Mum allows 36 yo brother to live at home - AIBU?

[RowsOfFlowers]

My father died a few years ago, and my single older brother was given some inheritance for this, large enough for a deposit. He’s also lived at home for the past 7-8 years.

Meanwhile I am married and have a house with my husband. We bought our first house when I was 26, I am now 34. Mortgage, bills, CoL high. Trying for children.

I don’t get on with my brother, but I now feel resentful towards my mum for allowing him to live with her (and for this long) It doesn’t feel fair. My mum is constantly telling me that she’s short on money, but she also tells me that he does pay her something for staying there. I can’t help but feel it’s minimal, and he’s taking my mum for a ride. AIBU in that I think this is unfair? I also want to ask my mum how much and to help her advocate for herself but also don’t feel it’s my place. Don’t really know what I’m supposed to do here.

Talk to your brother, tell him he might not be aware but your mum is struggling to make ends meet and she probably won't ask him, because he is her son, but perhaps he could offer to help out financially a bit more. It's difficult because you don't know their financial arrangements and he may reply that he gives her a good proportion of his wages already.

I assume he is working and has a reasonable income.

We do not have a relationship

I totally understand where you’re coming from.
He’s being subsidised while your DM struggles for money, and you’re having to watch the pennies/live as an adult.
However, it’s ultimately her decision. Maybe she likes having him there for company?

I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time OP. I totally get it. @rickyrickygrimes post was very good.

Your mum should be planning for her retirement. It does seem strange that your dad’s early death didn’t set her up better financially. Was there not a pension? A death in service payment? And taking on more mortgage debt in late middle age doesn’t seem like a particularly wise decision.

Can you sit down and have a conversation about finances and making a future plan that will allow her to retire? Or point her towards some good independent advice?

Then nothing you can do unless you can give your mother a bit of money out of your income or inheritance.

yeah that’s good thinking, not sure where I’d point her to in terms of advice, but I’ll mention benefits. Already discussed carers allowance as she cares for my Grabdad.

Btw this is not an uncommon situation. I can think of at least three similar situations in my family / friendship groups where a son (always a man) has moved back in with parents after ‘failing to launch’ - or never left in the first place - and basically never left. All three have either asd or learning difficulties.

in one case, the son lived with his parents until they died, then he had to move out when the house was sold. It was very stressful, he was in his 60s by then and had very little understanding of the realities of life, and his siblings had to do everything for him - while receiving a torrent of abuse and ingratitude

in another, the boy made it to uni but was so badly bullied he dropped out and came home. That was 12 years ago, he’s 30 now and has never worked. He pursues his sports hobby obsessively. His parents are wealthy, big house, devoted SAHM, and they have left money in trust to buy him a flat and give him an income when they die. His sisters are responsible for administration of the trust. My friend (his mum) is certain that he, his dad and one of his sisters are nd but none of then diagnosed. They have money to throw at the problems and an absolutely dedicated mother who has sacrificed her whole life to her family.

in the last, one son and three daughters. Boy either ld or add, undiagnosed and never left home, he stayed with his mammy. He really has no idea how to live independently. He has stolen money from her, and is pretty unpleasant to be around. His sisters are well aware that they are expected to carry on looking after him once their mother dies. He was never encouraged to try any kind of supported living, education or training etc - just kept home and ‘safe’ by his mum. He’s in his late 40s now.

I need that for my own future sadly. My DH and I have spoken about downsizing if I’m unable to have children.

btw I want to make it clear I am not posting out of jealously I do not actually want to live with my mum, I love my independence and my own home with my husband.

I was always told that there are two forms of jealously - 1. wanting what someone else has and 2. just not wanting them to have it. Sounds like you're experiencing the latter, you don't want to live with your mum you just don't want your brother to either. Your original post said nothing about being concerned for your mum, it was all about you feeling resentful that he was allowed to live there and how unfair it was. If it was genuinely out of concern for your mum, you would have said so. It was only when another poster suggested this, that you took the idea and ran with it.
You don't need do anything, unless you have evidene of abuse instead of parental favouritsm. It might not even be favouritism,it sounds like he has his own challenges and your mum is trying to deal with these as best as she can.

OP I know where your coming from my B lived with my parents until 34 but with my nephew as well who he has custody of. He royally took the biscuit paid less then £100 a month (and often didn't even give this), my parents had the cost of everything and their GC (as well as doing bulk of looking after). He would spend CB on cigarettes.

I had many many conversations with them about how it wouldn't help real world long term.
In the end he did move out eventually but continued to sponge off them financially. It was hard to watch them put themselves last not doing what they wanted because there was always a bill, crisis etc.

It took my mum probably about 10 years to say no and only once she started with counselling and for her to understand boundaries.

That would be my suggestion to speak to your mum and see I'd she would be open to counselling etc and if you can afford it for her.

Our relationship has vastly improved. My B blames me for "getting him cut off" reality is he's had tens of thousands of pounds she has just stopped repeating the same cycle.

These something not adding up with the finances here. Your dad died and there appears to have been enough money to give you and your DB an inheritance (enough for a house deposit according to you). Yet your mum still has a mortgage on a 3 bed house. Why did you and your brother get money when your mum has been left short. When my dad died everything went to my mum. You said your mum had bought a 3 bed house so it's not like she's bought a palace. Why did your dad not provide properly for her in his will? The alternative is he died intestate, she got everything but has given you and your DB money leaving herself short. Either way OP I sympathise but your mum is an adult who can make decisions you don't agree with. You are not responsible for her.

Is there a backstory?? Always wish my mum and brother the best and if they're happy together what's the problem ?

Ok so your mum has really bad judgement and is babying her son rather than being pragmatic about her needs
I’m not sure what you can do in this situation. She literally bought a house to house him

This is what is happening with my brother I think - he’s being sheltered by my mum. I think it’s understandable that I feel resentful as I have to face the stresses, and realities of life while he essentially sits at home playing computer games and being passive aggressive and condescending to everyone - but I guess you could argue that’s none of my business and my mum’s prerogative.

I do think I need to discuss wills and things for the future - not out of being grabby - but sensible planning. That’s just how my mind works. My DH & I are going to have a will apppointment now we are both married.

I’m really surprised by a lot of the responses on this. I have a very similar situation with my brother, who moved in with my parents for a month five years ago and shows no signs of moving out. When my parents talk about the situation, they sound scared to raise anything with him. It upsets and frustrates me, has 100% impacted the relationship between them and me and more importantly them and my kids, because we basically barely see or speak to them. Evidently it’s difficult to understand the dynamic and impact of this kind of situation unless you are living it. I don’t have any advice, but just wanted to say I understand x

Exactly … 😕 but it’s effecting my relationship with my mum now as I feel resentful and angry towards her. Idk. It’s a tough one. I go through phases where I don’t want to see her. And when I do see her, we just act as if nothing is happening and I feel disconnected to everything happening within her house/immediate family.

Thank you @Cycleaway
It can often feel it’s only me living this reality on my own, but it helps to know there are others out there who understand. X

Hello OP, like others I found that your replies really changed your story from my point of view, I can see that this is a really difficult situation and I wonder whether now or in future you could start a new thread perhaps also not in AIBU but either in Relationships or Elderly Parents.

I think you are right to have some concerns but it is the future that you need to worry about most. At the moment your Mum is working and she comes to see you, so she gets quite a bit of time out of the house and has other people that she sees away from home. Your relationship with DB has broken down and you have dislike him, but there are many reasons for this. I think you need to be careful to keep the lines of communication with your Mum open although I agree with putting a stop to you being on the end of a lot of complaining which makes you worried but otherwise has no practical results other than DM being able to vent.

In the longer run, I think the answer to this could be to encourage DM to move into a smaller place in a retirement community/housing for older people only. If I was in your shoes, I’d even steel myself to see her giving some further money at that point to DB. These places tend to have a warden, an alarm system and at the minimum people act as good neighbours to each other. It could be somewhere near you.

The argument which is a good one anyway that you could make to DM is that it is a good idea to move to such a place and settle well before you are dependent on others for support. If you don’t need support, you just get on with it, you are still living in a friendly neighbourly place with others around who will look out for you.

Its her family and if she thinks her brother is acting inappropriate it is her business.

Yeah but he wasn't acting inappropriately until everyone didn't agree with op then suddenly he was

Hello @Chiconbelge
That’s a good idea to post on those forums. Thank you. I’ve also considered seeing a counsellor or a family counsellor or something.

My mum is far away from requiring supported living or a retirement village. As I have grown up, I always envisaged my mum coming to live with us in a granny annexe type set up as my mum and I are close and I could help with her care.

I don’t really know what that means for brother !!

I would have expected him to be supporting himself by now at least in a flat or something. I feel my mum / parents have done him a grave disservice and he’s lost and continues to lose valuable life skills and an ability to be self sufficient.

@Moonlightexpress both my parents (brother is 35 and still lives at home), and my-inlaws who have just off their own back moved to be closer to us (82 years of age husband an only child) would disagree with you on this.

@feelingbleh I don’t feel you’re actually contributing anything helpful to this discussion other than trying to derail and be negative towards me. Can you explain this?

You've completely changed your story throughout posting you started of by saying your jealous because your struggling with money and your brother is getting to live cheaply and your worried your mum supporting him will effect your inheritance. When everyone disagreed with you youre now saying your brother is abusing your mum.

@RowsOfFlowers my 35 year old brother lives at home. They're both adults live your life and let them live theirs. If you’re mum is compus mentis, which from all accounts she is a functioning adult, you're the one being unreasonable. Focus on your own life. You'll be happier for it.