What could I have done differently? 15yr old no tea

[Oollliivviiaa]

My 15yr old is being vile to me recently. Everything is my fault and some days she will barely speak to me. Yesterday she was awful to me all day. I got a half hearted apology in the evening.

She has taken to moaning about everything we give her to eat. We've asked her what she wants and within reason try to accommodate it (recognising that others have to eat it, time constraints etc). However she just says "I dunno" if we ask her so Ive started just cooking. That always end up with "ugh I dont want it". Tonight I started cooking and she demanded to know what I was cooking. She likes it but if I told her, she would have moaned and I just cant be bothered so I said "it'll be done soon, can you set the table please". She started moaning so I said "it doesnt matter what it is because you'll moan that you dont like it anyway". Not the most helpful comment I know.

Anyway she stormed off to her room because of that comment and has decided shes not going to eat tea (she still doesn't even know what it is!). Her dad went up to tell her it was done and she refused to come down. Ive gone up just to say that if she doesnt eat it, there wont be anything else until breakfast and if she doesn't eat it tonight, it will be reheated for tomorrow's tea. (It reheats well so Im not serving her anything horrible). I wasnt being confrontational or anything like that. She made a sarcastic comment so I just walked away.

She's not come down so I guess shes not having tea.

Its just All. The. Time. It is constant. I am worn out and as awful as it sounds, Im struggling to care that she hasn't had tea (she had a big dinner, she wont starve).

FYI - she refuses to help. Sometimes she wont even stay in the same room as me.

Her dad / my husband is of no use and just sits on the fence. I dont feel like he ever has my back. Yes, that's a husband problem etc etc.

So, how could I have stopped this? What could I have done differently?

Before anyone suggests it, her cooking her own food isnt an option for a myriad of reasons and would actually cause more problems than it solves. Plus, its not really relevant anyway.

This is how I treat toddlers, and teens in a mood are very similar to toddlers. I’d keep it low drama- this is what the food is, if they don’t want it they don’t have it. If its food they usually eat then no, they can’t just have toast instead, if it’s a bit unusual then as long as they’ve tried it they can have something else.

I regularly refuse to say what’s for tea as then there’s multiple rounds of moaning.

She is acting like a brat. You are being nice and it's thrown back in your face. However, She is obviously unhappy about something. IMHO.

What could I have done differently? 15yr old no tea

Significantly dial down the conflict and power play.

She's 15, stop telling her she can't cook her own food.

"Dinner is roast chicken today, with mash carrots, broccoli and green beans. I'll do you extra carrots because I know you don't like green beans. I'll do roast potatoes instead of mash next week, because i know you prefer roasties. Do you want some or are you making your own dinner?"

"I don't want that"

"No worries. There's chicken breasts, burgers, pizza, ready meal spaghetti bol, fish fingers in freezer. Or you can use the roast chicken im making in a wrap? Or have toast or cereal. You OK doing it yourself?"

..."Don't forget to hydrate. Orange and pineapple or blackcurrant and apple squash in the cupboard"

At 15 she can decide if she's going to eat supper or have a bowl of cereal instead. No need to tell her you're reheating it for tomorrow. She didn't know what it was so if she asked tomorrow what's for supper you could have said "lasagne" and she'd have been none the wiser that was leftovers.

Can you dial down the drama? Set up a rule and lay it out. You will ask her what she wants. If she answers you will accommodate. If she doesn't say then you will decide. In any case if she doesn't eat it you're not going to cook anything else, she can have a bowl of cereal or make herself a cheese sandwich instead. Any moaning or complaining will be ignored. Oh, and she is not allowed to say "ugh I don't want it". If she was younger I'd stick a penalty on but at her age the response to that is "that's rude" and then ignore her. The phrase she should be using instead is "no thank you" which will be respected.

The other thing you should do is get her to plan a meal and cook it for everyone once a week. Start simple so that you don't need to instruct her - there are plenty of super-easy beginner books for students, get one and she can choose something out of it, buy ingredients and cook it. Your duty as parents is to plaster a smile on your faces, say thank you and eat it, no matter how horrible it is. She will improve. And she'll appreciate your cooking much more.

OP wasn’t nice, though. She refused to tell her what she was cooking, she had a nasty dig at her and then followed her up to her room just to threaten her.

She wants to feel in control and is turning everything into a battle, which is exactly how she has brought up a child to behave like this in the first place.

I wouldn't feed into her drama tbh, in our house it's on the table and the two options are like it or lump it.

Yep. And then made herself a martyr by having a small portion so that there was plenty to reheat tomorrow and continue the battle. Guarantee that’s how DD will see it.

I don't enter in to a battle with my teens, if they don't want what I'm cooking then they're more than welcome to make themselves something (and quite often do) I'll store whatever is leftover and reheat for myself another night or whenever. They often moan about what I'm cooking, I don't take it personally, why would I?

The issue here is that you refused to tell her what it was when she asked you!

Her behaviour night after night would be annoying though. It sounds like she needs it make a list of things she likes to eat and you can try to accommodate her. At her age though she should definitely be helping with the evening meal, she even if it is just setting the table/clearing away.

Also, yeah this. Just tell her what it is and then ignore any comments she may feel the need to make.

Try and step back and reassess what matters.

For some reason, food has become a battle ground. It could potentially get even worse so it’s a good thing you’ve spotted the problem.

The best way to address this is to defuse it. She can’t have a battle if you don’t resist, so that’s the way to go. Cook every day as usual. Dish up as usual or just dish up for people at the table. If she doesn’t eat it, put it in the fridge or freezer so someone else can eat it. Don’t argue, don’t persuade, just get on with normal things.

Don’t get into battles about what she can or can’t eat.

I had an 8yr old who did exactly the same. It was infuriating. It only stopped when she was given the choice of a sandwich or the same thing as everyone else. She had a sandwich once, maybe twice. Then stopped the silliness and went back to being her normal self.

Take the struggle out of it

Before anyone suggests it, her cooking her own food isnt an option for a myriad of reasons and would actually cause more problems than it solves. Plus, its not really relevant anyway.

it is relevant because children are more likely to eat something they have prepared. I wouldn’t say that they should cook their own food but to cook for everyone. Most 15 year olds are more than capable of cooking a family meal. Don’t you plan on teaching them how to cook? Do they do any chores at all? Are you funding their phone? Do they do anything for the privilege?

This is an excellent post!

It’s not much consolation but it’s a vile age and she won’t always behave like this. Sometimes I’m surprised that nobody with an ounce of business acumen has set up a business where you can farm out your 15 year olds and get them back when they’re 19/20, all chilled out, polite and grateful.

Just try and let it wash over you. Don’t take it to heart. As long as you’re loving, supportive and consistent she will come through the other side.

So you’ve eaten less than you wanted so you can punish her tomorrow?

that’s some psychology that needs unravelling.

if this is how you fight then you’ve basically taught her stop eating to punish other people.

fwiw though I’d be worrying about an eating disorder. Being vile, finding reasons not to eat….

Why didn't she know what it was? I always tell mine what I'm cooking beforehand.

Telling her you would reheat it for her the next day wasn't great but I would have said the same thing as I hate waste.

Sometimes I’m surprised that nobody with an ounce of business acumen has set up a business where you can farm out your 15 year olds and get them back when they’re 19/20, all chilled out, polite and grateful.

They have. It's called boarding school.

Is she worried about her weight?

She just sounds like a typical 15 year old to me. It’s a horrible age. B

It sounds like she needs it make a list of things she likes to eat and you can try to accommodate her.

Or let her cook for herself and see what she asks you to buy.

My 15yo son just cooked us fathers day dinner: Honey mustard chicken breasts, lemon rice and green veg. <<preen>>

You need to stop the controlling battle at this age OP.

My children are 20 (at uni, living at home, works, often stays at boyfriends), 19 (works full time, often at girlfriends), 15 (Year 10, spends 4 evenings a week doing various sports) and 10 (Year 5). Our dinner time involves me or DH confirming:

• who is home at hone at dinner time?
• who that is at home wants dinner?
• do we have any extras for dinner?
• those not eating, do they want the meal plating and saving?
• who is cooking? (All the older 3 don't mind doing a meal, if asked)

We can then establish if we are cooking for 9 (not unusual) or 4 (equally not unusual). This decides what we are eating.

Pick your battles.

Op, ignore the references to power play and just accept that today you had enough and after initially handling a situation well things ended up going wrong because you’re human.

Get a whiteboard for your kitchen and write down what dinner is going to be on each day of the week. Tell your family that if they don’t like what you’ve decided on then they can each change one meal and it has to be done the day before you do your shopping. And of course you’ll also tell DD that if on the day she doesn’t like what’s being cooked then there’s plenty in the fridge she can make a sandwich from, as well as plenty in the cupboards she can make something else out of - soup, beans on toast for eg if you don’t want DD cooking.

We all get tired and there isn’t one person amongst us who gets it right 100 percent of the time, not that you’d think it given the majority of the replies you’ve had. 🙄

We’ve had this issue; I think after your DH went up you should have just left it. We had it where DD seemed to think that she’s punishing us by refusing to eat dinner or just picking at it and we just didn’t react as she’s clearly only punishing herself and it’s not then become an issue again. It’s the typical thing of them wanting a reaction.
More broadly I think you just need to ignore the r moaning about dinners; we’ve also had this and I always just say I’m very happy to vary our meals more but you need to make some suggestions- sometimes she has which is great and other times she hasn’t but mainly not reacting to it seems to work as often she’s just seeking an argument

The best bit of advice I read about parenting teenagers is that they want an argument so as soon as you get into one you’ve already lost; the art is putting boundaries in and not letting it become an argument

I’m surprised at many of these comments - apart from the ones saying there’s obviously something going on.

Having your child moan at you about food all the fucking time is incredibly draining and you’d have to be a saint to just ignore it as many are saying. Shopping for, prepping and cooking a healthy balanced meal every sodding day just to get it metaphorically thrown back in your face every sodding day is too much. It sounds like the OP is reasonably trying to accommodate her DD.

If I left DD to cook for herself she’d have noodles or cereal every day. Well, that’s not happening on my watch because that’s not parenting.

@Oollliivviiaa as others have said, there seems to be something else going on aside from moaning about food. I don’t know what it might be or how to go about it but her behaviour does seem very strange - I have a 15 yo as well.

When my four were teenagers (had 4 in 6 years so it was a chaotic time), I used to cook one meal. If they didn’t want it they could cook themselves something - pasta, something out the freezer, noodles etc.
We all fancy different meals at different times and I respect that.