Mum allows 36 yo brother to live at home - AIBU?

[RowsOfFlowers]

My father died a few years ago, and my single older brother was given some inheritance for this, large enough for a deposit. He’s also lived at home for the past 7-8 years.

Meanwhile I am married and have a house with my husband. We bought our first house when I was 26, I am now 34. Mortgage, bills, CoL high. Trying for children.

I don’t get on with my brother, but I now feel resentful towards my mum for allowing him to live with her (and for this long) It doesn’t feel fair. My mum is constantly telling me that she’s short on money, but she also tells me that he does pay her something for staying there. I can’t help but feel it’s minimal, and he’s taking my mum for a ride. AIBU in that I think this is unfair? I also want to ask my mum how much and to help her advocate for herself but also don’t feel it’s my place. Don’t really know what I’m supposed to do here.

So why are you talking about your mortgage and bills and the col

Did you read the OP?

Because DBro is unaffected by these while DM is struggling financially.

Were your parents still married when your dad died? If so, I would have expected the insurance to have paid off the mortgage when your dad died.

It's your mum's choice to let him live there. When she talks about being short of money, does she expect you to help her out financially? If so, she is being unreasonable. Does your mum still work or is she retired?

Because it’s hard for me, and I feel somewhat resentful if my mum is having to support my brother while complaining to me about it. It’s not jealousy.

Fair enough, it was just a thought.

So what does op want for her brothers name to go on the mortgage and pay half. All he's doing is renting a room so obviously his bills will be significantly cheaper then op

all the money was in their house, she sold it… with the view to downsize as she couldn’t afford the mortgage repayments on her own without my dad but then bought a house similar in value to house my brother, so she didn’t really end up downsizing in the end!!

She still works to pay for mortgage and bills on new house. She’s in her early 60s!

@RowsOfFlowers I think you are genuinely concerned about your mum and worried that your brother is taking advantage of her inability to stand up for herself. Unfortunately your initial post makes it sound as though you’re more concerned about who will get your mums house in the end.
you need to sit down with your mum and be straight with her. I don’t know how old she is but she will probably be unable to process the idea of needing someone to look after her and how unsuitable your brother is for this role. You have my sympathy, you’re probably right but unless your mum cooperates there’s little you can do about it.

But this is what parents do especially parents of nd kids/adults. You will understand when you have kids

If she raises the issue of being short of money, I don’t see any reason why you couldn’t say something like "I don’t know what housing and living costs Algernon pays you and it’s none of my business, but as there are two of you sharing the house you ought to discuss your money problems, and how you split all the costs, with him."

But he’s not just renting a room is he? He’s living in a 3 bedroom house with my mum while she does most of the cooking and all of the cleaning 🤦🏽‍♀️

I now feel resentful towards my mum for allowing him to live with her (and for this long) It doesn’t feel fair.

^ This is your first post - resentful, jealous and complaining it’s not fair. You bring up an irrelevant inheritance without mentioning you got the same thing.

People told you to butt out and leave them to it. So now you’ve pivoted to “I just want to make sure she’s okay, and making good decisions”

I think if you are honest with yourself it’s the former that bothers you. The swerve to say you’re just worried about your poor mum
is a more socially palatable reason to criticise the situation.

It seems to me you think your brother is ‘getting away with something’ by living at home with his mum while you got married and bought a house.

Yep, this is the kind of advice I need. Thank you!

What will happen when your DM dies or needs to go into a care home?

She may feel she has to look after him and have him live with her rather than wants to.

How many people would want their adult DC of that age living with them and not having a life of their own, and also not having your own life.

A relative on DH’s side still has their 50 year old son living with them. She still cooks for him and does his laundry. Will always make sure they are home in time, if out for the day, to cook his meal when he gets in from work or prepares something for him before going out. He is fully capable of looking after himself. His siblings who left home years ago think it is really odd. Don’t think he pays his way either

Op said mum bought a bigger house not down sized

I guess it’s hard as I suspect you feel your mother prefers him to you and is willing to do more for him than you

perhaps your mother feels that at least you have a special other person and your brother doesn’t have anyone that close ?

If your brother is neuridiverse he will have different needs to yours so living at home might suit him better, I do think you need to ask your mum about finances if you think he's not paying his way.

@RowsOfFlowers if your DM says she is short of money would it be an idea to talk about whether she needs to downsize more

This is where the problem lies for some reason you and your brother got inheritance from your dad when your mum should of kept it all to pay the mortgage, have you thought about giving the inheritance back to her

I do find it odd myself to be honest, and I do worry about the future and what happens if she needs care, or passes away 😔

If your brother works, he must be on at least minimum wage so you need to find out whether he is paying his share of the mortgage, bills, food etc. Your mum would be entitled to single occupancy Council Tax reduction if he wasn't living with her, so he also needs to pay towards it.

It depends on whether your mum likes him living there as he is company for her or whether she feels obliged to do so and doesn't feel that she can ask him to pay his fair share or ask him to leave.

This.

You both had an inheritance.

Your brother lives with your mother and keeps her company. If they are happy what business is it of yours. Be happy for them. Live your life.

Yeah, I have broached this with her. I think I may revisit the idea with her. She works so much. I get concerned, but it’s also her decision so I have to respect that

Maybe he helps her.

Maybe being there is part of the caring for her.