Found out my family hid my Husband’s behaviour from me for the last 2 years

[Emily877]

This happened at the weekend so it’s still raw and I’m struggling to know what to do.

I found out from my Sister that my husband made a pass at her two years ago and he has also made various comments to her over the past two years.

Our Mum has been aware of this from the first incident but sworn my Sister to secrecy as between them they believed I was better off not knowing and that no good would come from telling me.

This all came out when the three of us were on a girls trip at the weekend and my sister took offence to something I said about her partner. She snapped back at me by telling me about my H and they eventually came clean with the full story.

My H has confessed to this and is desperately pleading with me to save our marriage. He is putting it down to alcohol and begging me not to leave him.

I am utterly furious with him but also my mum and sister. They’ve watched me spend the past two years with someone knowing what he did and tried to pass it off ‘as in my best interests’.

They have both tried contacting me and I’ve had a long message saying how I’m being stubborn and need to look at this more logically.

I had a good friend's husband make multiple passes at me while I was visiting them and it was so awkward that I stayed out of the house to avoid being alone with him. I did not tell her as I could find no good way of telling her then. Later I discovered that they were in couples counselling trying to save the marriage and I let it go. She divorced him when he tried to make a move on her sister who was visiting them. She later asked me why I hadn't told her, she was upset but I could still see that my telling her at the initial stage would not have landed well with her - she had blinders on. It took the pos making a pretty blatant move on her sister to wake her up.

Yes, absolutely I’d have trusted them. I had a crap relationship before my H and they said they didn’t want me to throw this one away over something silly and drunken so covered it up.

Oh dear, it is a totally crap reason for covering up for your husband. I did not tell my friend as I did not think she was ready for the news and might not believe me (I dropped hints and could see how she evaded the topic). I always knew that she was better off without him.

What do you mean "would you have believed your sister"? Clearly, she does. Her sister is utterly callous for telling her how she did too, clearly wasn't worried about not being believed.

I'm so sorry OP, that's such a huge betrail. Your husband is an utter creep.

Stop.

There is no statute of limitations on sleazy bastard behaviour.

I’d be furious with them all.
Forgive your family and divorce the husband.

My ex did this with my sister, and it also took time for her to tell me. I was devastated, I imagine you are too OP, it’s so shocking.

it’s such self sabotaging/risky behaviour of the partner in these situations, I think it probably always belies a lot of other reckless, stupid and destructive behaviour that is going on. in my case he eventually admitted to at least 9 infidelities including unprotected sex with a crack addicted prostitute. crazy behaviour.

I would not be sure this is the extent of it, theres life beyond a relationship like this. You deserve so much more.

as for your family, they need to give you some space to get your head around this!

I voted YABU, your sister has been SA’d at the end of the day, confided in your mum who (in her generations mindset of women always play nice) told her to keep quiet.

This 👏 is 👏 your 👏’D’H 👏 fault. Not yours; not your sisters; not your mothers.

Editing to add that about 10 years ago my Sister had the groom of one of her best friends try it on with her at his wedding reception!! She told me and our Mum afterwards and I’m sorry to say we all agreed it would be best not to say anything as he’d just lie and say she misheard or whatever. He went on to try it again 6 months later, even trying to kiss her. The couple are still married and my sister is still her friend…I think I would give different advice now…

Your sister is not very sisterly is she? First she suppresses information that you arguably had the right to know, secondly she tells you that information long after the event in order to upset you, thirdly she has the gall to tell you how you ought to react to it.

He came up behind her and touched her waist and said he’d always imagined what it would be like to sleep with her.

This is so so gross OP. Honestly if my DH did this to one of my female family members I’d feel physically sick. I know it’s cliche to tell you to LTB but in this case I would 100% be taking some time out. Either asking him to move out for a bit or moving out yourself to gather your thoughts. I wouldn’t be too angry with your mum and sister….this is a really difficult situation they were put in.

I don’t think I could trust any of them ever again.

In the circs some women "shoot the messager" and that probably influenced their thoughts about whether to tell you.

And even now you're more angry at them and your sister was a victim of your husbands behaviour and your mum a bystand.

I understand why you're hurt but whatever decision you make you'll need their support so be angry but forgive them, talk to them

You must have zero confidence to stay with him. How low does your husband have to be for you to want more?

How confident are you that no one else has said yes to him?

Look, your mum and sister probably didn’t know what to do for the best. But this isn’t really about them, their innocent parties who have got caught in all of this. The person to blame is your sleezy, unfaithful husband.

What the fuck.

She is sexually harassed, makes a genuine effort to get advice and figure out what's best, then it comes out wrong under pressure because the gall of the injustice is too much, and then she gets the blame for the fucker's behaviour because she has not behaved in the way you find most appropriate with the benefit of hindsight?

Djeesus fuck.

I have never told my sister that her dp once saw me in the street and didn’t recognise me. His friend told me that he was going to ask me out. The reason I have never told my sister is because I knew that she would go nuclear at me - as she has done with other issues.

That is the stupidest “advice” I have ever read on MN.

I get why they kept it from you, op, don't be too hard on them. It was a difficult situation to navigate, they made a decision. In hindsight it looks as though it wasn't the right one, especially as yur husband has continued to make sleazy remarks. I expect your sister, and your mum, hoped it would cease.

I'd be interested to know what you said to your sister about her partner that prompted her to snap and pour this out.

Where do you go from here? I know I couldn't stand living with a sleazeball.

If It helps you feel less alone on this, my ex in-laws knew my ex was being investigated for rape at the time, paid for his defence and everyone hid it from me. I only found out when the police came to search our home and my MIL told me to “shut up for once”.

They are just going to have to wait and give you some space whilest you take the time to process this. That's the first thing.

Apportion the blame were it should be, your sleazy husband
Your family misguidedly tried to shield and protect you. It came from a well meaning intention

I couldn't stay with a man who clearly has the raging hots for my sister to the extent that he can't hide it when he's had a drink.

Your poor sister, I feel for her. She's tried to protect you, which shows she cares about you, unlike your sleazy husband.

I'd be furious. He's 🤮. I could never look at him again. Them well they took away your right to choose. They keep a secret from you. They think they know what you need more than you know yourself. Why do they get to chose what's best for you?

No. Her family have tried to shield her from the proclivities of her sleazy husband. Doesn’t make them bad,it’s misguided but from a well intentioned place
Plus it’s a big deal to reveal to your sister that BIL (her husband) made sexual advances and sleazy remarks snout sex toy. Maybe the sister didn’t feel confident or comfortable
Apportion blame were it’s due- sleazy man

If he has the balls to say things like that to your sister….

imagine what he’s saying to all the women that aren’t your sister!!

I’m not sure I could forgive that, OP

I couldn't get passed this. I would always be wondering if he was still lusting after my sister

I agree. I'd feel let down by them but they clearly discussed it and had their reasons for not telling you, and ultimately they didn't want to cause you hurt and potentially a rift between you and them. I think they certainly should have told you but equally I don't think they deserve disowning if that makes sense....your husband is a different matter.