Would you pull out of being a bridesmaid or shall I still go through with it?

[Highlighter37]

I’m feeling a bit emotional at the moment so before I make a decision I wanted to know what others would do.

I have been friends with the bride since primary school, we have a lot of history. She was my bridesmaid 5 years ago.

We were extremely close until about 3 years ago, just after my first child was born. I can’t really pinpoint a problem or time that we started to distance. Weekly texts became monthly, and I felt like I did 80% of the check in’s. Looking back on our messages, neither of us did anything wrong. I hardly spoke about my child with her and I tried to arrange child free meet up’s with her. I can’t imagine it being because I had a child - she was always quite anti having children until recently.

I personally feel that we just drifted, she made new friends and they met more often and I got forgotten about (it happens? Although sad)

To my surprise she asked me to be her bridesmaid for her wedding coming up at the end of this month. Literally less than 3 weeks away now. I said yes, and thought it might rekindle our old close friendship again.

Anyway, we’ve met up since with the other bridemaids and it’s been a lovely time when we meet but I almost feel a bit like I can feel their friendships are closer than ours. The hen do was a great time but a clear feeling of who she was closer too. I’ve tried to message offering help with the wedding, ask about her make up or flowers etc but I usually just get ignored. Our messages are quite generic - almost like you’re talking to an acquaintance. Sometimes she will reply asking how me and the kids are but then ignore me after, I feel like she doesn’t really care.

It’s now 20 days until the wedding and I’m starting to get itchy feet about turning up as her bridemaid. Part of me feels we’re no longer close but at the same time, the bride hasn’t been nasty or mean. Do I just show up on the day and then fade things out? I’ve already brought my dress, paid the make up artist and hair stylist.

I was talking to my brother and DH about this yesterday, brother says “long her off” but DH says it’s 3 weeks away, turn up like she did for me and then fizzle it out.

But what I don’t understand is what you think she’s done ‘wrong’. You say ‘two wrongs don’t make a right’ — but what is her ‘wrong’?

I'm probably twice your age.
Go as bridesmaid to honour your friendship.
My oldest friends are my closest ones. We barely managed to stay in touch across our child rearingyears. Now in our 50s we meet 4 times a year, and cherish our shared roots.
Do the wedding, keep in touch.

Honestly, I hate weddings so I'm not going to lie, I may have some bias, but I'd be pulling out. I wouldn't be making a huge effort for someone who makes no effort for me. It won't 'ruin her day' to have one less bridesmaid, but even if it did, she only has herself to blame. She needs to learn the phrase 'treat others how you wish to be treated'.

I have a bff from pre school and I could go decades without seeing her - but I would want her as my bridesmaid.
Don't let your friend down because you are jealous she made new friends.

On the face of it she hasn’t been nasty or rude. She hasn’t said anything mean to me.

But she ignores pretty much every time I reach out, has excluded me from things, I’ve paid for everything bridesmaid related, she takes no interest in my life. I just think don’t ask someone to be a bridesmaid if you’ve got no real interest, I think that’s what she’s done “wrong”

I should have said something sooner though.

Mumsnet is batshit

It's not 'needy' to expect someone who classes you as a close enough friend to ask you as a bridesmaid to -

• have met your kids (ever)
• want to meet up
• not ignore the occasional message that you send them
• seem in general like they take some sort of interest in your life

And its not unreasonable to think that if someone hasn't been that close to you, inviting them to celebrate with you as part of the wedding party, perhaps has some sort of interest in being close again

@Highlighter37 i also agree with dh.

I agree with this. In my 40s my best friend is the same woman I was closest to in my twenties - but we definitely had periods in our thirties where it was really normal to go months without talking - we had children 5 years apart and our lives were completely different for about 8 years.

I love her. She knows me better than anyone - and I’m so so glad that neither of us got offended or upset by the distance - and that we picked up where we left off when the stages of life re-aligned

Honestly I was quite chill about an hour ago but the comments I’ve had recently have really got to me to be honest, I have made so much effort, like I genuinely am so upset our friendship has got to this stage, it’s so hard making all the effort and wishing for some change. I have so much love for her.

I know in my heart I’m kind and helpful, I don’t like to upset anyone, I am in no way selfish or needy.

go and have a great time! Don’t overthink it.

Yes it would have been lovely to rekindle that old friendship and you sound like a really nice lady.

But go along anyway and dance, have a glass of bubbly, compliment her other bms and ask them for the goss about the bride, chat to the random old relatives and ask them to dance.

Be the life and soul of the party, the loveliest BM in the room, and maybe afterwards your friend will realise how much she’s missing out on!

But she presumably thinks that asking you to be a bridesmaid was a reciprocal gesture, as you’d asked her, and that this, in itself, constituted an ‘effort’, and quite a big gesture, given that you’re no longer close.

She’s not to know that you saw it as an implicit invitation back to your former closeness, and are desperately disappointed she’s not magically reverted to being your close friend, because you think she now owes you more effort..

I mean, it’s likely she thinks she did you a favour by asking, and you clearly think you’re doing her a favour by having accepted.

So you don’t find it weird that someone asks you to be a bridesmaid, excludes you from all wedding chat and plans, only speaks to you when payment is due for something.

Yes it was lovely she asked me to be a bridesmaid, but I find it insulting you think it’s OK to just ask someone to be a bridemaid and make NO effort at all. You must have really low standards

She is being rude and selective about what she says and does with you in regards to the wedding. I would be pissed off too. It's a lot of money she needs to show some respect and not ignore you. Why should you tolerate that she didn't hold a gun to your head you still have a choice.

I agree with your husband too. Don’t let her down, you’re still friends just not as close and that’s fine. I wouldn’t want to let a friend down regardless of how close we are.

She asked you to be bridesmaid but you have to pay for your dress, make up and hair. She’s having a laugh or as tight as a duck’s ar*e.

I agree with your husband turn up and smile then let it wain
I have two questions though what wedding chat and plans do you expect ? There was nothing of that when i got married, the only thing the bridesmaids did was arrange the hen party, I didn't discuss with them flowers, table plan ect nothing, that was all done between me and my now husband. i didn't want any one interfering with their opinions.

Then only spending money on a dress hair and make up - unless you are in the USA, this is not normal, The bride pays for the dresses, pays for hair and make up if they want it done their way, bridesmaid only pays for shoes and underwear etc . If i was asked to pay for all of this i would have said no
I agree friendship hasn't been a two way street from what you are saying, but its too late to pull out, its only three weeks away

I think this is the best thing you can do. Just accept your friendship is different, enjoy the day for what it is (a favour to an old friend) and move on afterwards 🥰

Yes I fully agree, it’s too late to pull out now.

1. So I am one of 7 bridemaids and the only one that didn’t know the colour of the dresses, styles. This was all discussed without me (I’m laid back and happy to wear whatever, I just mean I was obviously excluded from looking at dresses) they all knew what brides dress looked like. If I offered help, for example I said if you need help arranging the hen do I would. Then I get a text couple of weeks later that her and a few other bridesmaids had met up to make hen do plans and this is what was happening. She didn’t want my help but wanted the others, ok fine. Just a bit disappointing I guess. Bridesmaids know everything about the day - I know nothing. Excluded from any sort of wedding chat. If anyone else offers, she jumps at it. Me - nothing.

2. we’re not in USA, we are northern England. I know it sounds silly but in the hopes of getting closer again I just said yes to buying the dress and what not.

I don’t see how it can be clearer. She asked you because you used to be close, and she was your bridesmaid years ago. It’s a gesture saluting the past. It’s obvious she’s not interested, at least not now, in trying to be close again. Your lives have moved in different directions for now. She made a token gesture of appreciation.

It’s perfectly possible she thinks she’s being considerate in not expecting you to be involved in more than the minimum amount of bridesmaid ‘work’ or wedding chat, precisely because she’s aware you’re no longer close friends, and thinks you would find it a drag.

As regards paying for bridesmaid-related things, that varies so much from wedding to wedding, and on the finances of everyone involved. I’ve been a bridesmaid five times, and it’s ranged from me being flown to India, put up in a luxurious hotel for a week, and given a custom-made sari when I was a postgrad and hadn’t two pennies, to paying for my own dress, hair, tent, and pastel wellingtons for a damp woodland wedding in Leicestershire, snd pretty much everything in between. Likewise the amount of ‘work’ involved, from dress fittings and catering tasting sessions and decorating the church to just showing up on the day and holding a bouquet. I don’t think there’s a ‘rule’.

I agree should have been some talk with you on hen party plans - That is rude
But my god 7 Bridesmaids ??? That is a lot
As soon as money was asked for i would have backed out - that is not on, if you want 7 bridesmaids you pay for it

Go to the wedding, smile have champagne - do not offer to do anything As soon as 1st dance is done, if your not enjoying it you can leave
Then i would get on with my own life
Make sure to sell the dress on vinted as soon as over

I don’t think it’s fair to treat people like a token at your wedding for the sake of it. It’s not fair to just invite someone to your bridesmaid, that you know tries to make effort to maintain a friendship with you and give nothing back. You say it’s obvious she’s not interested, (I do agree) but can’t you see how silly that is? To ask someone to be a bridesmaid when you don’t care for them in that way?

I have consistently shown I want to be involved and always try and check in and ask questions - would find it odd if she then assumed I’d find it “a drag”

Agree on the last part though.. there’s no set rule

100% agree with your husband. You are her bridesmaid so you must mean more than most to her. If it fizzles out after, let it.

Someone once said something along the lines of, ‘weddings are one of the ways we say goodbye to our old friends’.

And sometimes that’s sadly true. Often those friendships are already starting to fade as we all move into new life stages and sometimes to new places too.

Sometimes, when thinking about who to invite, we remember old school and uni friends and ex colleagues who were important in our ‘journey’. But the truth is that these are people we already rarely see. Other times friendships seem firm all the way up to weddings and then seem to drop off. The same happens when children come along.

Our lives change and paths diverge. It’s sad. But new friendships come along too. And, of course, this is usually how friendship cycles have run from nursery on.

You seem to be suggesting that your presence as a bridesmaid would be somehow lying to everyone. Your fading friendship meaning that you’re not deserving of being a bridesmaid and she’s not deserving of having you as a bridesmaid. But being a bridesmaid isn’t a statement of intent or truth. It’s just a nice thing to do.

Think of this as her way of remembering your years of friendship, even if that friendship has now changed, and as a last hurrah. A lovely way to let something go and to have one last memory of how good it once was.

Leaving just one bridesmaid out of all the wedding chat and the dress try on when everyone else attended is really bizarre!!

Does she feel some sort of weird obligation to be reciprocal since she was in your wedding party? But that still doesn’t explain just not including you in anything.

At this point I’d just show up on the day with a smile and have an stress-free time, but I would have no expectations for this friendship going forward.

Just make sure you're in lots of the photos.

:-)
Enjoy it as a day of your life.