What could I have done differently? 15yr old no tea

[Oollliivviiaa]

My 15yr old is being vile to me recently. Everything is my fault and some days she will barely speak to me. Yesterday she was awful to me all day. I got a half hearted apology in the evening.

She has taken to moaning about everything we give her to eat. We've asked her what she wants and within reason try to accommodate it (recognising that others have to eat it, time constraints etc). However she just says "I dunno" if we ask her so Ive started just cooking. That always end up with "ugh I dont want it". Tonight I started cooking and she demanded to know what I was cooking. She likes it but if I told her, she would have moaned and I just cant be bothered so I said "it'll be done soon, can you set the table please". She started moaning so I said "it doesnt matter what it is because you'll moan that you dont like it anyway". Not the most helpful comment I know.

Anyway she stormed off to her room because of that comment and has decided shes not going to eat tea (she still doesn't even know what it is!). Her dad went up to tell her it was done and she refused to come down. Ive gone up just to say that if she doesnt eat it, there wont be anything else until breakfast and if she doesn't eat it tonight, it will be reheated for tomorrow's tea. (It reheats well so Im not serving her anything horrible). I wasnt being confrontational or anything like that. She made a sarcastic comment so I just walked away.

She's not come down so I guess shes not having tea.

Its just All. The. Time. It is constant. I am worn out and as awful as it sounds, Im struggling to care that she hasn't had tea (she had a big dinner, she wont starve).

FYI - she refuses to help. Sometimes she wont even stay in the same room as me.

Her dad / my husband is of no use and just sits on the fence. I dont feel like he ever has my back. Yes, that's a husband problem etc etc.

So, how could I have stopped this? What could I have done differently?

Before anyone suggests it, her cooking her own food isnt an option for a myriad of reasons and would actually cause more problems than it solves. Plus, its not really relevant anyway.

Well saying she can have it reheated wasn’t helpful and unnecessary unless you’re all eating leftovers tomorrow?

theres clearly something at play here, you need to find out what’s troubling her

just offer toast/ cereal and don’t make a deal of it

Why are you turning it into a battle? Why are you trying to have power over her and force her to have it for tea tomorrow?

If she doesn’t want it, so what? She isn’t going to starve to death.

She isn't going to starve. Division of responsibility - you provide food, she decides whether and how much she eats.

I think it is a bit relevant why she can't make her own dinner.

I don't think you can stop a teenager doing teenage behaviour - just try not to let it get to you. (I know easier said than done!!)

Ive purposely had a small portion for tea tonight so that we can both have it reheated tomorrow. It reheats fine. If it didnt, I wouldnt be doing it.

I probably wouldn’t have said she’ll gave it reheated tomorrow, but aside from that, I’d have done the same. I won’t be a martyr to awful teen behaviour. I expect reasonable manners from mine.

I’d cook her food, put it out. If she doesn’t eat it, that’s her choice. If she’s being so rude to you, I wouldn’t enter into conversation with her.

This I would not have said about breakfast or reheat for tea just say it is there if she wants and then leave it
less is more woth teenagers

She didnt even know what it was! She still doesnt.

Whatever it was, she'd have moaned about how much she hated it. Thats the point.

How is this relevant?

You are trying to have power over her. That isn’t parenting.

Cook her food, put it out. She can eat it or leave it, her choice.

I get this with my DD a lot. I ask before I shop what teas she would like. I don't always get a response. If she doesn't want what I'm making she gets herself a sandwich. If she doesn't respond when asked before I cook or says she wants it then changes her mind, she gets nothing else. I try not to get to stressed about it. It's been like this for about a year and she is still a healthy weight.

Don’t tie yourself in knots, let her starve.

A fifteen year old is old enough to regulate their food and not refuse food if they’re absolutely starving. Unless she’s thin as a rail or has an eating disorder then I think it is perfectly reasonable to tell her it is this or nothing and let her go to bed without dinner several nights in a row. Most people will eventually eat when they are hungry.

Unless she has some larger issue with food, I think this is fine. Teenagers will be stroppy, let them deal with the reality of hunger as a result.

If she refuses to eat what you cook her, then that’s that.

Let her go hungry. She’ll give in eventually.

Don’t stress yourself out at meal times.

You’re the parent! You don’t have to give in to her demands.

Have done exactly the same myself op. Dinner is on the microwave. Its that or nothing until breakfast.

Especially when they are being deliberately rude and you know fine well its a meal they always eat usually.

Which is why less is more - no threats about breakfast or reheating it - that makes it a battle.

Simply say it is ready and then leave it

I absolutely second the fact that there's more to this. The dinner and food is a symptom and you're going to have to try find out what's going on with her.

It's easy to say as an outsider. I get stressed myself about food. My teen is very slim. I have awful digestive diseases so it's always a worry for me more than I should allow it.

However - I would prioritise right now, having a conversation with her privately. When nobody is in the house. It's not even to talk about food. It is to meet with her on her level emotionally and with total compassionate and ask her what's going on for her in her life right now. Tell her that you love her. You want her to be ok and can we work together to sort it out.

Just see how that goes.

She will eat when she's hungry. I would not worry about what you said to her. Do you question yourself this much usually? I called my teen a bloody awful name a few weeks ago. We are human and it's hard work. And it's ten times harder with dads like the one you describe. He wants to let you be the bad cop. Spineless imo.

Any chance she's ND? My teen is. It rings a few bells is why I mention.

I hate to say it but could she be suffering from some kind of eating disorder if she is not eating at all or very little? Is it all meals she is difficult about or only her main meal which you cook? Does she appear to be snacking? Do you know whether she eats lunch at school?

But by making a point of saying she can have it for tea tomorrow youve set up for conflict at that meal too.

I think i would have just left it when she said she didn't want to come down - her leftover portion into fridge maybe with a post it on saying how long in microwave, and leave it at that.

How is her body image? As a teenager my issues with that made me funny about food and family meals.

Personally I don't think that it was helpful to not tell her what the meal was, especially as you say you know that she normally likes it.
She probably thought that it was something that she doesn't like.

Point taken about the comment about reheating seeming like a threat. I should have just quietly done it tomorrow.

You are the parent, stop asking her what she wants if she doesn't reliably tell you.

Don't worry about this, typical teen behaviour, just make what you were going to have. If she doesn't want to eat it I agree it can be available tomorrow or we have a leftovers day every week.

We tend to say "it's fine not to eat it but there's no further meals till tomorrow. Your choice".

Tonight I started cooking and she demanded to know what I was cooking. She likes it but if I told her, she would have moaned and I just cant be bothered so I said "it'll be done soon, can you set the table please".

I wouldn’t have played games, I’d of just said we’re having X for tea. If she moans just ignore and dish up. She either eats or she doesn’t

Her dad went up to tell her it was done and she refused to come down. Ive gone up just to say that if she doesnt eat it, there wont be anything else until breakfast and if she doesn't eat it tonight, it will be reheated for tomorrow's tea.

Her dad went up and she refused to come down so there was no reason for you to go up. I’d of just plated it up put it in the fridge and reheated it for her dinner tomorrow.

My first thought is that there is quite obviously something at play here, whether with food or with you, it is beyond normal teenage behaviour that you say she won’t even stay in a room with you.

My second thought, as with other posters, is that I don’t understand why you’re going for it as a power trip and trying to make it a battle. Why the “you’ll be having it tomorrow” comment if not to try and almost threaten her with it? It’s not exactly a brilliant relationship to have with her.

She’s 15, you prepare her meal, put it out, she can eat it or not. If not, she can reheat it, or make herself some toast/cereal/snack.

You were handling it fine until you went up to her room (after she’d already refused to come down) and continued the argument. She should have been ignored once your H had invited her to join you and she’d refused.

Well no, because you’re deliberately doing that as a power move to try and have control over her.

You need to let go and not make a massive deal out of this. Cook her a meal, put it out. She can eat it or leave it. If she leaves it, she can go hungry or make herself something.

You don’t need to be trying to control this and you will end up causing food issues by doing so (though it sounds like you may have already done this).

I’d just keep it light going fwd. Laugh her dramas off. Hormones are in full force at the moment for both of you. If she doesn’t want tea suggest she gets some toast but keep it super light. Keep praising her when she’s helpful and plan nice trips out together to help you bond more.x