleazy dad perves on their Aunt and has actually made moves on her. Their mother is imposing zero consequences, not even sending him away for a while. She has, however, taken action to punish their Aunt (and in turn their Grandmother), the predator’s victim. Your children will be adversely affected by the corrosive environment of disrespect, misogyny, tension and mistrust at home, which will have far-reaching ramifications in their future choices and relationships.

@Emily877, you are giving H a license to continue his disregard and degradation of you, as well as condoning his predation of your Sister. You are also demonizing her for her misguided decision to keep his secret. She and your DM obviously foresaw your clinging to him despite his heinous behavior.

The kind of man who went after your Sister will not cease his sleazy pursuit of illicit thrills, but he will make sure to go way underground from now on. Are you actually willing to contort and diminish yourself to endure an anxiety-filled existence?

It’s exactly none of my business what you do in your life, @Emily877but I would have moved the kids and myself in with my mum and my sister and sent the perv husband on his way to pervland.
I hope everything works out for you. ❤️

Pervland. No, the man needs reporting by the sister in law for sexual harrassment. He's caused great distress, fear and now the OP is being an utter fool with her decision. She seems to be blotting out he broje the law and sexually harrassed her sister and says she is taking tome away from her mum and sister. They are proved right that the sleazeball would be forgiven and the sister/daughter put nlame on them for not telling her.

I fully understand why your sister and mother decided not to tell you ..,,
You have given your dh carte blanche to continuing perving on others
Op, you will be back here on MN in a few months complaining about him again
I wish you good luck … you are going to need it,