What could I have done differently? 15yr old no tea

[Oollliivviiaa]

My 15yr old is being vile to me recently. Everything is my fault and some days she will barely speak to me. Yesterday she was awful to me all day. I got a half hearted apology in the evening.

She has taken to moaning about everything we give her to eat. We've asked her what she wants and within reason try to accommodate it (recognising that others have to eat it, time constraints etc). However she just says "I dunno" if we ask her so Ive started just cooking. That always end up with "ugh I dont want it". Tonight I started cooking and she demanded to know what I was cooking. She likes it but if I told her, she would have moaned and I just cant be bothered so I said "it'll be done soon, can you set the table please". She started moaning so I said "it doesnt matter what it is because you'll moan that you dont like it anyway". Not the most helpful comment I know.

Anyway she stormed off to her room because of that comment and has decided shes not going to eat tea (she still doesn't even know what it is!). Her dad went up to tell her it was done and she refused to come down. Ive gone up just to say that if she doesnt eat it, there wont be anything else until breakfast and if she doesn't eat it tonight, it will be reheated for tomorrow's tea. (It reheats well so Im not serving her anything horrible). I wasnt being confrontational or anything like that. She made a sarcastic comment so I just walked away.

She's not come down so I guess shes not having tea.

Its just All. The. Time. It is constant. I am worn out and as awful as it sounds, Im struggling to care that she hasn't had tea (she had a big dinner, she wont starve).

FYI - she refuses to help. Sometimes she wont even stay in the same room as me.

Her dad / my husband is of no use and just sits on the fence. I dont feel like he ever has my back. Yes, that's a husband problem etc etc.

So, how could I have stopped this? What could I have done differently?

Before anyone suggests it, her cooking her own food isnt an option for a myriad of reasons and would actually cause more problems than it solves. Plus, its not really relevant anyway.

Honestly. She's only 15. Let her be. When she nears 18, take restock and start toughening the game

Speaking as someone who has had up close and personal experience with an eating disorder, I would second the idea of trying to get to the root of why she is unhappy, not a probing conversation, but listening and being there with her emotionally (which is hard, esp if you have a moany teenager!) again and again (weekly ‘date’ for a coffee out?) The person I knew with an eating disorder - it started when they were around 15, beginning with becoming vegetarian, then gradually vegan, then restricting more and more. It crept up, not related to vanity, and never any throwing up. It took quite a while before they could speak about it.
I hope none of this is the case for your teen!

How old are your children - 10 or 11? You seem very strict.

Drop the rope. Let her know what the meal is, and then let her know it's her choice as to whether she eats it or not but you aren't going to listen to moaning and you aren't making anything else. Calm, firm, polite, relaxed.

Unless she's often skipping meals I just wouldn't stress about it.

At a calm time when you're not about to eat you can see if she fancies meal planning with you, or learning to cook some simple dishes she can make for herself. She might not want to, but offer it as an alternative solution.

Am I missing something? Why are so many people blaming the issues they have with their children on ND?
It’s a long time since I had teenagers, but I had this issue with one of my daughters when they were in their teens. I would put her dinner in front of her, and we would also have the same meal at the same time. She would usually push the food around the plate but not attempt to eat any. This used to drive me mental, but I said nothing. When we had all finished, I would clear the plates away, including her untouched one, which would be put in the fridge. My husband and I would excuse ourselves and get on with what we wanted to do. She would normally go to her room. Thankfully, this approach worked (at least on her) and after a few weeks, she started joining us for meals. She still ate very little at first, and I still didn’t comment on it. It all sorted itself out in the end. Obviously, I kept an eye on her weight and her health. It was clear she wasn’t starving but I never knew where she got her food from. She’s 55 now and healthy as can be and so is our relationship! Phew! It’s hard being a mum!

Mine is lucky to have a meal made for her when I finish at 6.30pm. She has often made herself something and eaten before I get home. My only problem is she hasn't made me something too lol.

More seriously, mine cook quite often as I do finish late a couple times a week. She always eats anything I make for us and is grateful when it's more elaborate than a quick dinner on my early finishes and days off.

I'm not sure why your child isn't able/allowed to cook but I see it as an essential part of growing up to learn to be self sufficient.

Not saying this is the case here @Oollliivviiaa but when I was slightly younger than your DD I developed an ED as a result of bullying - there was nothing could do to stop / control that, but I could control what and when I did or didn’t eat.

Could there be something else going on with your DD that is manifesting itself as her seeming difficult about food? x

Why is it not an option? I cooked all my own meals from the age of 15 by choice. It was fine.

God I sympathise , in Spades . I’ve just laid down the law here too.

I think I would have told her what it was when she asked as it’s not an unreasonable question. Beyond that I probably wouldn’t have raised the issue of what dtd can and can’t eat this eve / what she’s having tomorrow. However, in a calmer moment I would talk to her about the fact you are not her servant and if she routinely doesn’t eat the meal you’ve cooked (which is something she likes) then she is welcome to cook for herself instead to avoid waste.

Well if she's 55 now, it's quite unlikely that any ND would have been picked up since it wasn't usually thought of that way in the 80s. I don't think periods of low appetite is particularly a sign of ND anyway - teenagers often struggle with their moods (which might affect appetite) and it can be a perfectly normal phase they grow out of.

More generally with the ND thing, I don't think it's a "blame" thing, just offering a suggestion of something which might help explain otherwise baffling behaviour. Neurodiversity is fairly common, much more so than it used to be thought and it's usually helped by understanding on either side.

Im not concerned about her relationship with food, its generally fine. Too many sweets but that's normal I think. She is a healthy weight.

This kicked off over food but tbh earlier in the week it was because Id put her shoes away. Also about some clothes that she'd put in her wash basket but hadnt told me she wanted them washed for something. She gets in a mood and then its just a case of seeing what about. It just happened to be this today.

I didnt go up to continue the argument. It was as I was serving (and my hysband had gone up about 10mins before) so I went up to check. I was neutral and walked away as soon as it was obvious she wanted to fight. I shouldn't have said about tomorrow's tea. It really wasnt a threat at all but I can see how it came across as one.

I didnt tell her what her tea was because Id have had 40mins of her moaning about it instead of the 5 when I put it down in front of her. I know she likes it but whatever was served she'd have moaned.

Tbh after yesterday Ive kept put of her way most of the day. I just didnt have the energy for another day like that.

We regularly do things just us. She has a hobby that I have absolutely no interest whatsoever. But she'll happily talk to me for ages about it so I have learned about it and ask questions and talk with her about it and take her to events. I am trying to find common ground with her and neutral ways to talk. Funnily enough, its me that does all this with her, not my husband/her dad but I get 99% of the grief thrown at me.

She wont talk to me or my husband though.

Good lord. Why are you treating your 15 year old like a small child in 1965? If she doesn’t want the dinner, she can just help herself to anything else from the cupboard and cook something for herself surely, at that age?

Is she losing weight, or wearing baggy clothes so you can't see if she is losing weight? If yes then a calm conversation about anything other than food, will soon make the issue clear.

If not, it sounds like typical teenage behaviour which is essentially Toddler 2.0. Decide what you want to happen in your house behaviour wise and keep to those boundaries calmly. Use access to the internet to reinforce those boundaries, not food.

Why won’t you let her cook some of her own meals or a meal for the whole family occasionally? I loved to cook at that age.

and yes the thing you could do differently is give her more of a voice to decide what she wants to eat or if not she can cook what she wants to it. Dialogue and discussion, not ‘laying down the law’. It doesn’t work at that age.

Leave her to it. She sounds a pain and she'll be the hungry one.

Like… why can’t she make herself beans on toast or a jacket potato or whatever if she doesn’t fancy the dish you’re making? Why are you making food a control thing?

My dd was tough at that age - she's great now. I found Non violent communication- Marshsll Rosenberg really helpful. It really helped to take the judgement out of conversations - it took out all the drama.

Why should OP waste cooked food because a sulky teen has decided not to eat. And why should she offer anything else ? Sometimes it’s just a case of stroppy teen and pandering doesn’t help.

Sounds a bit odd that she can't cook her own meals at 15. I would literally stop cooking for her, and take the pressure off. Show her how to work the washing machine etc - give her the autonomy. You need to let her grow up x

Why can't she cook for herself?

We've tried it numerous times at her request and at our suggestion. She picks the food and then either her or we get the stuff depending on whether she wants to. Then on the day she cant be bothered or is too tired or something else and wont cook. Or she'll ask for help which is absolutely fine but then get cross because we dont give her the right type of help whatever that is. Then its 1830 and no one has eaten.

There are a few other reasons too.

I will suggest it again.

Because ‘forcing’ will make things even worse.

Op, I stock up on udon noodles, cous cous, eggs and avocados for quick substitutes they can make themselves.

Teens are allowed to decide what they put in their bodies.

Yeah but I mean if she’s moaning about what you’re cooking for dinner, say ‘OK fine, no problem! You don’t have to eat it’ (don’t make it a battle— same with a toddler or any age). Then as she’s 15 - she could be moving out in 3 years - tell her to help herself to beans on toast or the pasta in the cupboard etc. honestly just chill and the phase will pass. Do not make food a point of contention as it just makes people more stubborn.

imagine if someone persuaded you to eat a shepherds pie you didn’t fancy. Wouldn’t you want to eat it LESS once they tried to get you to eat it?