What could I have done differently? 15yr old no tea

[Oollliivviiaa]

My 15yr old is being vile to me recently. Everything is my fault and some days she will barely speak to me. Yesterday she was awful to me all day. I got a half hearted apology in the evening.

She has taken to moaning about everything we give her to eat. We've asked her what she wants and within reason try to accommodate it (recognising that others have to eat it, time constraints etc). However she just says "I dunno" if we ask her so Ive started just cooking. That always end up with "ugh I dont want it". Tonight I started cooking and she demanded to know what I was cooking. She likes it but if I told her, she would have moaned and I just cant be bothered so I said "it'll be done soon, can you set the table please". She started moaning so I said "it doesnt matter what it is because you'll moan that you dont like it anyway". Not the most helpful comment I know.

Anyway she stormed off to her room because of that comment and has decided shes not going to eat tea (she still doesn't even know what it is!). Her dad went up to tell her it was done and she refused to come down. Ive gone up just to say that if she doesnt eat it, there wont be anything else until breakfast and if she doesn't eat it tonight, it will be reheated for tomorrow's tea. (It reheats well so Im not serving her anything horrible). I wasnt being confrontational or anything like that. She made a sarcastic comment so I just walked away.

She's not come down so I guess shes not having tea.

Its just All. The. Time. It is constant. I am worn out and as awful as it sounds, Im struggling to care that she hasn't had tea (she had a big dinner, she wont starve).

FYI - she refuses to help. Sometimes she wont even stay in the same room as me.

Her dad / my husband is of no use and just sits on the fence. I dont feel like he ever has my back. Yes, that's a husband problem etc etc.

So, how could I have stopped this? What could I have done differently?

Before anyone suggests it, her cooking her own food isnt an option for a myriad of reasons and would actually cause more problems than it solves. Plus, its not really relevant anyway.

Because people should be allowed bodily autonomy.

When she asks what a for tea just tell her. If she huffs say she can have toast or cereal or fish fingers etc. Ask if she’d like to cook dinner one night for a change for everyone if she doesn’t like what you make.

She doesn’t need to cook for everyone. Just have things in that she likes and can cook herself and say “we’re all eating this at X time. If you don’t want it you can cook something else for yourself. I can put leftovers in the fridge if you think you don’t want it tonight but might have it tomorrow.”

Take the pressure off. It doesn’t need to be this difficult. And remember she is the teenager. Not you. You seem determined to meet her with the same energy she’s giving you. You’re the adult- stop making it a big deal.

I think you were petty to not tell her what it was, sounds like you were picking an argument and came at it from an already angry POV. Go up and tell her what the food is, asks if she wants it. You’re treating her like a toddler.

What I’m saying is she doesn’t need to cook for the family, just something simple for herself. She doesn’t fancy what you’ve cooked, fine — she can microwave it later or she can cook something herself from the cupboard. YOU are making this into an issue. She is likely getting stressy about food because you’re making it a control thing too.

She doesnt need to plan to cook - have chicken nuggets, pizza, burgers, pasta bake, instant noodles, etc in all the time. She can help herself to whatever is in the freezer that she feels like.

If someone insisted I planned and cooked from scratch every meal, I'd also be annoyed and not want to.

Why can't she get something she likes out of the freezer and cook it?

Yes. This was very odd and controlling not to tell her.

and yeah of course she’s not gonna be doing a complicated meal plan at 15, but you should have stuff in the fridge for eggs on toast, pasta and sauce and cheese, beans on toast, whatever. You’re treating her like she’s 2 and tbh it’s crap parenting at 2 too to try to force them to eat

as a parent of 3 over 16 year olds, meals are the bane of my existence. I hate them, i hate food shopping, deciding what we are eating, cooking it, everything. Im over it, so very over it.

So, each of them cook and decide one night a week. They can now all cook, something simple like pesto pasta and salad, to full roast dinners, and everything inbetween. They decide. Generally speaking, one is making pasta, one is making fajitas, the third changes every week to what ever shes seen on tiktok. Its always fine, and they are learning a skill, plus they are learning how much to cook for how many people they are feeding, and checking what we have in and what needs getting from the shop for said meal. Ive also previously done gousto and had them involved in teh choices, then they cook the one they pick. That worked really well too, but deliveries became inconsistent so i stopped it.

If they dont want what is being made, fine. Theres sandwiches, theres always stuff in the freezer, theres always eggs etc. They can make what they want out of what we have, unless its specifically for a meal so i have them check first. Some nights ill plan a meal, then it comes to it id rather eat literally anything else than what i have made. They are even more fickle when teens. Most food we make can be saved or frozen.

Dont dramatise it, its not really an issue.

Well I might not want a meal but I’d at least be gracious if someone had taken the time effort and expense to cook a meal for me.

Sounds like this is a long running issue with OP being overly controlling with food so the DD is going to be wired to be grumpy about food.

I wouldn't have made it a battle. If she didn't eat it she didn't.

I'd have tried to get her to help make it with me but I appreciate a stroppy teen would probably flounce off.

I'd not bring tomorrow into it. Tomorrow is another day and I'd wake starting again. We need to offer stroppy behaviour due to hormones and exit route!

She's pushed you past your limit by being obstructive/rude. You're not refusing her food - it's her decision not to eat, she'll be fine. (All that said though, I was a horrible teenager myself, and often honestly didn't know how to snap out of it!)

Have you tried writing a meal plan together for the whole week - you all get to make a few requests, and everyone has an easy alternative they can make themselves when necessary (I don't mean something that needs ingredients or help to cook, I mean shop bought soup and a bagel, or a cheese toastie etc)

If you can reach agreements away from the actual mealtimes, it might help break this specific cycle?

Now THIS is great parenting of teens. Giving them responsibility to some extent but also choices. Never trying to make things (especially food) an unnecessary battle. A huge contributing factor to anorexia is making food a battle.

She regularly tells us shes moving out as soon as she can. 😪

Also, she didnt know what I was cooking. She stropped about it on principle. It could have been her favorite food in the world and she would have moaned about it.

I don’t think this is about food/dinner as you said she is also disrespectful about several other things eg. washing. Sound hard.

Wonder if you sat down and said this is how it makes me feel. What are your suggestions for how we improve. Listen and stay calm. If she has grievances and ideas to improve and everyone commits to them - great. If not there is a follow-up chat that includes consequences as speaking to your parents like that is not ok.

Is this new behaviour or a something that’s gradually got worse?

She probably wants a bit more autonomy, and sees mealtimes as a way to assert herself against you. She's fifteen, and you don't let her cook or even eat by herself?

Fifteen is close to adulthood. It's not surprising she doesn't always want to eat what and when somebody else decides she should. Most adults would find that frustrating. You've got to start thinking of her less as a child, and more as an almost-done adult. And that means respecting her choices and equipping her with the skills to do things for herself.

@Oollliivviiaa you’ve done nothing wrong, she should learn to be grateful that she has a mum who is making her something to eat and she should stop behaving like such a spoilt brat.

If she doesn’t like what is cooked then she’s more than capable of making herself toast and having that.

Stop pandering to her demands xx

You did alright. 15 yr olds are vile. It's a horrible age to be I think.

I would just say if it's not acceptable then the toaster is over there and the bread is over there if she doesn't want what was cooked, put her a plate out if she wants to reheat it and if not you've got some dinner tomorrow. You just have to ride it out

I’m not saying that it’s OK that she’s generally being vile to you btw. That sounds really hard, though remember she may well have something going on she’s not happy to share with you.

But on the food thing I really think you’re not nailing it here by telling her it’s what you cooked or nothing. I don’t agree with that at any age but at her age it’s almost a bit ridiculous.

Are you babying her a bit with the parenting maybe?

or could she have friendship troubles, boy issues, who knows?

Teens are absolute dicks when they’re worried about something…

Damn right I'd be the same. Often dc has it related the next day. Eat or go hungry. I most definitely am not spending my time shopping, prepping and cooking for it to be wasted. That's without the cost of the food.
Unless they input ' can we have xxx tomorrow or whenever ' then no take one of the 2 choices
Take it or leave it

‘I don’t want that.’

’No worries. Help yourself to toast.’

Every single time. Teenagers want to push boundaries. Don’t let food become the battleground.

Honestly it sounds as if she has watched a tiktok about how teens are supposed to behave and is just doing that I'm all for picking your battles but this isn't even worth it

What's for tea eww I hate that omg you're all starving me

My friends daughter rang childline they rushed out to the poor starving and neglected child to find the most privileged child on the planet with a house full of food whose parents had the AUDACITY to say no to a £600 prom dress the social worker said if it was their daughter there would be no blasted prom they were fuming

It's not about the food. She is spoiling for a fight. So you can try to work out what's wrong - you don't have to be right. You could let her know you are there for her by stopping fixating on the food and talk about how she might be feeling instead.

If she said she didn’t want it before you even said what it was, it seems she is REALLY wanting to assert her autonomy a bit, and the best way is honestly compromise, not battle. Or questions, rather than a telling off, can help.