Mum allows 36 yo brother to live at home - AIBU?

[RowsOfFlowers]

My father died a few years ago, and my single older brother was given some inheritance for this, large enough for a deposit. He’s also lived at home for the past 7-8 years.

Meanwhile I am married and have a house with my husband. We bought our first house when I was 26, I am now 34. Mortgage, bills, CoL high. Trying for children.

I don’t get on with my brother, but I now feel resentful towards my mum for allowing him to live with her (and for this long) It doesn’t feel fair. My mum is constantly telling me that she’s short on money, but she also tells me that he does pay her something for staying there. I can’t help but feel it’s minimal, and he’s taking my mum for a ride. AIBU in that I think this is unfair? I also want to ask my mum how much and to help her advocate for herself but also don’t feel it’s my place. Don’t really know what I’m supposed to do here.

It is nothing to do with you, you made your choices he made his

Is it the norm for adult dc to Inherit whilst the remaining parent is still alive?
Its not where I'm from. When one of my parents dies the other Inherits everything. Only when the last remaining parent dies do DC Inherit.
If you're really worried about your mum's finances you could have given her your share 🤷
She's a widow on a single income now and you're married in a 2 income household. Can you really not stretch to taking her out for the odd lunch or whatever it is you want to do with her? Spending time with your mum doesn't have to cost money at all.

So you have your answer - your brother is autistic and reclusive.

@CleverButScatty would you not want to encourage independence. I think I would have failed as a parent (special needs aside) if my DC didn’t feel capable of spreading their wings. And even if special needs are in the picture then would be looking at ways they could leave home eg supported living. As would want to know they could cope when I am no longer able to be there for them or dead.

I think you need to talk to her ask her if he is definitely paying his way what he pays and when as you are worried that she's short of money. If you think she's too soft then asking her is the only way you will know, .but if she says its fine or whatever you might have to leave it for now.

At this point op you are just coming across as mean spirited and unkind. No one chooses his life, where is your empathy? You have been able to find a companion, have a career and buy a house, he has nothing - only your mother. It’s very sad.

I think maybe mum is trying to ask for help, in an indirect way, by telling you about being short of money. She bought the bigger house specifically so that brother could live there too, and is struggling financially because of that decision.
Sounds like brother needs a kick up the arse tbh.

Thank you @rickyrickygrimes I feel you totally got it.

Tbh, I have spoken to her about it but she seems to feel quite powerless - on the one hand, she said she does like the company. But I worry that’s her trying to justify the possible maltreatment. My brother doesn’t talk to her very nicely. Doesn’t clean. Sits in his room all the time. He’s no sociable. Btw, he did temporarily live with my grandad, and even my grandad is concerned by his behaviour. It all gets brushed under the carpet and just generally accepted though.

I am shocked that she hasn’t tried to do more about it. When I was younger, my mum used to tell me she felt resentful of her brother having always lived at home and never moved out. He’s in his late 50s now and still lives with parents. I think it’s become normalised in our family maybe.

My brother has had gf in the past - also has a daughter he’s not allowed to see. I don’t want to give away any more info as could be quite outing, and not my place.

Im just worried about my mum.

I’d say what was fair is 50% of bills and an amount to rent a room. (400 in my area). If your DM didn’t want to charge this maybe half of that plus 50% bills

@Fitasafiddle1 maybe she has empathy for her mum, who may be struggling living with her son but possibly feels she has no choice

This is what I feel too. Ahh x

This is how I feel too.

not sure how this makes me mean spirited, unkind or money grabbing!!

Do you think your mum is scared of him ?

I’m really not sure.

I may have missed this OP, but does your brother work? Just with you saying he is reclusive I wondered where his income was coming from.
Just clarifying how much your Mum is actually subsidising him.

You don't do anything.

I'd be having little drops of rainbow conversations with brother though, in passing like. How wonderful it is that he's decided to stay at home and look after mother as she gets frail in time. Absolutely a lovely thing for him to do so I can live my life. That type of stuff.

Plant seeds.

I dont know to be honest, it's something I worry about a lot. I have suggested to him that he moves closer to me but I don't think he will. I don't know what will happen in the future.

There are obviously reasons he can’t see his child. I know you don’t want to go into them but could those impact the way he might treat your DM.

I’m not rich, and it was used so we could move house as we are trying to start a family. I work full time, and I have some health issues of my own that I’m trying to manage. The money was a very small pot that helped us to move post Covid. My brother got the same as he thought it was unfair that I got it, but now just lives with my mum anyway. If anyone should be helping her out more - it should be my brother imo.

I know that's not what the threads about but I was just wondering if he is aggressive or gets agitated your mum might be tip toeing around him.

@gamerchick OP doesn’t speak to her DB, she has no relationship with him. He is not allowed to see his DC. He is not coming across as a very nice person

I think it does happen as that’s how I felt when I lived in the family home with him. I was quite frightened of him. He talks down to my mum but I’ve never witnessed physically aggression.

I’d offer to help her look at her finances and try to get to the bottom of why she short.

I think this is realistic, thank you.

Yes, he works full time