Would you pull out of being a bridesmaid or shall I still go through with it?

[Highlighter37]

I’m feeling a bit emotional at the moment so before I make a decision I wanted to know what others would do.

I have been friends with the bride since primary school, we have a lot of history. She was my bridesmaid 5 years ago.

We were extremely close until about 3 years ago, just after my first child was born. I can’t really pinpoint a problem or time that we started to distance. Weekly texts became monthly, and I felt like I did 80% of the check in’s. Looking back on our messages, neither of us did anything wrong. I hardly spoke about my child with her and I tried to arrange child free meet up’s with her. I can’t imagine it being because I had a child - she was always quite anti having children until recently.

I personally feel that we just drifted, she made new friends and they met more often and I got forgotten about (it happens? Although sad)

To my surprise she asked me to be her bridesmaid for her wedding coming up at the end of this month. Literally less than 3 weeks away now. I said yes, and thought it might rekindle our old close friendship again.

Anyway, we’ve met up since with the other bridemaids and it’s been a lovely time when we meet but I almost feel a bit like I can feel their friendships are closer than ours. The hen do was a great time but a clear feeling of who she was closer too. I’ve tried to message offering help with the wedding, ask about her make up or flowers etc but I usually just get ignored. Our messages are quite generic - almost like you’re talking to an acquaintance. Sometimes she will reply asking how me and the kids are but then ignore me after, I feel like she doesn’t really care.

It’s now 20 days until the wedding and I’m starting to get itchy feet about turning up as her bridemaid. Part of me feels we’re no longer close but at the same time, the bride hasn’t been nasty or mean. Do I just show up on the day and then fade things out? I’ve already brought my dress, paid the make up artist and hair stylist.

I was talking to my brother and DH about this yesterday, brother says “long her off” but DH says it’s 3 weeks away, turn up like she did for me and then fizzle it out.

I think she may have asked you to be a bridesmaid because she thought you would be offended if she didn't as she was yours.The fact that she was bothered about your opinion on the matter shows she does value you to some extent
(imo) if only as someone she was close to once. If she thought gosh why was I ever friends with her she wouldn't have asked you. If she has children in the future you may become closer again as you will be more at the same stage in life, or you may not. Regardless, I think you should be her bridesmaid and try to enjoy the day. Perhaps there will be others there you know and can reconnect with ( her relatives or other old friends).

Fwiw I don't think you are needy.

I'm team husband just get it over with and let them friendship drift.
Its very common and you aren't alone.

Don’t pull out at this stage. You would be the worst in the world and she would tell everybody and would have a good reason not to like you and end your friendship.
Turn up on the day, smile and be as nice as pie to everyone. Be super helpful and then sit back and see how she behaves in the weeks and months after the wedding.
she doesn’t seem as good a friend to you as you are to her.

I think it’s too late to pull out now.

Agree

Another bridesmaid has pulled out. She's asked you as a last minute replacement. Sorry.

Personally I’d be her bridesmaid and enjoy the day,
You may not feel close to her now but friendships have a habit of changing over time, if she has a child you might find she naturally gravitates back to you and her newer friends fade away.

If your friendship has faded and she feels it too then she's probably really debated about having you as a bridesmaid... but then decided to. This may be out of obligation because she was yours but it says to me she cares about your feelings..

You'd be a little hurt if she didn't. So in your position I'd enjoy it and just see what happens after. Don't dwell on it
But please for the love of everything don't let her down.

Don't pull out. Do what you agreed to then let the friendship go if you feel you want to.

I agree with this actually, on balance. She's being rude not responding to OPs messages.

But at this point OP may as well go. Yes it would be hurtful to the bride probably, but the bride's behaviour is also quite hurtful.

The bride is having 7 of them, one not being there will not matter one single bit.

OP you are not needy for expecting a text back from a friend who considers you important enough to be a bridesmaid at her wedding!

How does the bride not feel embarrassed asking you for money when she hasn’t even bothered to respond to your previous texts?! I would be mortified looking at our conversation history and seeing that all I ever do is ignore your questions and ask for money!

i think you made the right choice to still do it and then leave the ball in her court.

as to why you drifted it's probably because you had a child. People who don't have children sometimes just don't have anything to say to you (especially if they don't like kids) when you have a child, especially a small child who takes up a lot of your time and is a very large factor in your life.

never underestimate how boring other people can find your children, especially if they don't have their own!

I have been on both sides of this. It's weird but it's definitely a thing.

I would raise this with her after the wedding OP. It’s not appropriate to pull out now, it’s far too short notice.but definitely have a conversation / heart to heart with her a few weeks after her wedding maybe x

Yes, agree with your DH. It may rekindle or not.

She clearly wants you to be part of her wedding, obviously you are not as close as some of her other friends now, but that’s understandable and ok.