Found out my family hid my Husband’s behaviour from me for the last 2 years

[Emily877]

This happened at the weekend so it’s still raw and I’m struggling to know what to do.

I found out from my Sister that my husband made a pass at her two years ago and he has also made various comments to her over the past two years.

Our Mum has been aware of this from the first incident but sworn my Sister to secrecy as between them they believed I was better off not knowing and that no good would come from telling me.

This all came out when the three of us were on a girls trip at the weekend and my sister took offence to something I said about her partner. She snapped back at me by telling me about my H and they eventually came clean with the full story.

My H has confessed to this and is desperately pleading with me to save our marriage. He is putting it down to alcohol and begging me not to leave him.

I am utterly furious with him but also my mum and sister. They’ve watched me spend the past two years with someone knowing what he did and tried to pass it off ‘as in my best interests’.

They have both tried contacting me and I’ve had a long message saying how I’m being stubborn and need to look at this more logically.

Many years ago my older sister’s (then) partner groped me at my sister’s 30th birthday party. I didn’t say anything to her because I was scared of what the fallout might be and my sister isn’t the most stable of people. I’d disliked the boyfriend from the moment I met him, but everyone else seemed to think he was great and at the time I was 20 years old and I didn’t want to be the one deemed responsible for wrecking a relationship. It’s not as easy as you might think to be the person that breaks that kind of news, especially when your brain is telling you ‘maybe he was just really drunk’, ‘maybe it was a moment of madness’ etc.

Clearly you missed the bit where it was decided that the OP didn't need to know as it would be throwing away a relationship over something silly.

Ah OP , what a horrible thing to happen to you 😔…
I just think if your sister hadn’t knocked him back , he would have gone there & most likely started an affair , do you really want this man to be your husband ? ?
However , she did & I know Kept from you, & so did your mom , they didn’t want to hurt you & didn’t know how to say it , & told themselves it was a drunken mistake to justify in their heads why they weren’t telling you .
I know you’re angry with them now , we would all be the same , but they didn’t do it out of badness .. I do think you , your sister & mom can work things out ..
Like I say , your husband would have embarked on an affair but was turned down ..
Drink is zero excuse, you can’t trust him ….x

Blame the women? Well that’s certainly a well worn trope
Time to Shuffle the blame playlist and apportion blame by behaviour and habituation ➡️That'll be the sleazy husband in case you’re struggling

I take it you are still with your DH as you haven't said once that you've kicked him out. Which will explain precisely why your DM and DS didn't tell you at the time. It is so obvious you are going to forgive him but not them

Are you actually believing that this is a one off situation? For a start it demonstrates that no one is off limits and he’s been eyeing up the sister sexually for a while.

I think the family hid it because they thought the op was aware of his wandering eye and choosing not to react.

Who needs to be married to a man who can’t be trusted and hides behind the traditional excuse of being drunk to act up.

I expect they feared that he would turn it around to sounds as if it was sister who was at fault.
Maybe they thought that you were better off in contact with them?

Well the problem is the family can often see more wrong with the partner than just the sleazy behaviour, but they must think that is you are with him, and you don't see it, you will know he is a sleaze and be blind to that too. Women can really fool themselves, it's not the families fault.

It would upset me that my mother and sister were talking behind my back - deciding between them what is right for me.

However, you say this was not a one off drunken pass from your husband but a series of incidents. Even if he says it won’t happen again it would be difficult to get past the fact that he views your sister sexually rather than as a sister - and, had she been willing, he’d have probably taken it further.

She says he has made other drunken comments over the years, just lewd stuff. When she has been single he has asked if she wanted a sex toy for Christmas from ‘us’, and her newest partner told her that he’d made a (again drunken) comment to him the first time they met about how he bets he’s enjoying her bum.

You're married to a disgusting sleaze.

He has repeatedly made lewd comments to and about her.

It wasn't a one off.

It's his personality.

You'll probably find friends will have similar experiences.

Your mother and sister made a huge mistake keeping it secret.

And by criticising you for how you're feeling they're being horrible. Probably guilt lashing out.

@Emily877, I am sorry about your pain which your Husband has inflicted.

It is sickening that your Sister has been the victim of his sexual advances. Yes, she and your mother were wrong to withhold the truth of his repeated abuse of her and his breach of fidelity to you, but my focus would be squarely on his heinous intimate betrayal.

He has been lusting over your Sister for years and has acted on it three times, not to mention his fantasizing about her both in and out of your presence. His betrayal is beyond the pale and would be unforgivable in my marriage. [And if he would cross that taboo boundary with your own Sister, you can assume that he has made moves on other women.]

It would be game over for me, and his manipulative, performative crocodile tears wouldn’t sway me one bit.

This is awful OP! Your mum and sister were in a horrible position here but equally by not saying anything they let you spend years of your life with this awful man! I don't get how anyone could think it would be a bad thing to ruin a relationship that one party is already out there ruining! You deserved to know.

Surely they'd want to get you away from a man who disrespects you and the family, but ultimately, even though their judgement was questionable here, they probably did worry about causing upset and he is the one in the wrong.

It wasn't a one off the way he has repeatedly said things and you have to wonder how many others are there.. friends, family, people you don't know. If you can stand to be around him I'd keep the peace for now but quietly pave the way for an exit from this one. Wouldn't trust him.

I couldn't get past this. When people are intoxicated they let their inhibitions slip and their true thoughts and feelings come out. He fancies your sister. If your sister had been willing he'd have fucked her that night not even thinking of you feeling poorly at home. I'd bin off husband and low contact with Mum and sister although not their fault they concealed this from you. Makes me wonder if they have concealed anything else from you.

What horrible situation for you and, yes, your family. I would first priorotise dealing with my husband (by kicking him out the door actually). Don't hold it against your family please, they were put in a horrible situation. But it's OK to ask them for space and support from a distance while you deal with your feelings. Unfortunately your sister is unlikely to be his only target, so get ready for hearing similar stories from friends etc if you do separate.

The way she told you, with malice, is the part I would struggle to get over. It would feel like she’s been almost holding it over you this entire time without you even knowing and rather than letting you know from a place of concern it got weaponised and used against YOU. Really nasty behavior.

Id struggle with this too op and them messaging saying you are stubborn is then trying to get you to put up and shut up as that is easier for THEM. They have been really hurtful. You’re owed a really sincere apology at least, not more shitty messages acting like you are the issue.

So sorry about your husband too. It would be unforgivable for me, but I know real life is much harder than just thinking it.

How incredibly hurtful. As disgusting as his behaviour is, I'd be equally as upset that they chose to keep it from me for two years!
And as for the messages calling you stubborn, words fail me, I'm really sorry
Do you have someone you could stay with just to get out of their sight for a day or two?
Do you want to save your marriage?
if it was a drunken one off then maybe I could, but not a pattern of sleazy behaviour
You deserve better than this creep

I understand that you feel disappointed with your sister and your mum. Your sis asked your mum for advice and she told her to not rock the boat. Have a talk with them, tell them how you feel about this. But do not blame them for your DHs disgusting behaviour ! He's a vile pig and you should get rid of him asap. If he's trying it on with your sistet you can be sure he has cheated on you with someone else.

He would be gone . End of story

It’s interesting you have expressed one particularly negative thought towards your husband in any of your posts.
What’s your plan? Are you still together?
You seem to be focusing the blame on your sister and mother rather than your DH, perhaps your sister felt that’s how you would react if she told you your DH told her he wanted to sleep with her?

Your husband is gross. ‘Enjoying her bum.’🤢🤢🤢

So you were unwell and went home. He used that chance to make a disgusting comment to your sister. Yuk.

I am surprised your sister has been able to be normal with him since and look him in the eye without recoiling.

I couldn’t stay with a man like this. I think your family thought they were doing the right thing at the time. You can be annoyed with them for now, but don’t hold a grudge. You are going to need them when your marriage ends. I am sorry.

:( I can see why she didn’t tell you. Poor woman.

Shes was the single sister. Of course she was worried about losing a relationship with you.

more often than not in these situations married people closer ranks, turn a blind eye and call the woman a harlot or some other reason why is the woman’s fault.

not saying you would’ve but I can understand her caution. Even now it’s the women’s fault for the fallout from the man’s behaviour. Rather than being angry at him putting them in this impossible situation.

Op, judging from your posts I can actually
understand why your mother and sister chose not to tell you . You appear to be shifting the focus to your sister and mother rather than your ‘ d’h
Your husband is a nasty, disgusting sex pest who is unable to control his predilections
Only God knows how many other of your friends and relatives this man has sexually harassed because be rest assured your sister is not the only victim
This is not a marriage that can be salvaged , your dh is a sick man and I don’t say this lightly .
For your own sake you should end this marriage and consider having some much needed therapy

I do agree with this. I don’t think a man makes sexual advances and innuendos towards his wife’s sister if he isn’t already like that with others! ^^

I would be very upset about this but it is your DH who has created this situation, not your mum or sister. It is really tricky when people have sleazy partners and husbands. I know from experience that women usually blame the woman, not the man, and it is best to keep quiet. I reached the conclusion that on the whole people didn’t want to know. Difficult when it is such close members of the family though.

This is excellent advice, @Emily877 ❤️
Give yourself space and time to think and grieve and mostly - pull yourself together.