Found out my family hid my Husband’s behaviour from me for the last 2 years

[Emily877]

This happened at the weekend so it’s still raw and I’m struggling to know what to do.

I found out from my Sister that my husband made a pass at her two years ago and he has also made various comments to her over the past two years.

Our Mum has been aware of this from the first incident but sworn my Sister to secrecy as between them they believed I was better off not knowing and that no good would come from telling me.

This all came out when the three of us were on a girls trip at the weekend and my sister took offence to something I said about her partner. She snapped back at me by telling me about my H and they eventually came clean with the full story.

My H has confessed to this and is desperately pleading with me to save our marriage. He is putting it down to alcohol and begging me not to leave him.

I am utterly furious with him but also my mum and sister. They’ve watched me spend the past two years with someone knowing what he did and tried to pass it off ‘as in my best interests’.

They have both tried contacting me and I’ve had a long message saying how I’m being stubborn and need to look at this more logically.

I agree with pp that you're channelling your anger at the wrong people.

Your dh is 100% to blame here, not your sis or mum. They tried to spare you pain.

Gently ,I think his behaviour is well low.its surprising how many times I read about this kind of hitting on a family member. I would think hard about him.he is still saying things to her and the remarks about the new BF enjoying he bum are just gross.

Well in fairness they were right, no good has come of it. Perhaps they just didn't know how to tell you. Perhaps your sister worried you might be annoyed at her or not believe her and think she was jealous. Perhaps they worried it might destroy your relationship, but either way they were right that no good would come of saying anything. Maybe put yourself in that position because we can all say oh id definitely want to know, but it's not always that simple when you're in the situation.

It's not silly and drunken though. He wasn't so shitfaced that he didn't know what he was doing and by them calling it silly is them minimising his behaviour and also minimising theirs so that is a giant piss take.

I would end my marriage over this. It's wasn't just a one off, it's a continuous theme.

How you move forward with your family would depend on your personality. Would you have flared up at them and been hostile or simply disbelieve them or would you have been temperate about it and listened because I think your own personality needs to be taken into consideration over their silence as to if their silence justified in any way?

I would never be able to trust him or see him as anything other than a sleaze so it would be dead for me. He knew what he was doing and was taking a punt on her responding favourably to him.

I have had situations where my family haven't listened when I told them things

Take time out but channel to the person who caused the pain

I'm not blaming them for his actions. I'm blaming them for their actions.

Your husband has a problem with alcohol too, Op.

The main issue here is your H is a disgusting sleaze. He probably chose your Dsis to harass because of who she was and the thrill of would she tell, as well as the clandestine excitement of her responses. His come on was so crude that I think he possibly also gets a thrill out of being rejected - basically any reaction is good. But he is clearly not restricting himself to a few dirty remarks to one person.

Your Dsis and Dm haven’t handled this well - for your Dsis sometimes it’s hard to know how to react when you are being sexually harassed, but keep your main anger for the pond life that deserves it.

you’ve misunderstood my post, The OP has not said she’s left him. He is clearly someone who has done this before and is brazen given his comments to her sister. It was not a mistake on his part and this should be marriage ending. They know her well. If she hasn’t left him, her family may have known this was the likely outcome and therefore did not tell her because what would be the point. This man is not going to change so if she stays she had decided she will overlook this behaviour.

if she has left him, then I agreed with her that they should have told her.

Hold on, other than this revolting man .... your mother told her daughter, your sister, to not say anything and put up with these comments? And now she's telling you not to be stubborn, ie, not to rock the boat, and let betrayal of you and sexual harassment of your sister go?

Love, you've been betrayed all round. Less by your sister than anyone else though.

Sadly you need to take a very good long look at your mother here, when you have time to think.

I have to say I think a marriage of trust and respect is over. If you stay, you know you're staying with a cheat, a liar, a manipulative harasser not only of women, but of the people you love most in the world. Harsh language and oh so common behaviour, but this is what it is.

It's enabling behaviour from them and honestly? Is this sleeze all they think your worth? Because if this is how he behaves around family how does he behave elsewhere? I would divorce him and not want anything to do with them either they do not have your best interests at heart

This update 🤢

You are married to a total sleazebag who has no shame in showing this side of himself to your nearest family and their partners, so wonder what he's like away from people you know?

I would be mortified with embarrassment as the father of my children.

I would get rid. No question
💐

Husband needs to go and I can’t believe your family didn’t tell you!
massive betrayal from them all. I’d make up with family eventually (depending on their reasons). Husband has to go for good. What a disgusting man.

of course the primary person to blame is the husband but I stand by my opinion that the sister and mother were playing fast and loose with the OP's sexual health by not telling her.

He's a confident arrogant one to think the sister wouldn't tell you too. Maybe he was sure she wouldn't be able to resist his charms so it must have come as a shock when he turned him down. What a melt.

Your husband put your sister and mother in the most awkward of positions.

I can fully understand your sister not telling you about the pass two years ago - "he snapped out if it and apologised on the spot" and on that basis she considered it a drunken mistake on his part and she drew a line under it.

Unfortunately your husband is such a sleaze that he took her silence as a green light to keep going. She was then painted into a corner by having kept his first sleazefest from you - how could she now raise it with you without telling you about his first pass, if she did you'd be hurt she'd kept it from you and if she didn't you might downplay it as a one-off?

Yes it hurts that they knew and you didn't. But it all comes back to your husband not caring about your marriage while your sister and mother caring for you.

Please consider it from their point of view. Their actions were through love of you. (His actions were through love of himself.) It's tough. But it's manipulation on your husband's part, not betrayal on theirs.
((hug))

Try to remember your sister is the initial victim in this situation. None of this is her fault, she is not responsible for your husband's sleazy behavior, he alone is. I would be so protective of my sister's feelings and devastated for her having to have put up with such disgusting behaviour. Then your mum stopping her from telling you. Poor woman had her power taken away twice. Your mum probably did think she was doing the right thing in an awkward situation though. Only you can make the choice between your husband and family, but I know which one I would choose.

I can fully understand your sister not telling you about the pass two years ago - "he snapped out if it and apologised on the spot" and on that basis she considered it a drunken mistake on his part and she drew a line under it.
Unfortunately your husband is such a sleaze that he took her silence as a green light to keep going. She was then painted into a corner by having kept his first sleazefest from you - how could she now raise it with you without telling you about his first pass, if she did you'd be hurt she'd kept it from you and if she didn't you might downplay it as a one-off?

That.

It's ridiculous that some posters are calling your sister's decision a 'betrayal'. A betrayal would have been her getting off with him. Not finding herself in a situation where they're was no 'safe' decision regarding whether to tell you and being torn both ways

I feel so sorry for her. She had to endure his attentions, had had to keep this to herself for two years, and when she finally blurts it out, her fears are realised. Her sister won't speak to her.

can both not be wrong fror different reasons and to different degrees?

no I don't get that. She might have (wrongly) decided that once was a moment of drunken idiocy but when it happened a second time SURELY she would think the OP had a right to know.....and at what point does a grown woman take her own decisions and stop doing what her Mum says?? As I keep saying, this is potentially messing with the OP's sexual health!

because she CHOSE to keep it quiet

How is it messing with the OP’s sexual health? The sister never slept with the DH and if he’s also been physically cheating on the OP that’s only his responsibility not the SIL!

It's all on your H. He chose to put your sister in an impossible situation and she is a victim of his advances. Freezing and fawning are natural damage limitation strategies that women instinctively use to protect themselves. Your sister has had to deal with what he did himself, plus fear of your reactions.

It sounds like the women in your family have a culture of unhealthily low expectations of male behaviour. That can be challenging to recognise and undo.

It's understandable to be disappointed that you weren't told sooner, but please direct all the negative emotions stirred onto the person that created the situation in the first place, not a victim stuck in the middle.

Some men purposely hit on the sister because they know they won’t tell. It’s a thing.

It’s the lowest of the low, not just a cheater, but a devious and sly cheater who thought it through.
They really disgust me.
To use a sisters love in this corrupt way is pure evil.

I would consider forgiving your sister on the provision that she never keeps anything from you ever again. I can understand how devastating it must be that she kept this from you but it sounds like she really loves you and was upset.

Your husband on the other hand. He is a devious liar.