Would you pull out of being a bridesmaid or shall I still go through with it?

[Highlighter37]

I’m feeling a bit emotional at the moment so before I make a decision I wanted to know what others would do.

I have been friends with the bride since primary school, we have a lot of history. She was my bridesmaid 5 years ago.

We were extremely close until about 3 years ago, just after my first child was born. I can’t really pinpoint a problem or time that we started to distance. Weekly texts became monthly, and I felt like I did 80% of the check in’s. Looking back on our messages, neither of us did anything wrong. I hardly spoke about my child with her and I tried to arrange child free meet up’s with her. I can’t imagine it being because I had a child - she was always quite anti having children until recently.

I personally feel that we just drifted, she made new friends and they met more often and I got forgotten about (it happens? Although sad)

To my surprise she asked me to be her bridesmaid for her wedding coming up at the end of this month. Literally less than 3 weeks away now. I said yes, and thought it might rekindle our old close friendship again.

Anyway, we’ve met up since with the other bridemaids and it’s been a lovely time when we meet but I almost feel a bit like I can feel their friendships are closer than ours. The hen do was a great time but a clear feeling of who she was closer too. I’ve tried to message offering help with the wedding, ask about her make up or flowers etc but I usually just get ignored. Our messages are quite generic - almost like you’re talking to an acquaintance. Sometimes she will reply asking how me and the kids are but then ignore me after, I feel like she doesn’t really care.

It’s now 20 days until the wedding and I’m starting to get itchy feet about turning up as her bridemaid. Part of me feels we’re no longer close but at the same time, the bride hasn’t been nasty or mean. Do I just show up on the day and then fade things out? I’ve already brought my dress, paid the make up artist and hair stylist.

I was talking to my brother and DH about this yesterday, brother says “long her off” but DH says it’s 3 weeks away, turn up like she did for me and then fizzle it out.

Yes I would carry on for now and either fade it out or talk to her afterwards. She’s not specifically done anything wrong so I don’t think dropping out so close would be fair, though I understand why it might feel a bit awkward being a bridesmaid when you don’t feel so close anymore.

You should have said no initially but you can’t back out now. It sounds like someone else backed out and you’re the replacement. Why did you have to pay for everything? Most brides pay for the dress and hair.

I was thinking that. It sounds like the bride has been a bit thoughtless, but at thexsame time, managing expectations/ dynamics as the bride in this situation can be really hard.

How many years ago was your wedding? This is pretty typical when someone in a friend group marries and has children much earlier than the others. They aren’t in the same place in life and don’t want to be a part of that domestic family scene yet, so the friendship drifts. A lot of times they reconnect as the others get married and start families down the line but it’s up to you if you want that.

Enjoy yourself at the wedding and then sit back and see what happens. She obviously wants you there or she wouldn’t have asked you to be a bridesmaid.

OP do you think the distance could be something that’s happened subconsciously by both of you thinking your lives have gone in separate directions? If so it’s totally resolvable. If you two love being friends; then you both need to let go of the ‘have babies then you’ll know who you’re real friends are’ stigma. I think it really messes with people’s heads and makes them subconsciously expect to lose friends after having children and you almost make it happen because you think it will happen. So your reservation as to how close you are in comparison to her new friends is probably hindering you more and you’re feeling more pushed away.

? Where does the OP say it was a late invite? The only thing she said is that all the bridesmaids were asked at the same time, which suggests she wasnt a replacement. She was an original option, agreed and is now saying she doesnt want to go. It's the OP who has left it late, not the bride.

I think you’ll always feel bad if you pull out now. It will stay as a chip on your shoulder.

Your husband is totally right. Turn up, enjoy the day with him and your child, say all the right things to bride, follow up a few weeks later with a “wasn’t it a fantastic day” type message and then let her take the lead on contacting you.

You’ve the done all the legwork expected and, if communication haults, at least you know you did the right thing. It also leaves the door open should your friendship resume at any stage.

I had a strange ending to a best friend situation years ago and it haunted me for years. I always felt uneasy about how it had gone down. Much better to stay mature and do things kindly imo.

Turn up and see after. If it fizzles, it fizzles.

Backing out now would be petty. You've said you'll do it. Do what you said.

@Highlighter37 friendships wax and wane over a lifetime. My best friend and I were very close aged 15 to about 23. She married young and had children young. I didn't. We were out of step in life stages for a couple of decades with little common ground. It was she who phoned me though on the day ds was due.

We've stayed in touch at touch points. We are both entering retirement now and have come back closer again. We have a history and much that can remain unsaid.

I think you shoukd just get on with it. Some We get close to flit in and out, some endure. You don't know yet. Don't burn the bridge.

I pulled out of being a bridesmaid once but it was months bethe wedding. I felt bad about it but I felt our friendship had run its course. We dont speak anymore but are civil of we bump in to each other.

I would put a smile on for the day and try to enjoy it. It’s just a day out of your life.

If you feel it can be resolved and you actually want it resolved then have the conversation with her …some time after the wedding. She may turn to you more once she is pregnant.

If you can’t really be bothered too much about it then let it naturally fade.

don't not turn up & make her wedding about your drama rather than her day. Let her have her day & then ease out of the friendship if you decide that's what you would prefer

Thank you for all your comments.

I have made my decision and I’m definitely going to turn up. I’m sure it’ll be a wonderful day - lots of fun, booze and dancing.

I just wanted to clear something up… I acknowledge now that pulling out 20 days before the wedding I’ve known about for 7 months now is rude and unfair.

The thing is, I’ve spent the last 2/3 years making 90% of the effort. I’ve seen my best friend who said she’d be the best aunt to my kids not bother about their existence. Someone that was a huge part of my life, felt like I got left behind. I assumed being bridemaid things would be different. Most of our convos are about me paying for x y or z. She can ignore a catch up message but reply 2 weeks later asking for payment for make up. I was the only bridemaid who wasn’t asked to be at the dress try on, everyone knew what she was wearing before I did. I felt left out, but then paying for a hen do and events or a dress for someone who didn’t even ask how I was or what I had been up too.

She isn’t a malicious person, she hasn’t been nasty. I said yes, and I should have had a conversation a little while ago with her about my concerns. To pull out now would be unfair.

I no longer can keep getting hurt, getting no effort back. For my sake I’ve decided to step back. I will ask her how the honeymoon goes but after that I will wait for her to check in first.

I checked in a couple of weeks ago, no reply. Today it just got to me. Especially when you see her out and about with others on social media. It’s clear that the friendship is one sided.

This is very true, and beautifully put.

That sounds very wise.

I try to match what I get, energy wise, plus perhaps a little extra.

It's sad, when a friendship ends. It's nearly more difficult than a romantic breakup, as normally it's just a drift and fade rather than a big blowout.

She obviously had some nostalgia for your previously close friendship and that is why she asked you to be bridesmaid. Or, she noticed at her friend's weddings that they all had a friend from their younger days as a bridesmaid, and she thought it might look weird if she only asked more recent friends to be bridesmaids. Either way, it is done now and it is too late to pull out.

Some old friends disappear forever, some friendships wax and wane. I'd text her the day after the wedding and wish her well on her honeymoon, and leave it at that. Maybe she'll make more of an effort to keep the friendship going if you aren't throwing her the lifeline all the time. Maybe you won't hear from her for a couple of years before she tries to rekindle things. Maybe you'll never hear from her again. That's all okay. Though if she's tries to rekindle and then drops you again, I'd be wary about meeting up again after that. You can't be wasting your precious time meeting with someone who only lets you into their life on occasion.

Very fair decision OP. Hoping you enjoy the day anyway and wishing you all the best going forward - with or without her!

This is might be true you have grown apart and maybe you are BM for nostalgic reasons, but why would you want to upset her on her wedding day?

As others have said, you can't pull out now.

Whatever her reasons for asking you, you accepted. Go through the day, be happy for her, and maybe have a conversation a month or two after the wedding about your friendship.

I would feel really uncomfortable about this. It seems the general consensus is that doing anything about it would make you a terrible person. I just hope you’re not made to feel like a spare part on the day after all that money and effort.

I have just seen your update sorry I should have read on,

Going through it for face sake is fine you are doing a good thing, I'm sorry your friendship has dwindled like this, it really hurts but go.have a good time relay childhood stories and maybe your friendship will pick up again.

Are you in the US? British brides buy all the bridesmaids’ paraphernalia including shoes

I’m going against the grain and side with your brother: tell her now that you’re pulling out and I would be truthful about the reason. Your friendship is already very different from what it was and the closeness is no longer there. You’d feel worse on the day, knowing you’re on the outside of the in-jokes and whatnot.

Another poster may be right that someone else dropped out: she’d hardly tell you, would she? What you’ve spent is a sunk cost so I’d write it off and move on. If the dress is dyeable, dye it or have it altered to a cocktail dress

Good 🍀

It's all about you you you

I wouldn't go if I were you, your feelings will be written all over your face and in your attitude.

but to save face ( yours not hers ) I wouldn't tell her in advance, I would become very very sick - unable to travel type of sick unable to go more than 2 mins away from the nearest toilet unable to feel like spreading this ' sickness ' around the wedding type sick

she doesn't need you, she does have other bridesmaids.

sell the dress on ebay or vinted etc

then just let the ' friendship ' fade

Sorry your comment made me laugh, I also think pulling out on the day pretending to be sick is very bad advice! Appreciate your comment though

I feel for you, OP. I recently had a friend of 15 years fade away from me and it's hurtful and confusing when long-term friendships change or end. We went from being in touch almost daily, to her disappearing for weeks (and sometimes months) at a time. (I posted about it here and was accused of being needy, which seems to be a common assumption for anyone whose friendship has faded.) Like you, I realized that it had gotten to the point where I was the one always reaching out, often having to reach out multiple times for one response, and that when we did talk, my friend never asked about my life or cared to hear about anymore either.

After about a year of this behavior, she sent me this really expensive Christmas gift. I was completely shocked and confused and sort of wished she hadn't. It didn't align with her behavior or the state of our friendship. I thanked her and gave her one in turn. I thought maybe this meant things would be back to normal, sort of how you imagined how things would be as a bridesmaid. But she was still distant, even more so, and within two months of Christmas, she disappeared for good.

It would stir up a lot of drama if you pulled out of the wedding now. It's one day, you've committed. Go through with the duty and then maybe drop the rope. In the end, you can at least know that you were always a good friend to her.