Mum allows 36 yo brother to live at home - AIBU?

[RowsOfFlowers]

My father died a few years ago, and my single older brother was given some inheritance for this, large enough for a deposit. He’s also lived at home for the past 7-8 years.

Meanwhile I am married and have a house with my husband. We bought our first house when I was 26, I am now 34. Mortgage, bills, CoL high. Trying for children.

I don’t get on with my brother, but I now feel resentful towards my mum for allowing him to live with her (and for this long) It doesn’t feel fair. My mum is constantly telling me that she’s short on money, but she also tells me that he does pay her something for staying there. I can’t help but feel it’s minimal, and he’s taking my mum for a ride. AIBU in that I think this is unfair? I also want to ask my mum how much and to help her advocate for herself but also don’t feel it’s my place. Don’t really know what I’m supposed to do here.

Ok fair enough then. I would only suggest free things for the two of you to do together then if that’s going to stop the topic of money being raised.

Yeh good idea

We have had not dissimilar family dynamics in the past. You may or may not be able to have any say or control over any of this in the future. Think about getting POA etc going forward. Your mum may be coerced into bad will writing. Even if the house was left to you both, your brother might not be forced to sell / move out.

If your mum needs help your brother may refuse. In our situation our family member was forced out of the home they owned & into a care home as their child wouldn't accept any responsibility or carers coming in (don't even). At this point our family member realised the mistakes that had been made over the previous 60+ years, but it was far too late.
Sorry if this sounds dire.

Does your mum have any other pension than the state one? Do you suspect elder abuse?? You could always contact age concern to chat through your situation. But, as you can see from some of your thread responses, this situation is more common than many would think. And, unfortunately, more complicated.

Be there for your mum without prejudice, and assume she recognises her situation but is right now unable to do anything about it. Take care.

OP I understand where you're coming from as I have a sort of similar situation with my sibling who lives at home. Them living at home is not the issue but they are getting married this year and my parents will be footing the bill for an expensive wedding, which is their choice, but my mum keeps telling me it's too much and she's annoyed but won't say it to my sister. I didn't get any help with my wedding (for reasons I won't go into) so it's difficult to hear but I've started telling her not to complain to me if she plans to carry on doing it.

There was a thread once ...about parents in their 80s who had their 50 year old daughter living with them and feistily protecting the status quo in front of their other adult children because the sister has ASD and the parents felt it, its their duty to help a child whom they created. Tragic but these feelings and guilt in parents are much more common than we imagine

I agree!!

I've moved in with parents twice as an adult once with a newborn baby and I'd be appalled if my married home owning brother begrudged me getting help

1000% this.

That’s not the same sitch though is it, come on now 😂 Have you read the full thread?! I’m guessing not.

I’m not sure if it constitutes elder abuse. Is she even classed as an elder? She has capacity and she works. It’s something I’m gonna keep a close eye on. My brother bullied me when I was younger and living in the family home. He also cannot see his own daughter due to allegations of abuse against the mother.

Frankly I don't think you read the room very well. OP is not squabbling over her mums affection, just troubled in what the future holds for both her mum and indeed for herself.

Invariably it will be the daughter that picks up the care responsibilities as her mum ages or should she fall ill suddenly. An unholy mess would ensue.

Mum gently needs to be made to understand the burden she is likely requesting her justifiably worried daughter

"The mess she's bequesting her worried daughter even.."

Thanks @askmenow x

With 86% of the room believing OP is being unreasonable, I don't think it's me not reading the room very well...

There is no inevitability about OP's future responsibility regarding her mother. In fact, if her son remains living with her, it is more likely to be him picking up most of the responsibility.

@DavidsFavouriteGirl why would he be picking up most of the responsibility, he doesn’t do anything to help now. I bet if the mum needs care in the future OP will be expected to look after him as well as mum

Honestly, I can see why if someone wasn't in a relationship you would prefer not to live alone.
Some people like to but many don't.
Hence the fact that many people live with flatmates etc.

If he is contributing financially etc then mum is probably more comfortable for it to. She might well feel lonely etc living alone.

Wanting to not live alone doesn't make you a failure.

What do you mean by 'leeching of her'. You keep using these turns of phrase without actually describing what is happening.
Is he taking money off her? Expecting her to skivvy round after her?
It just living in the same house as her.

I don’t know about the money side of things…
But she has to do all the cleaning, and most of the cooking. He doesn’t do any DIY tasks or help with gardening. My mum does all of this herself. She recently just repaved part of her front garden and he didn’t help at all - again no obligation to in this instance as a one off, but it’s an example.

No, I agree with you, and I fully support mixed generations living together especially to fend off loneliness… However it is when it is not mutually beneficial and one is doing more for the other and the other could be taking advantage.

@CleverButScatty but there is a difference to living independently but with other people ie you can pay your way, cook, clean, plan your life and still living at home with mum still looking after your needs and you not paying full market rent, for example.

I want our DC to experience different places not just stay in the house they have always lived in, experience different areas etc

This…

This is what I’d encourage too. It’s just very infantilising. And given how he is, I don’t think it’s very good. Tbh I don’t really see it changing or what I can really do about it, maybe I’m just airing my frustrations. Eventually I’ll just have to accept / ignore it and focus on my own life and what is in my control.

In my experience though, generally speaking, it tends to be men that stay at home and just leech from parents, not really living independently and supporting themselves… it just makes me worry about the future and makes me feel cross.