Mum allows 36 yo brother to live at home - AIBU?

[RowsOfFlowers]

My father died a few years ago, and my single older brother was given some inheritance for this, large enough for a deposit. He’s also lived at home for the past 7-8 years.

Meanwhile I am married and have a house with my husband. We bought our first house when I was 26, I am now 34. Mortgage, bills, CoL high. Trying for children.

I don’t get on with my brother, but I now feel resentful towards my mum for allowing him to live with her (and for this long) It doesn’t feel fair. My mum is constantly telling me that she’s short on money, but she also tells me that he does pay her something for staying there. I can’t help but feel it’s minimal, and he’s taking my mum for a ride. AIBU in that I think this is unfair? I also want to ask my mum how much and to help her advocate for herself but also don’t feel it’s my place. Don’t really know what I’m supposed to do here.

She's an adult, she's made her choice. She bought a bigger house to accommodate him - that's a definite choice. People often make decisions others disagree with but there's nothing you can do about it, other than offer to pay for activities you want to do with your mum - presumably she won't let you or you can't afford to? Though walking, chatting, going for a coffee are free/ very cheap?

I'd jsut speak to your brother and just say something like. Mum keeps saying she's short on cash, is she doing okay? Maybe he will get the hint.

This 10000%

Thank you so much for seeing it from my POV. These are all the sorts of things I worry about too.
I think he is reliant on my mother, and I still think she cares for him a lot etc but I feel it’s to his own detriment as it’s taking away core life skills and independence. He’s a recluse, no friends, has a job but just plays video games all day long. He doesn’t do any cleaning.

It’s a hard position for my mum, but I feel she needs to encourage him to stand on his own two feet for his own good. I know it’s common to live with parents still, and have other family members doing the same, but they’re saving to buy their own place.

I need to think about the future and how it’ll all pan out. I feel responsible for my mum.

This is really strange to me, personally I'd be happy to know my mum had company and wasn't lonely after losing my dad. Your mums happy with the arrangement or she wouldn't have it. It's not your job to interfere unless she asks you to or is vulnerable.

Other than speaking to her making sure financially she's getting all the benefits she is entitled to and has a will/poa/executor in place for the future, I'd keep out it.

Maybe your DM isn't good with money or budgeting. She sold a large house, downsized, did the sale profit go towards the inheritance you received or in the bank?

I understand your frustration. Your mother is complaining about being short of money when you are not in a position to help her given your own financial commitments.
If you want to support her get her to list all her outgoings and how much is coming in, including your brother's contribution. You can then establish if his contribution is fair in relation to the extra costs. Is she able to pay her bills? Does your brother do maintenance, housework, cook for them both?
You shouldn't be carrying the burden of her worries and concerns. Good luck.

She will be even shorter on money if he moves out

She’s right, it’s not your place. You’re being rather immature.

Maybe she is worried that letting him contribute to the mortgage will give him rights over the property?

However, unless she was coerced into buying it, or you are worried she lacked the mental capacity to take on the mortgage, I don't think there is anything you can do. She's an adult and it's her decision.

See, I’m worried that he is somewhat manipulative and controlling :(

btw I want to make it clear I am not posting out of jealously I do not actually want to live with my mum, I love my independence and my own home with my husband.

It’s more a combination of resentment, worry about the future, concern for my mum. People are telling me to stay out of it, which I pretty much do to be fair, but this is also my mum and I may be in the position at some point where I’ll need to care or advocate for her, so I feel it is in my interests somewhat. She is entitled to her own decisions, and I’ll respect that, but I can still feel concerned.

I think you are unreasonable to have an opinion on who your mum and brother choose to live with but I understand this is not your issue. You think your brother is taking advantage of your mum. Perhaps next time she mentions she is short of money offer to help. Something like ‘I really don’t like to hear that mum, in your circumstances you shouldn’t be struggling so much - shall we sit down together and go through your finances to identify the problem or if there are any other
options available to you? If she accepts you have your ‘in’ to see if your suspicions are correct and if so point them out. Then next time she brings it up ‘the reason you are short is because you are choosing to subsidise brother, you are choosing to be poor so I can’t help you’. If she refuses then at least you can stop the complaining next time ‘Mum i’ve offered to help you look into this to understand the issue but you turned me down. You are obviously not that bothered about it if you choose not to take steps to change it’.
Then hopefully your relationship improves because your mum is no longer complaining to you she is short of money, you don’t get frustrated and you can discuss more fun topics.

The sale money went towards her new house, inheritance was separate. (It was a small inheritance btw). I just want to make sure she’s okay, and making good decisions.

Why is it a problem? She probably likes the company and he’s happy there too. You got inheritance also so equal treatment

My mum is always complaining about money, they are not short she just likes to complain about how much things cost and how she won't pay for something etc.

Could your mum be doing this ?

Your mother is an adult, long before you even walked the earth. She doesn’t need you to feel pity or try and rescue her, she is making decisions for herself and her life.

I would be relieved personally that he is there in your place, she is much safer than she otherwise would be, and he is around for company taking the pressure off you. His life skills is not your problem op.

I would see him as security, and he is there to look out for her allowing you to enjoy your own life. Don’t get drawn into childish comparisons, no doubt she worries about him, and is proud of you op.

That’s a good suggestion, thank you 🙏
I’ll see how it goes. I obviously don’t want my mum to struggle, but I do feel a bit helpless and somewhat awkward actually when she mentions it to me as I have my own commitments, and I’m not sure how to support.

Sometimes certain adult children aren't capable of growing up, 😕 if he is recluse with no friends, could he have special needs.
I hate to throw that out on here, but most adults don't want to be an antisocial recluse unless they are unwell or unbalanced for one reason or another.
A mother knows that this child needs more help from infancy to adulthood, unfortunately the other independent children get overlooked. It is no-ones fault.
He could be just lazy too, but I doubt it.
It is hardly a great time.

No, my mum isn’t like this x

She made her choice and I feel she also likes his company so making living at home for him comfortable. They’re both adults, you got the same inheritance so no unfairness.
I have a friend whose brother has lived at home with mum all his life. He’s 40 now, got married 3 years ago and they’ll be having a baby in a few months time. He doesn’t pay anything because the mum won’t let him and she’s mortgage free , retired with good pension so he’s been able to save so much money over the years.
He just bought a house because he will be having a baby and because of all he’s saved, the house is very big with a granny annex because he still now wants his mum to stay with them for half of the week at least so she still has company, the mom is happy too because she’ll be close to her new grandchild, she wants to help them with childcare too as she’s otherwise bored. Friend is a bit jealous as she didn’t get that same help with childcare or savings but she gets it

You could just agree with her re the cost of everything and suggest your brother pays more every time she raises it.

I personally think he’s on the asd spectrum if I’m honest, but no it’s not an ideal situation. I don’t personally get on with him as he’s not very nice to me, so I tend to stay away. I’ll always try to look out for my mom. I do worry a lot about the future, but I’m trying to balance that with focusing on my own life and goals.

thanks everyone for your replies.

Just be grateful you have a life with a husband and house etc. Your poor brother is living with his mother at 36. Unless you think he is taking advantage of your mum/mistreating her, it isn't your business.

Your first post sounds very jealous that your struggling with money he's getting to live cheaply but what your not understanding is your paying for a whole house he's paying for a room in house. You say your worried about future why because you think you won't get the amount of inheritance you think you deserve. You sound like a money grabber.

Lol, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m no money grabber. That’s a very negative and quite nasty reply that I have to stand firmly against in all honesty. This has nothing to do with jealousy or inheritance battles - this is actually more to do with worrying that my mum is being taken advantage of - it’s actually a complex situation that you’ve had little to no empathy for.

I understand your frustration. It is difficult being the sibling on the outside.
There is nothing you can do unfortunately.
If he isn't paying enough, your DM needs to talk to him. 💐