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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum allows 36 yo brother to live at home - AIBU?

346 replies

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 07:59

My father died a few years ago, and my single older brother was given some inheritance for this, large enough for a deposit. He’s also lived at home for the past 7-8 years.

Meanwhile I am married and have a house with my husband. We bought our first house when I was 26, I am now 34. Mortgage, bills, CoL high. Trying for children.

I don’t get on with my brother, but I now feel resentful towards my mum for allowing him to live with her (and for this long) It doesn’t feel fair. My mum is constantly telling me that she’s short on money, but she also tells me that he does pay her something for staying there. I can’t help but feel it’s minimal, and he’s taking my mum for a ride. AIBU in that I think this is unfair? I also want to ask my mum how much and to help her advocate for herself but also don’t feel it’s my place. Don’t really know what I’m supposed to do here.

OP posts:
Omeara · 15/06/2025 08:00

Did you get an inheritance too?

Gloschick · 15/06/2025 08:01

Surely it's her own business. Presumably she likes having someone else around after your father passed.

Original poster
RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 08:01

Omeara · 15/06/2025 08:00

Did you get an inheritance too?

Yes.

OP posts:
Lifeisinteresting · 15/06/2025 08:01

@RowsOfFlowers it’s none of your business. Your mum can have whoever she wants live in HER house!

nahthatsnotforme · 15/06/2025 08:02

presuming you chose to get married and move out I don’t see what your problem is.

Your mum and brother are as entitled to make their own choices.

JellyMouldJnr · 15/06/2025 08:02

Do you wish you lived with your mother? It sounds like you’ve got the better life on the face of it so why the jealousy?

noworklifebalance · 15/06/2025 08:02

You got a share of inheritance.
You chose to get married, buy a house and are now trying for children. That is not your brother’s fault.
It your mum’s choice to have her son live with her if that is what he wants - nothing wrong with that.
Do you want to live with your mum?

You can divorce, sell the home and not have children then move in with your mum. Then no need to resent your brother.

Wolfpa · 15/06/2025 08:03

You could always move back in with your mum

Painrelief · 15/06/2025 08:03

Maybe she likes the company ?

Mindymomo · 15/06/2025 08:04

Do you want to move back in with your Mum. My Brother has lived all his life at parents home, 67 years, looked after my dear Dad until he died which I will forever be grateful for and still lives there.

Original poster
RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 08:04

No, I don’t want to live with her, and I am happy with my life - I don’t feel jealous.

It’s more that it affects my relationship with my mum as when she visits, she tells me she’s short on money etc, but she has a small mortgage, and my brother should be contributing to that and bills but I’ve got a sad feeling that she doesn’t ask for much and stand up for herself so I feel he’s taking advantage of her if that makes sense. I feel sorry for my mum.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 15/06/2025 08:04

Would you still want to live with your mum? It's not what most adults would choose. You are moving on with your life with your own home and starting a family.

If your mum and brother are happy with the arrangement that's all that matters really. Perhaps she needs the company. Perhaps he needs her support still.

Hopefully you also got an inheritance. It would be unfair if only he received money. However, I don't think their living arrangement is one to get jealous of or involved in.

Original poster
RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 08:05

Painrelief · 15/06/2025 08:03

Maybe she likes the company ?

Yeah I think she does, and that’s fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 08:06

Mindymomo · 15/06/2025 08:04

Do you want to move back in with your Mum. My Brother has lived all his life at parents home, 67 years, looked after my dear Dad until he died which I will forever be grateful for and still lives there.

That’s lovely. Sadly my brother is a recluse and more of a hinderance, I don’t feel like he would care for her if she needs. I feel like that’d fall on to me…

OP posts:
feelingbleh · 15/06/2025 08:06

How does him living with her effect you im struggling to understand what your annoyed at

Bingbangboo · 15/06/2025 08:07

Did your mum not inherit enough to pay off her own mortgage? Did you dad's will leave everything to you and your brother? Seems a very unusual situation where the wife is not the first beneficiary.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/06/2025 08:07

Don't have children, get divorced, sell the house and then you can ask for your old room back and spend evenings complaining how unfair it all is and that he looked at you funny again.

Original poster
RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 08:08

Bingbangboo · 15/06/2025 08:07

Did your mum not inherit enough to pay off her own mortgage? Did you dad's will leave everything to you and your brother? Seems a very unusual situation where the wife is not the first beneficiary.

Yeah she sold her house but bought a new one that was big so that my brother could live there too but I’ve a suspicion she’s taken it on and he’s not paying fairly. It affects my relationship because we can’t do much together as mum and daughter as she’s always strapped for cash. She could be living mortgage free somewhere a lot smaller.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 15/06/2025 08:08

I think you should keep out of it, they obviously have an agreement, he might be good company for you, also having enough for the deposit doesn’t mean he can pay a monthly mortgage.
He should be paying his fair share toward the home.
It is not unusual these days, my cousin lives with his DM, everyone judged 10 years ago, darling aunt has dementia 8 years now and has been able to stay at home, he is invaluable.
His 3 sisters rarely visit.

mumonthehill · 15/06/2025 08:09

You could have a very practical talk with her about wills, helping her with her finances, is she getting any benefits she may be entitled to. Other than that it is her choice and you need to respect that. Just be there if she needs you. I imagine she wants to support your DB as a mum would.

Coffeeishot · 15/06/2025 08:10

If you feel your brother is taking advantage you need to say to him, but I don't think there is anything wrong with him staying with his mum.

Original poster
RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 08:10

mumonthehill · 15/06/2025 08:09

You could have a very practical talk with her about wills, helping her with her finances, is she getting any benefits she may be entitled to. Other than that it is her choice and you need to respect that. Just be there if she needs you. I imagine she wants to support your DB as a mum would.

This is good advice, thank you. X

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 15/06/2025 08:10

This would worry me and I'd be upset that she was saying she was short of money. Maybe tell her one last time that your DB needs to pay her more.

The worry bit is that he probably will not look after her when he's older despite living there. And also what happens when she's gone?

We are going through it with my bf's relative. He's nearly 50, was worse than useless in a crisis, has no idea how to live independently and his parents are ageing.

WaltzingWaters · 15/06/2025 08:10

Assuming you both got the same inheritance, I don’t really understand the jealousy/unfairness aspect of your post. Surely you’re in the much better position and don’t want to be mid 30’s living home with mummy?
Hopefully your mum would do the same for you though if you found yourself in hard times and needed a place to stay, I understand that’s not necessarily the case for your brother and he’s just being lazy/dependent on your mum, but that’s her issue to solve if she doesn’t like it (assuming he isn’t manipulative or controlling in which she may need help advocating for herself). But if she just likes having the company at home after your father died it’s fine.

5128gap · 15/06/2025 08:11

Have you asked your mum if you can go home to live eith her and pay the same as your brother? If you have and she's refused you, yes, that's unfair.

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