Found out my family hid my Husband’s behaviour from me for the last 2 years

[Emily877]

This happened at the weekend so it’s still raw and I’m struggling to know what to do.

I found out from my Sister that my husband made a pass at her two years ago and he has also made various comments to her over the past two years.

Our Mum has been aware of this from the first incident but sworn my Sister to secrecy as between them they believed I was better off not knowing and that no good would come from telling me.

This all came out when the three of us were on a girls trip at the weekend and my sister took offence to something I said about her partner. She snapped back at me by telling me about my H and they eventually came clean with the full story.

My H has confessed to this and is desperately pleading with me to save our marriage. He is putting it down to alcohol and begging me not to leave him.

I am utterly furious with him but also my mum and sister. They’ve watched me spend the past two years with someone knowing what he did and tried to pass it off ‘as in my best interests’.

They have both tried contacting me and I’ve had a long message saying how I’m being stubborn and need to look at this more logically.

Oh OP I’m so sorry this is all happening.
Sorry if I missed this, but do you have kids?
If not (and even if so) - though it is sad and a lot of upheaval, I would strongly recommend leaving this relationship. His behaviour is unacceptable. He has shown an extreme lack of respect to you.
As for your family, well I guess they did what they thought was right. They weren’t trying to hurt you, they were trying to protect you. So I’d be mad at them, but not too mad.
Good luck OP - you deserve so much better than this guy x

Have you kicked him out and ended the relationship for good?

If not then perhaps that’s why they didn’t tell you.

What’s the point in telling you when you aren’t planning on doing anything about it.

If he's doing that to your own sister, who else is he doing it with?

@Emily877

"They have both tried contacting me and I’ve had a long message saying how I’m being stubborn and need to look at this more logically." Agree with this wholeheartedly.

Don't you think they were actually trying to protect you and your family?

Unsurprising that you're furious with your husband though.

I totally disagree with other posters who say they were trying to protect you.
It is a gross level of deception and I would expect better.
Sending you so much support OP

Well if you stay with him then they would have judged right (notwithstanding it all coming out now).

I think when they didn't say anything the first time (& I get it if he was drunk & apologised immediately) they were then between a rock & a hard place when he carried on.

There are many women on here who say that they would say nothing/not get involved for fear of not being believed.

I totally get why you are angry with them-perhaps they thought that you wouldn't beileve them or would "laugh off" his version?

But really it all goes back to him & what an utter shit he is doesn't it?

Oh. My. God.

Utterly gross.

He said these things to your own sister!

That's bad enough. But for your mom and sister to think you should stay with a sleazeball like that rather than tell you is appalling.

I'm so sorry.

Your husband has repeatedly hit on your sister and she's said nothing.

Now, would you have believed your sister? Are you close?

I think they just didn't want to rock the boat and were being protective of your sister from the fallout while leaving you stuck with a cheater that you didn't know was cheating. He could have given you an STI that could have life altering implications.

He was horrible, but their loyalty should have been towards you, not covering up for him.

I'm a pretty rational person but I fail to see their logic in this coverup for two years.

The only thing I can think of is if they knew you wouldn't leave him even if you knew he was a dog.

Sounds like they were keeping it for in case they ever needed to throw it at you in an arguement. I couldn't forgive that but also your husband is scum to do this to you as well & creat that divide in your family.

No idea how you'd move on from this though just hoping you have support outside of him/them through friends, councillor ect.

I would be angry with them too. By depriving you of the truth they've deprived you of being able to make a decision two years ago. If you would have dumped him then it's two years of your life you've now wasted. It wasn't for them to decide he was "good enough" for you.

But most of your anger should be for him surely? He didn't just make one drunken sleazy mistake. It was a number of times and with someone you know and love. I'm wondering how many times he's done it to other women who aren't in a position to tell you. Yeuch!

I think your sister is a victim here, she has had lewd comments made and been sexually harassed by your disgusting husband. He is a vile creep but now you seem more angry with your sister and mum than him - maybe that's why they didn't feel they could tell you.

Men like your DH deliberately pick on women close to you Op, they do it because they know how hard it will be for them to tell you what he did. Frankly he's a creep, he banked on your DSis not wanting to fall out with you

I mean, given you now seem to be focusing your anger on them, I kinda think they had a point thinking you would do mental contortions to spare him and blame them...

Them not telling you was NOT the problem here.

I think your mum and sister, albeit grossly misguided, we're trying to protect you.

It's absolutely not their fault that your husband is a disrespectful, sleezy, creep.

You know that you can't stay with a man who hits of your sister. He has zero boundaries and will go on to hurt you again and again.

His actions are unforgiveable.
Theirs are, although I don't think it would be wrong to tell them you feel very hurt that the didn't tell you sooner.

This is what he says to your SISTER. What's he saying to other women? It wasn't a drunken comment once, it's three times. This is who he is, alone is better than tolerating that.

Your shock is understandable from both revalations. I want you to step back though and think, why are you not focusing all your fury at your vile husband? He sexually harrassed your sister and touched her, made VERY inappropriate remarks and he wasn't drunk was he when he asked if sge wanted a sex toy for Xmas. Your husband is a gross, nasty, sick sexual predator. Your sister has been a victim of his illegal behaviour that in a workplace would get him sacked and if reported, arrested for sexual harrassment. You are reeling that it has been covered up, but sadly females have hidden the predatory ways of men for fear of not being believed or blamed. I wonder if you would have tried to make your sister out as a liar or coming onto him if she had tokd you at the time. Your mum was being a mum and trying to protect bothof you. The one you should be disgusted and furious at is your pervert husband for harrassing your sister. She is a victim here and you are the wife of a sleazeball. Stop being nad at your sister and mum. I'd be done with the odious husband and divorce him. What he did to your sister is not a drunken mistake. He made perverted comments and touched her! He is for the divorce pit.

Ugh. He sexually harassed your sister on multiple occasions. And then your mother convinced her not to say anything to protect him.

No wonder she exploded when she felt her DP was under attack.

It wasn't silly. It was sleazy and disgusting. If your sister had said yes he'd have had sex with her. Urgh

She should have told you the first time. He apologised straight after. Rightly or wrongly she assumed it wouldn't happen again.
It's happen a second time how does she tell you now as she has to tell you about the first time. Then the third has happen.

The way it came out sounds like it has been eating away at her. They were wrong not to tell you.

He was wrong to consider it in the first place - you were ill!!
He was wong to do offer such a gift
He's a tit to pass such a sexual comment to her DP.

Get checked for an STI as if he can say this to your sister waht will he say when out.

My sister knows if she told me something like this my partner would be out that night.

You have every right to be angry with them all. Only you know what to do going forward. Take your time process it.

What would you have said at the time? Lots of women won't believe, say the other person is jealous, choose to stay. All of those reactions would likely have destroyed your relationship with your sister.

One drunk comment is worlds apart from repeatedly making deeply inappropriate comments to and about your sister. Fucking hell.

He is genuinely revolting. And completely without boundaries, morals or respect.

happened to my sil her dsis huband came onto her she decided not to tell her-he eventually cheated but i dont think she ever found out about her sister

they didnt want to risk being vcut off apparently

This !
Absolutely this.
You probably wouldn’t have believed her.
At least he has admitted it.
If my husband made a pass at my sister he’d be out the door.

I would be pissed off with my mum and sister, but I could forgive them.

That disgusting piece of shit who is supposed to love you, I could never see my way to forgiving that.

When someone tells you who they are, listen.

He's a sleazy perv who thought nothing of talking about your sister's arse to her own boyfriend 🤢.

I'm going to hazard a guess he watches porn, has a stash of pictures in a wank bank of random women, and thinks he's gods gift.