Mum allows 36 yo brother to live at home - AIBU?

[RowsOfFlowers]

My father died a few years ago, and my single older brother was given some inheritance for this, large enough for a deposit. He’s also lived at home for the past 7-8 years.

Meanwhile I am married and have a house with my husband. We bought our first house when I was 26, I am now 34. Mortgage, bills, CoL high. Trying for children.

I don’t get on with my brother, but I now feel resentful towards my mum for allowing him to live with her (and for this long) It doesn’t feel fair. My mum is constantly telling me that she’s short on money, but she also tells me that he does pay her something for staying there. I can’t help but feel it’s minimal, and he’s taking my mum for a ride. AIBU in that I think this is unfair? I also want to ask my mum how much and to help her advocate for herself but also don’t feel it’s my place. Don’t really know what I’m supposed to do here.

She might be wanting to protect her asset from being sold to cover care home fees.

I’m not jealous at all - I don’t wish to live with my mum and have no life.

Why comment if you’ve nothing helpful to contribute?!

I have contributed something helpful. You seem to be in denial re the points I've made:

(1) Life isn't fair. This seems to be something you've not yet grasped.
(2) Your mother's living arrangements are none of your business.
(3) Regardless of what you claim on this thread, you are jealous (or envious, if you prefer) and resentful of your brother getting what you see as an easy ride financially from living with your mother. As per your repeated statement that it is "unfair". See, point one.

@RowsOfFlowers Surely it’s not right to suggest your mother claims benefits when she’s given her wealth away? No wonder this country is bankrupt! Perhaps when she mentions money is short she’s hinting that you could repay the money she gifted to you? It sounds like she did this without thinking through the implications and now she regrets it. Otherwise I think you’d be wise to stay well out of this arrangement between your mother and brother. Intergenerational living is the norm in many societies. It can be great, instead of two lonely family members living alone, they live together and provide eachother with company. Leave them to it and concentrate on building your own life with your husband.

No, she wouldn’t expect it back from me, she did this to help set me up.

She may be entitled to carers allowance as she cares for her father.

How is your response actually helping me in any way @forensicdetective or do you just wish to stick the knife in and look down on me from a pedestal? 🤨

She’s in her early 60s and appears to be healthy, so this is unlikely.

You could try and change your attitude. All the suggestions to say this and do that - further firing up your sense of entitlement to feel agrieved and resentul about this brother you don't like very much, it is apparent - seem to miss the point that this is truly none of your business.

Your mother is an adult, not infirm, of sound mind, and she can have whoever she wants live with her.

Resenting your brother is a pointless waste of energy. Expecting arrangements to be "fair" is childish.

I would think recognising these things would be helpful.

But if you want to waste your energy and your life on being upset about things completely out of your control, go for it. I would think focusing on your own life, and on your own plans for your future would be healthier.

Do you think she is giving him money?

@forensicdetective None of us know what goes in behind closed doors in other people’s homes. OP’s mum may be being taken advantage of and manipulated by OP’s brother, which makes it very much OP’s business.

@RowsOfFlowers next time she complains about money, ask “what can I do to help?” Maybe she is looking for you to help her, same as she helped you. Maybe she doesn’t want any help from you. In that case, let her lead her life and you lead yours. Life isn’t fair but it can still be great!

Seems your mother bought the new house with your brother in mind

Seems she thinks he needs help if he has possible asd

Seems she is mentally capable adult

I think you need to try to ignore this. Your Mother sold her house and downsized to what she has by choice.

She works and appears to be of sound mind so probably just enjoys a moan to you sometimes.

Next of kin is nothing btw, your brother is equally next of kin. You need Lasting power of attorney to play that card.

She won't get CA if she works full time.

I know that - I just meant if she were to stop working. She’s getting quite burnt out the rate at which she is going. No one in my immediate family has ever claimed any kind of benefit before.

Your mum knows well what she's doing
She's supporting her men. She's trained for irny the culture

For it

I thank God I had daughters.

Exactly this. ^ I don't know why the OP posted really, as she has dismissed all responses that aren't supporting her (and telling her she's right,) as 'unhelpful' and 'useless,' and 'sticking the knife in' with the repeated comment from her towards many posters - 'why even bother contributing to my thread???'

People are entitled to their opinions, even if the OP doesn't like them. I (like many others) think it's strange to be resentful of a sibling still living with mummy. As I (and many others have said,) I couldn't think of anything worse, and have zero envy for anyone living with their parents past 29-30.

I think it’s strange @BatchCookBabe that you can’t see that there’s signs that all may not be good in the mother and son relationship. She does most of the cooking and cleaning, and even though she has a small mortgage, she is often short of money. She’s also not very assertive.

Thanks @paranoidnamechanger - and quite!
Domestic abuse can take many forms, and it can also include coercion and manipulation and be extremely subtle! Your experience and your family sound very different @BatchCookBabe I have disagreed with some replies because they are dismissive and unhelpful. Also, as previously stated, I made a mistake sharing in the AIBU section - it should be in family / relationships section. This is more about the concern I have for my mum and the annoyance and resentment I have towards my brother. Which, like many have highlighted, is valid. I would like to have a healthy relationship with my mum, where I know that she is happy and not being exploited or taken advantage of!

So, you clearly don’t understand then.

Fair enough @RowsOfFlowers I guess everyone is different and everyone's experiences are different. I apologise if I have upset you, I wish you well, and I hope you find peace and happiness.

Thank you @BatchCookBabe and you as well x

Are you absolutely sure about this ? It seems strange that she is mentioning being short of money all the time. I would ask her outright if she wants this back and if she does I would absolutely do my best to scrape it together on the condition that DB matches what you pay back pound for pound.

I absolutely am not in a position to pay it back. It went towards a deposit for the house we live in.
I know my mother, and she would absolutely not want this back. When she’s always mentioning money it’s more when I suggest things that we could do. My mum literally works (takes on extra shifts) and visits my Grandad and I and friends locally.