Mum allows 36 yo brother to live at home - AIBU?

[RowsOfFlowers]

My father died a few years ago, and my single older brother was given some inheritance for this, large enough for a deposit. He’s also lived at home for the past 7-8 years.

Meanwhile I am married and have a house with my husband. We bought our first house when I was 26, I am now 34. Mortgage, bills, CoL high. Trying for children.

I don’t get on with my brother, but I now feel resentful towards my mum for allowing him to live with her (and for this long) It doesn’t feel fair. My mum is constantly telling me that she’s short on money, but she also tells me that he does pay her something for staying there. I can’t help but feel it’s minimal, and he’s taking my mum for a ride. AIBU in that I think this is unfair? I also want to ask my mum how much and to help her advocate for herself but also don’t feel it’s my place. Don’t really know what I’m supposed to do here.

So maybe discuss about his name going on the mortgage and him paying half but im guessing you wouldn't like that as it will mean you won't get the money from it in the future

Thing is my mum isn’t very assertive, it was my dad who was, so he would often assert on their behalf. I worry my mum is being taken advantage of when my dad would’ve prevented that. It’s a really difficult situation. I am caught between wanting to stay out of it completely, to finding out more info to help problem solve with her.

Tell her you don't want her moaning about lack of money to you if you like but other than that I'd keep my mouth shut on the situation if I was you.

If she is early 60s and in reasonable health I assume she doesn’t need caring for at the moment

Problem is, OP, you did not mention any of this in your first post - instead you talked about your brother’s inheritance, your mortgage, COL crisis and trying for children. Then that you resented your brother.

This was my first thought.

So my main priority here would be boundaries. Boundaries so you don't end up taking a disproportionate share of any care, and also so that she can't try and shift any of the responsibility of him onto you as she gets older.

Well that’s why it’s a complex situation I guess, I apologise for omitting that info from first post, wasn’t really sure where to start…

How do I do that?

No, she doesn’t right now. But it’s something I do think about for the future..

Assuming that you have a relationship with your brother - just ask him if he is paying the market rate for a lodger.
Find out how much that would likely be, before speaking with him.
If he is paying just a little less, no worries ashe is possibly mowing lawns etc..
If he is paying a lot less, challenge him to pay closer to the market rate of XXX, and to increase it every year.
Remind him that your mother needs to afford to live.

It's more about how you don't do things.

I would say it'll be harder to assert boundaries around care for her than for him. And the latter may never come to pass, but if it does, it wouldn't be the first time a mother with a son like this wants to try and ensure he's looked after once she's gone and tries to emotionally blackmail another female relative into it.

Do you think she'd be receptive of a conversation along the lines of "Mum with the cost of living we've looked at our bills and made a few savings would you like me to look at yours and see if we could do the same" or "mum I know you are coming up to pension age do you have everything in place to retire on time?" You aren't addressing the elephant in the room of your brother so making her on edge about sibling rivalry but instead coming from a place as a younger person about financial savings/stability. You might then be able to see where her outgoings are and chip slowly away at downsizing or her not struggling every month. For example if you were able to show her that her electricity payments had gone up by 15% and her water up by 10% for example that this now costs her an extra £40 a month but she hasn't had a pay rise. Therefore sowing the seed that she needs to be asking your brother for more.

I guess going from a different angle that isn't making you look spiteful (know you aren't trying to be) but more of a helpful daughter. Edited to add: I don't think she'll ever get rid of your brother. There is obviously some sort of enmeshed relationship there. However I think that if you can come from another angle to prevent elder abuse then that might help somewhat. Either until she comes to the realisation of what he is doing or she needs care that he is unwilling to provide.

Well not really.
You start by saying - DF died and DM moved to a bigger home so DB (who is single and without children) can live with her. I don’t think he pays his way, as DM says she doesn’t have enough money to meet with me. DB and I both got a share of DF inheritance and he works. I am worried he is taking advantage of her.

Your mum made a decision to buy a house (unless I misunderstood) and took on a mortgage so she needs to own this decision to be short of money. She must know her own DS and how much he will contribute.
It does make sense that if someone is home all day and the other is working that the person at home would do the cooking and cleaning - I don’t think that is odd or necessarily being taken advantage of. I would find it odd to wait for someone who is out all day working to get home so they can make dinner.

Do you think your mum is scared of your brother? If he is financially abusing her by expecting to live there, not paying his way and not helping with cooking and cleaning, would you be able to speak to him?

Next time your mum talks about being short of money, ask her what she expects you to do. There are lots of similar stories on here from posters with siblings, usually male but sometimes female, exploiting their parents' generosity and living in the family home rent and bill free and not treating their parents particularly kindly.

If your brother doesn't move out, do you think he would provide any care and support to your mum if she needs care as she ages?

Sadly we do not get on at all, we don’t talk. He was quite abusive towards me while we all lived together.

My brother lives at home and my sister also has a problem with it. "Meanwhile I am married and have a house with my husband. We bought our first house when I was 26, I am now 34. Mortgage, bills, CoL high. Trying for children." Is exactly the type of thing she would say because she feels like he's getting something from my parents that she isnt and she feels resentful about it. The truth is he is deeply depressed and living alone would be catastrophic for his mental health. It's about a lot more than money. Personally, I regularly tell them to make sure he's paying for things but other than that I stay out of it. I'm just glad they are there to keep and eye on him.

Christ, the poor woman’s got a good 20 years in her! Life expectancy for women in the U.K. is 83.

Don’t start anticipating care needs for a woman of 60 - she might seem old to you because you’re her daughter but she really, really isn’t!

@RowsOfFlowers where did DB live before moving back to live with parents?

I’m surprised that you are getting such a hard time on here. It would concern me too, for a number of reasons.

It’s one thing for an adult child to move home temporarily or even permanently with a plan. But for someone like your brother, it sounds more like a retreat from the world. And your mum doesn’t know how to say no to her boy.

have you spoken to your mum about your brother? What’s was he doing before her moved in with your mum? Hire did he do at school? Has he been to uni, got a job, ever had a girlfriend?

if your brother has undiagnosed asd or whatever, then you may need to accept that he is unlikely to lead a ‘normal’ life and that he will need support in one way or the other. But you need to talk to your mum first - otherwise you end up in a horrible situation of things going unsaid, leading to misunderstanding and resentment. Your mum might find this hard to talk about, but I can guarantee she will already be aware - she might just be trying not to face up to it all.

This is exactly what’s happening I think. I don’t visit, as I don’t like my brother at all, and I’m a bit frightened of him.

f your brother doesn't move out, do you think he would provide any care and support to your mum if she needs care as she ages?

I don’t feel confident that he would. I feel he would do the bare minimum. I worry about this frequently. If ever anything were to happen. My mum & I are very close, because we were the only females in the household and because I don’t get on with my brother. She comes to my house once or twice every week, and I’ll cook a meal for her.

@HidingBehindIt and what happens when they aren’t there to keep an eye on him, what if they have their own health concerns? Do you see it as a temporary thing or long term?

You want her to kick him out? That's weird.

My children are older teens and whilst if/when they move out I would like to help them, if they don't particularly want to I'll enjoy having them here.

Can you expand on what you mean by saying you think 'he's taking her for a ride'?

House share, but got kicked out

Obviously not, but I do wish he would support himself and my mum would encourage this instead of enabling what I’d consider somewhat leeching off from her.

How old is your Mum? Does she still work?
Next time she complains about being short offer to sit down with her and go through her income and spending. You can then reasonably ask what brother contributes.
Depending on her answers you will
see if she is totally carrying him financially or supporting him a bit or is getting a decent contribution from him but still struggling for some reason.
If it is either of the first two you could point out that he might contribute 50% of bills and any penalties she faces by him being there - only adult discount on CT etc.
If it is the last you could suggest that she gets a benefit check.
If he is on the asd spectrum is he good with numbers? If so could he help with spending spreadsheets, which might also bring home to him the reality of what he is or isn’t contributing.
Regardless of the money side she may be happier not to be alone or be someone who feels more fulfilled with someone to care for.