What could I have done differently? 15yr old no tea

[Oollliivviiaa]

My 15yr old is being vile to me recently. Everything is my fault and some days she will barely speak to me. Yesterday she was awful to me all day. I got a half hearted apology in the evening.

She has taken to moaning about everything we give her to eat. We've asked her what she wants and within reason try to accommodate it (recognising that others have to eat it, time constraints etc). However she just says "I dunno" if we ask her so Ive started just cooking. That always end up with "ugh I dont want it". Tonight I started cooking and she demanded to know what I was cooking. She likes it but if I told her, she would have moaned and I just cant be bothered so I said "it'll be done soon, can you set the table please". She started moaning so I said "it doesnt matter what it is because you'll moan that you dont like it anyway". Not the most helpful comment I know.

Anyway she stormed off to her room because of that comment and has decided shes not going to eat tea (she still doesn't even know what it is!). Her dad went up to tell her it was done and she refused to come down. Ive gone up just to say that if she doesnt eat it, there wont be anything else until breakfast and if she doesn't eat it tonight, it will be reheated for tomorrow's tea. (It reheats well so Im not serving her anything horrible). I wasnt being confrontational or anything like that. She made a sarcastic comment so I just walked away.

She's not come down so I guess shes not having tea.

Its just All. The. Time. It is constant. I am worn out and as awful as it sounds, Im struggling to care that she hasn't had tea (she had a big dinner, she wont starve).

FYI - she refuses to help. Sometimes she wont even stay in the same room as me.

Her dad / my husband is of no use and just sits on the fence. I dont feel like he ever has my back. Yes, that's a husband problem etc etc.

So, how could I have stopped this? What could I have done differently?

Before anyone suggests it, her cooking her own food isnt an option for a myriad of reasons and would actually cause more problems than it solves. Plus, its not really relevant anyway.

Urgh I remember this stage. Its because you are old and stupid and useless in their heads.

Wouldnt matter what it is, there will be a problem.

I remember one point where I could have handed over a cheque for ten million quid and it would be written in the wrong colour ink.....

I just stopped giving it any energy. "Ok" every single time. But made it clear that everything that was complained about, I would stop doing for the moaner. A couple of them clearly didnt believe me. After doing their own washing for a while and having to cook their own meals (or more usually having toast) it improved massively.

I suspect she wants a hug or some attention but can't put it into words so she moans instead.

And these are the parents that kids will be talking about in therapy.

all rules, no empathy

This

I would tell her the food is ready & to help herself. If she is hungry she will go ahead & eat.

There could be things troubling her that has nothing to do with you. Perhaps visit her when she is in bed for the night,give her a hug & mention you've noticed she's not been herself recently & is there anything she would like to confide in you about. Remind her you felt the same at times when you were 15 but its better to talk about it.You may get nowhere but its worth a try.

I don’t mean OP here who has overreacted a bit once, I mean others who are coming on to say ‘yeah starve them! Make food a battle! Great idea!’

Why don’t you talk to her? Say something like ‘ you seem really angry lately - what do you think is the reason for that?’ Ask her open questions about what’s happening with her and be prepared to listen to what she says even if it’s not what you want to hear .
it seems like you have gone into some sort of power struggle with her atm and that will never end well.
i hope you get things resolved.

She either eats what you've cooked or takes responsibility for buying, cooking and cleaning up after herself if she wants something different to the rest of the family.

I was typing my response when this was posted & exactly my thoughts too. A hug & the offer of having a chat.

Yes. I literally have a folder that Ive put all her favorite foods in. Its her folder and she can add / remove / edit etc so that when we are meal planning and she says "I dont know" or her favorite "you cant expect me to pluck an idea out of thin air" she can have a look at the folder. She refuses to and acts like Im unreasonable of I suggest it.

The only thing I ask is that it doesnt take longer than 45mins to prep and actively cook (ie stand there and stir, if it goes in the oven for 2hr that's fine).

Tbh, Im not getting into the "you can have something else" discussion with her. I always make food she likes. Im not willing to throw good food away so she can have a slice of toast.

Just let her cook her own meal. She acts the way she does because you're putting pressure on her to cook for everyone. She's overloaded with the stress of having to get it right. You think that's fair because you do it every day, so why shouldn't she get a taste of her own medicine. But she's obviously not as comfortable in the kitchen as you. Just let her make her own meals. If they turn out wonky, she's the only one who has to eat them, and can just do better next time.

Ditto for the washing. She's fifteen. If she wants something washed specially, she can do it herself.

DS1 was very fussy about food. I never got specific ingredients in for him - doomed to failure as you described.

What I did more generally was taught him to cook simple things, or invited him to help me cook something he was interested in eating so he could learn how to do it. Before we started cooking, we'd ask him if he wanted some, to save waste. If it was something where leftovers could be saved, then we'd just cook and he could have a portion, or not. Sometimes I ask if he wants e.g. just some spaghetti/just some sauce (e.g to heat up later with his own pasta, to have with chips depending on the meal). I still do this also for the younger DC who are 6 and 3. If they don't want to (or I don't think they will) eat what we are eating, I make them something separate which is simple, or I split out part of the meal and replace it for them with something they like.

Then once I knew he could cook a few simple things (oven chips/chicken nuggets, pasta, eggy bread, instant noodles, beans on toast, etc) then I just made sure we always had ingredients to cook these kinds of things and some convenience foods like frozen pizza in the house pretty much at all times, and we'd make whatever we wanted and if he didn't fancy it he could help himself to something else.

It is difficult to do the teaching/inviting to help with a teenager, though. I was doing this more when he was about 8-12. By the time he was 15 he was making most of his own meals, he can make a lot more now, he also does things like pancakes, chilli/curries (with jar sauce), he makes all kinds of concoctions with ramen noodle packets and various veg/meats, he even started to follow recipes he finds on tiktok etc.

I think it's trickier if you're trying to hold onto the concept that one person must cook for everyone and everyone must eat all together the same meal.

Tbh I was kind of asking how I can deal with tantrums / when she escalates / when she is awful to me better rather than abput food and meal times specifically.

Apart from her generally moaning about it, food isnt a particular issue.

It’s not about the food OP. She is looking for attention. Just talk to her.

Sorry OP but why are you making this all about food when her reactions to your food may be due to something far deeper than what she would like to eat.

my 14 and 16 year olds eat what I cook or they cook themselves something. It’s not an issue. You are treating her like a small child and trying to ‘win’. Shes 15. I’d cut this crap out unless you want her gone from your life at 16 and you never see her again.

I never said that she has to cook for everyone.

Our kitchen fits 2 people in. Literally, its tiny. If she is cooking then (understanably) it will take much longer which means everyone has to wait. There just isnt room. We're absolutely fine waiting if she cooks something but when shes fussed about and still not cooked or eaten and no one else has either, and we're all tired and hungry, its not fine.

You are creating a lot of unnecessary conflict. Ask if she wants what you are making and if she doesn’t let her have toast or muesli or whatever. She will grow out of this phase and you will only prolong it by fighting it.

Well then you don’t want a solution and you just want to stay in this battle.

That’s a ridiculous response. Cook for everyone and she either joins or she doesn’t. If she doesn’t want a portion then fridge or freezer it. It can be eaten another time by someone else.

You sound like a teenager in your responses. Her brain is literally different from yours. Teenagers get themselves into all sorts of confused muddles and act like idiots- that’s being a teenager for you. It’s bloody awful being 15 and she’s having a harder time of it than you- I’d be the mum of a 15 year old rather than a 15 year old a million times over.

Cut her some bloody slack. She’ll be grown and out soon enough. Ease up on her and stop being so precious about dinners. It’s a tiny phase in both your lives. Lighten the fuck up.

Is there any food she particularly likes?

Perhaps you could talk about food when she's in a better mood.

• You used to love Shepherd's Pie at one time. Is that still your favourite?
• Have you had any particularly nice food at a friends house or in a restaurant that you've enjoyed?

Do you have take aways? What does she enjoy then?

It’s not punishing her she doesn’t even know what the meal is 🤣 fair enough if she genuinely doesn’t like what the OP has cooked and she’s still forcing her to eat it, but that’s not the case. Surely it’s more about not wasting food and having to cook ANOTHER meal she won’t eat than punishing her

What is 'it'. Is it too outing to say what 'it' is? I wouldn't get worked up. She'll make a sandwich if she's hungry. Pick your battles.

You don't have to throw food away. Just check if she's eating what you're eating, before you start to cook. If she says no, she cooks for herself and you don't make her anything. If you make good food she'll tire of beans on toast and come back to the family mealtimes eventually. You just have to accept that you won't share every meal together anymore, as you did when she was a child.

It's not about the food. She wants some independence.

Yeah it could be a multitude of things. Like your example, it could be that.

No one is blaming ND. This is a common knee jerk reaction to the suggestion and it's a real issue that upsets people; I won't ever understand why. With the ND population at such astoundingly high numbers; higher than anyone realises, well, it's always worth thinking if it's a possibility. Food control issues are common.

I didn't do this at 15. I did alot of shit. I was very rebellious and had loads going on. I didn't do this though.

I did end up taking laxatives for a short time and developed some weird eating issues.by 19 however.

If one arse wipe had just sat down and checked in with me during my teen years I think I could have saved myself alot of problems. ( I'm not calling you that OP).

The point of my post is - parents I believe are so surface level sometimes, they just refuse to pause and dig into what's going on with their own kids. Or they don't really want to know.

I'm quite sure there's more to this and why not engage with her and find out what it is. Then OP can respond accordingly.

You’re being really silly to refuse to let her have some autonomy and choose to cook something else if she doesn’t want what you cooked. She’s 15 for god’s sake. You’re treating her like she’s 5 and you’ve learned nothing from the thread