What could I have done differently? 15yr old no tea

[Oollliivviiaa]

My 15yr old is being vile to me recently. Everything is my fault and some days she will barely speak to me. Yesterday she was awful to me all day. I got a half hearted apology in the evening.

She has taken to moaning about everything we give her to eat. We've asked her what she wants and within reason try to accommodate it (recognising that others have to eat it, time constraints etc). However she just says "I dunno" if we ask her so Ive started just cooking. That always end up with "ugh I dont want it". Tonight I started cooking and she demanded to know what I was cooking. She likes it but if I told her, she would have moaned and I just cant be bothered so I said "it'll be done soon, can you set the table please". She started moaning so I said "it doesnt matter what it is because you'll moan that you dont like it anyway". Not the most helpful comment I know.

Anyway she stormed off to her room because of that comment and has decided shes not going to eat tea (she still doesn't even know what it is!). Her dad went up to tell her it was done and she refused to come down. Ive gone up just to say that if she doesnt eat it, there wont be anything else until breakfast and if she doesn't eat it tonight, it will be reheated for tomorrow's tea. (It reheats well so Im not serving her anything horrible). I wasnt being confrontational or anything like that. She made a sarcastic comment so I just walked away.

She's not come down so I guess shes not having tea.

Its just All. The. Time. It is constant. I am worn out and as awful as it sounds, Im struggling to care that she hasn't had tea (she had a big dinner, she wont starve).

FYI - she refuses to help. Sometimes she wont even stay in the same room as me.

Her dad / my husband is of no use and just sits on the fence. I dont feel like he ever has my back. Yes, that's a husband problem etc etc.

So, how could I have stopped this? What could I have done differently?

Before anyone suggests it, her cooking her own food isnt an option for a myriad of reasons and would actually cause more problems than it solves. Plus, its not really relevant anyway.

I would say she feels shit and is taking it out on you as her trusted caregiver. Punishing won't help. It's not about food. Don't use it as a weapon.

She wants you to notice that she feels shit. Care. Get her onside. Let her help if she is ready. But don't enforce it. Make it a pleasurable, team like experience.

Tell her how you feel. I don't know what to make that everyone will eat. What do you think? I'm going to be run off my feet on Tuesday, can you make a macaroni cheese?

I have nice, considerate young adults. You don't need to fight them.

I don’t know what the answer is but I don’t blame you @Oollliivviiaa you’ve probably tried the nice approach many times and are sick of someone being rude to you when all you are doing is trying to help them. I think once the dust has settled I would try and have a calm conversation along those lines saying how hurt you feel when you’ve made a meal and you get a sarcastic comment about it. It’s about basic manners & of course your dd can decline food but it’s how she declines that is the issue.

Why would she need to “offer” anything? OP is not a waitress and DD is 15 - surely long old enough to make herself a slice of toast if she’s hungry.

I would have told her what it is and if she said she doesn’t like it then said she can make herself some toast later.

I woud keep an eye on things just in case she is deliberately making a thing of meals to avoid eating.

My daughter wouldn't eat at the table with us at that age. I worried it was an eating disorder tbh and sometimes would listen out for her throwing up etc.. she would eat in her room and simply wouldn't eat a meal that couldn't be eaten with fork znd in a bowl. She gradually grew out of it. Many sulky mealtimes and a huge stress in the meantime. I really would try to talk to her. Maybe go out for a meal just the w of you? If it doesn't help just back off. Don't make unnecessary conversation and only have healthy snacks in the house so she doesn't substitute meals with rubbish.

I think the dinner thing, well she won't eat then. Are there things she can eat instead. I went through a stage of eating microwave macaroni and cheese everynight and if my mu cooked rice ai would put sugar on it or not eat it. But grew out of it.
It wont harm her not eating dinner, sometimes my kids don't and I say theres fruit, toast and snacks or even a boel of cereal if they refuse dinner then they can have that if theyre hungry later.
We actually generally eat healthy meals but ai don't think a phase of eating at weird times or not eating healthily all the time is a major drama. Sometimes I dont want dinner and I eat a weirs dinner of say, a banana, three cookies, a bagel and a kiwi.

Refuse to take part in the battle. It's not a cafe, you dont get to select your meal. 1 meal is cooked, if you don't want to eat it then don't. No argument needed.

This sounds like it could be more than a problem with food and dinner choices. Maybe try and connect with her? Take some time to get to know why she’s behaving the way she is? Being a teenager is rough and the more support she has, the better.

She’s 15. Doesn’t sound like she was particularly horrible, she was just being… 15!

Sounds like you need to chill a bit and learn to pick your battles better.

let her be hungry. I wouldn’t be entertaining her shitty attitude. I draw the line at my kids being rude to me like that. People say it’s normal teen behaviour but is it? My parents wouldn’t have tolerated us speaking to them like crap and I certainly don’t. My teens wouldn’t even try it. No i’m not a perfect parent, but I won’t be spoken to like crap by my kids. She would be cooking her own dinner or going hungry.

Talk to your husband, you describe him as ‘on the fence’ and ‘not having your back’ it might be he disagrees with your approach?

Making eating food a power play is rarely a good idea. It’s a shame you can’t make her responsible for cooking a few meals a week. Then she’d get an insight into the grind that family meal prep is.

Just breathe, pick your battles and ignore the rudeness if you can.

Not about starving but her sugar levels will drop and she will have a hard time getting to sleep if she’s hungry.
Leave the food for her to have if she decides she wants it during the night.

My first thought too was the similarities with teens and toddlers. And they both can just get upset about feeling like they don't have any control.
I would find a way to give her some semblance of control over her food, get her cooking/shopping

What you did was perfect. Follow through. Don't back down

I think I'd want to just take away all the confrontation and stress from the situation.
I'd get a whiteboard and do a meal plan for the week. Ask her in advance (and anyone else in the house) in a casual way if there is anything they fancy for the week ahead. If nothing is forthcoming then I'd just put the meals up on the plan and that's what we're having. I would also make sure there was fruit, crackers, cheese, yoghurt etc in the fridge. So if DD moans about the meal on the day, I'd just give a calm and casual, OK no worries, help yourself from the fridge. And walk away.

Sounds like she's creating a war with you for some reason and this is the one thing she can war about and have some control over. She is also massively winding you up so you need to take that control back and stop her winding you up by changing your mindset about it.

Are there any deeper issues at play here? Could she have some emotional eating problems. Perhaps she is stressed at school or with friends and he stress is manifesting itself in this way.

Don't turn meal times into a battle it's not worth it Everyone eats at some point
i thinking telling her you will reheat her meal until she eats it is an awful thing to say!
Im 60 now but my Mother actually served up a roast dinner 3 times., I didn't want it the first time, let alone the third!
Take the pressure off her

I have always seen this as exercising some control and independence. I try not to feel hurt. I make supper and she takes it or leaves it. She often cooks herself, so I am not sure why your dd can’t? She has taught herself so many recipes. I think it’s good practice.

A lot of drama. My DC are younger than that, if they don't like what I've cooked, they are free to make their own dinner, that's it. At 15, she can be in charge of a few dinners and the rest of you can moan.

In theory, I think the best way of dealing with it is ignoring bad behaviour. Cook the meal, tell her it is ready. If she doesn't like it - tough - she can go hungry or make herself a sandwich.
In practice, having had similar issues with a teenage grandchild, I usually lose my temper and end up putting myself in the wrong.

You have my sympathies- and my DC has gone to bed without any supper tonight too!

They were late in for lunch (45mins) and we told them off and had a chat about being responsible. They made a fuss about doing the washing up. Went out again and at 90 minutes after the agreed time, I went out to look for them. DC1 made a sarcastic comment about how he bet I was allowed out late when I was his age, so I said I would be delighted to show him what it was like back in the day. They have gone to bed without any supper and their phones are on permanent downtime until they have written out "I shall come home on time." 100 times...

Having said that, as your issue has blown up because of food, I'd be keeping a watchful eye on her. Did she pick thst fight deliberated so she doesn't have to eat with you?

can you take her up a hot chocolate and some toast?

Leave her to it. I was queen of cutting my nose off to spite my face and of making everyone else miserable, before stomping off to my room and crying all night in my room. Everyone was against me; no one understood how difficult my life was etc, etc. My diaries were full of angst and big words.

Still waiting for karma to get me in the shape of my teens.

My eldest doesn’t always want what I’m cooking, I’ll accommodate within reason but Sometimes it’s tricky as I have to cook something everyone will eat.
I plate up the food for everyone, it’s up to them if they eat it, my youngest is the worst culprit for turning his nose up.
I just wrap it up and pop it in the fridge/freeze it. Someone will eat it at some point, so it isn’t wasted.
I always allow the children to help themselves to toast, cereal and fruit if they don’t want what’s on offer usually they’ll have toast.
I have enough battles about homework, showering and tidying of bedrooms without adding meals into the mix.
I would have covered hers and put it the fridge and not said anymore about it or gone up to her room after she had already told her Dad she wasn’t coming down.

She’s being a brat. Leave her to make her own food. She’s 15 and more than capable of sorting herself out

Yes but why did you say she can't have any if she doesn't come down? Could she not have come down later and fed herself? Was she banned from eating because she didn't do what you say. I think this escalated when it didn't need to. Tell her what's for dinner, if she reacts, just try to ignore. Pick your battles.

Are you joking
do you want to have a relationship with your children when they’re adults or not