Would you pull out of being a bridesmaid or shall I still go through with it?

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I’m feeling a bit emotional at the moment so before I make a decision I wanted to know what others would do.

I have been friends with the bride since primary school, we have a lot of history. She was my bridesmaid 5 years ago.

We were extremely close until about 3 years ago, just after my first child was born. I can’t really pinpoint a problem or time that we started to distance. Weekly texts became monthly, and I felt like I did 80% of the check in’s. Looking back on our messages, neither of us did anything wrong. I hardly spoke about my child with her and I tried to arrange child free meet up’s with her. I can’t imagine it being because I had a child - she was always quite anti having children until recently.

I personally feel that we just drifted, she made new friends and they met more often and I got forgotten about (it happens? Although sad)

To my surprise she asked me to be her bridesmaid for her wedding coming up at the end of this month. Literally less than 3 weeks away now. I said yes, and thought it might rekindle our old close friendship again.

Anyway, we’ve met up since with the other bridemaids and it’s been a lovely time when we meet but I almost feel a bit like I can feel their friendships are closer than ours. The hen do was a great time but a clear feeling of who she was closer too. I’ve tried to message offering help with the wedding, ask about her make up or flowers etc but I usually just get ignored. Our messages are quite generic - almost like you’re talking to an acquaintance. Sometimes she will reply asking how me and the kids are but then ignore me after, I feel like she doesn’t really care.

It’s now 20 days until the wedding and I’m starting to get itchy feet about turning up as her bridemaid. Part of me feels we’re no longer close but at the same time, the bride hasn’t been nasty or mean. Do I just show up on the day and then fade things out? I’ve already brought my dress, paid the make up artist and hair stylist.

I was talking to my brother and DH about this yesterday, brother says “long her off” but DH says it’s 3 weeks away, turn up like she did for me and then fizzle it out.

I agree with your husband. Don't let her down this late on, she hasn't done anything to deserve that. Presumably your husband and child will attend the wedding, too?

Some friendships wax and wane like this. I drifted from my closest friend for a few years when her child was young but we then started seeing each other more often when I moved closer to her and had children.

I think that now you've agreed to be her BM, it would be extremely childish not to turn up because you're feeling jealous of her other friendships. You say she hasn't said or done anything unkind to you, you've just drifted apart so to dramatically resign from being her BM or to just not turn up sounds really unnecessary. What would you be hoping to achieve? You say you enjoyed the hen do and the meets ups with the other bridesmaids, so go and enjoy the wedding and then it you want to let the friendship drift again afterwards you're free to do so I suppose, but I'm honestly not sure what it is you want from her. Not every friendship has to involve being in constant contact and living in each other's pockets.

I agree with your DH.

Of course you can’t pull out now. That would be an awful thing to do.

I feel she has asked me to be her bridemaid becuase she was mine. I don’t feel like she has any interest in my life, ignores most of my messages.

Your comment about living in each others pockets - you don’t know me IRL and I’m not the sort of person that expects weekly messages. My reasoning is because when I ask about wedding plans or how she is or anything - she doesn’t seem to want to talk to me. But the other bridemaids know much more than me.

She has no real interest in me or my life anymore, and it is very clear.

Were all the bridesmaids asked.at the same time?
I'd be suspicious that she asked you because someone else dropped out
Seeing as you've spent money (which she is cheeky to ask of you!hope, hopefully it wasn't loads!) You.might as well go and then just let.it fade

Thank you. I feel quite sad that our friendship has drifted, there’s been no fall outs and it’s not either of our faults.

I try to make the effort but find myself getting nothing back. I thought her asking me to be bridemaid was the olive branch I was hoping for,

Get the day over and then allow it to drift.

Ypu can’t pull out now.

Have you said to her “I don’t feel as close to you anymore”? You can’t pull out without a conversation first.

We were all asked at the same time

Yes it totals about £200 which is a lot to me but I guess not to some

That is what my DH says, turn up for your friend and enjoy the day then you can maybe have a conversation (after the wedding and honeymoon) or let it fade out

I would go through with it since you already got everything planned out and paid for. She probably felt obliged to have you as a BM as you had her. Don't need to make any big decisions about your friendship either. If she continues to not keep in touch it has self died.

I think this is a bit harsh!

I think the bride is weird for asking someone to be their bridesmaid who they don't have a relationship with or seem.to care about

Yes I’ve mentioned it’s a shame we don’t talk or meet up as much - it’s usually met with let’s meet soon! And nothing comes of it. I guess we haven’t had a serious chat though

Thank you for understanding. My other friends know I’m quite a laid back person, I’m not the sort to expect constant meet ups.

Pulling out now would be nasty.

As others have said, just see your commitment through and pull away after that.

I agree with your husband. You can't pull out this close to the wedding. You shouldn't have agreed to be a bridesmaid in the first place if this was how you felt- you should have thanked her for the offer but declined and explained why.

Friendships change and sadly seem fade. I wouldn't skip the wedding and I wouldn't cut her off. She's more of an acquaintance now it seems and I'd just accept that's were the friendship has went. No need for any drama. I've friendships that have went this way and it's disappointing but unavoidable

Since she hasn’t done anything wrong (other than you no longer being no1 bestie) it would be really awful for you to pull out now and makes it more about you than her. Don’t be selfish. Don’t make a drama out of nothing. Crack on and enjoy the day and see what happens afterwards.

OP - you sound strangely needy here.

It is normal for people to evolve, and so do friendships, especially the ones where you have known each other for years. I have a few really long term friends - and how we communicate has changed over time, because our lives and life circumstances have changed. And of course - I'd invite them to my most important life events. And at such events - there will be also my "new friends" that I have made throughout life - and with whom I may be communicating more often, or in a different pattern, and they may know more about my life now, or my plans. BUT that does not mean that I care less about my "older" friends.

Stop making it about you. You can not pull out of being a BM with 3 weeks to go to a wedding. It is ridiculous.

Thank you. I think you are right. I accepted to be a bridemaid when I was shocked I was asked. I should of had a conversation with her then.

I guess I was just honoured she asked me as we hadn’t met much in the past couple of years. I thought that there was still a friendship there and thought of all the fun wedding events and conversations we would have about flowers, hen does and emotional chats about “remember when you first met”

None of that really happened.

Neither of us are in the wrong and I know friendships drift. It is really hard when you try to be the one to mend, if the other person isn’t putting in effort you feel like it’s time to give up

OP wasn't forced to agree. Agree with pp it would be terrible of you to pull out now!

Why do people that don’t know me in real life think I’m needy. What makes you think that’s fine to say to a stranger?

I am one of those people who are happy to meet up with close friends a few times a year, we’re all busy and have our own lives.

To ask someone to be bridemaid and exclude them from bridemaid talk, wedding talk, not seem to care about their existence but expect them to spend £200 on hair make up dress plus hen do and not even reply to messages or take an interest is a bit weird.

Hey ho, after reading some replies i think it would be harsh to pull out now. I will show on the day with a smile on my face and remember how long we have been friends and the good days we had together. Then I’ll fade into the distance .

Yeah I think I was wrong for this - I should have spoken to the bride in the first place

The friendship is over, you probably won't hear from her anymore once the wedding is done.
I completely understand why you feel uncomfortable.
Pull out, she'll get over it, I'd offer to reimburse any expenses and wish her well.
She hasn't shown any interest other than saving face.

I think at this stage you'd be letting her down a bit if you pulled out, especially as she hasn't particularly done anything wrong. She thinks enough of you to make you her bridesmaid, and you've got the dress etc - I'd just try to go through with it, smile, be happy for her, enjoy the day.
As for fading her out afterwards, maybe give things time to settle after the wedding and then see how you feel. Friendships do shift and change - it may be that you can change your expectations of her without overthinking it or needing to discard her entirely.

Another one siding with DH. Go, enjoy the day and let ithe friendship pale off.

Please don't pull out this close to the wedding, it would definitely be the end of your friendship for good, which would be so sad when you've been friends for so long.
I have gone through this many times where you drift in and out of friendships when each of you are going through different stages of your life, I imagine you may become close again in the future. My "best friend" who I've known since primary school (30 years ago) is my absolute rock and we would be lost without each other however we have been friends to varying degrees over that 30 years from talking daily and meeting weekly to literally not seeing or speaking to each other from one year to the next. We've at several points gone through what you're describing where we haven't really felt much connection and we've had other friends we're closer to, no one's fault just life but I'm so grateful we didn't ever take it to heart and do anything which ended the friendship.