Would you pull out of being a bridesmaid or shall I still go through with it?

[Highlighter37]

I’m feeling a bit emotional at the moment so before I make a decision I wanted to know what others would do.

I have been friends with the bride since primary school, we have a lot of history. She was my bridesmaid 5 years ago.

We were extremely close until about 3 years ago, just after my first child was born. I can’t really pinpoint a problem or time that we started to distance. Weekly texts became monthly, and I felt like I did 80% of the check in’s. Looking back on our messages, neither of us did anything wrong. I hardly spoke about my child with her and I tried to arrange child free meet up’s with her. I can’t imagine it being because I had a child - she was always quite anti having children until recently.

I personally feel that we just drifted, she made new friends and they met more often and I got forgotten about (it happens? Although sad)

To my surprise she asked me to be her bridesmaid for her wedding coming up at the end of this month. Literally less than 3 weeks away now. I said yes, and thought it might rekindle our old close friendship again.

Anyway, we’ve met up since with the other bridemaids and it’s been a lovely time when we meet but I almost feel a bit like I can feel their friendships are closer than ours. The hen do was a great time but a clear feeling of who she was closer too. I’ve tried to message offering help with the wedding, ask about her make up or flowers etc but I usually just get ignored. Our messages are quite generic - almost like you’re talking to an acquaintance. Sometimes she will reply asking how me and the kids are but then ignore me after, I feel like she doesn’t really care.

It’s now 20 days until the wedding and I’m starting to get itchy feet about turning up as her bridemaid. Part of me feels we’re no longer close but at the same time, the bride hasn’t been nasty or mean. Do I just show up on the day and then fade things out? I’ve already brought my dress, paid the make up artist and hair stylist.

I was talking to my brother and DH about this yesterday, brother says “long her off” but DH says it’s 3 weeks away, turn up like she did for me and then fizzle it out.

I wouldn't be surprised if she paid for the 6 other brides maid's. You were the token 7th I doubt she'll notice if you had to back out unexpectedly.

Hi @Highlighter37 sorry your friendship has become one sided.i know how painful this can be. Do you both live in the same city/town? If one of you has moved away then you can undertrained the distance but if you’re both nearby to each other then it seems she’s moved on. I hope you get some closure.

I think it’s a tough one - you’d never have been able to refuse when she asked you bcos you are on paper old best friends & it would have been v difficult to decline in the first place -so don’t berate yourself too much for that. But as you e now got a chance to see the dynamics & relationships with her other friends I’d just suck it up, smile & spend the wedding doing your “job” & then hang out more with your own DH & DC (if they’re going). This way you won’t feel the discomfort of not being fully included or on the edge of things - by all means celebrate with her & on the dance floor, but just adjust your expectations a little & make the most of the day that way. As another pp said she may be honouring you as a part of her life & as one of her oldest friends, but another way of looking at it is that she’s also just using you - as her newer friends & others will expect her to have a wider network of people in her life & unfortunately you tick that box. Don’t mean that in a hurtful way - just that the pressure of weddings & the narrative dictates people play these roles & sadly some pple are happy to cast others in them without much consideration or care for their feelings/respective relationship. Free yourself from the feeling of disappointment & enjoy it for what it is. No matter how hard.

But you’re not in the same position surely? You are not being “dumped” as far as I can see? Why has this wound you up so much?

Definitely still go OP! Sometimes bridesmaids are more about history rather than new friendships. Although you’re not as close anymore, you still meant a lot to each other at different parts of your lives.

after the wedding, reach out occasionally if you want but don’t put pressure on this. It may fizzle out naturally.

if you don’t go to the wedding, it’ll be such a drama and also might be a bit mean for the bride to have this all to worry about a few weeks before her big day!

You've said the bride hasn't done anything wrong etc, but she absolutely has by treating you the way she has, ignoring your messages etc. IMO you are justified to feel the way you do, and IMO you are doing the right thing in going. Enjoy the day for what it is, leave when it's no longer fun. The friendship may rekindle in time, let's hope so. It is sad to be in your position, and a bit shit, when a long friendship wanes lines this.

But for her, asking you to be her bridesmaid is giving something back’. As another poster said, it’s a goodbye nod to the past, an honouring of what you used to mean to one another, a reciprocation of your having asked her to be your bridesmaid. You saw it as an indication she wanted to revive the friendship, but that doesn’t seem to be what she means, so you feel aggrieved.

Im going against the grain she wants you there for the aesthetic look for her wedding. Look how amazing and popular she is with her bridesmaids in tow. You are fronting all the costs to be part of her big day. She's excluded you and invited everyone to her wedding dress try on and openly ignores you. If she was fronting the costs would she really have you as bridesmaid the answer is no. It's not costing her anything other than 2 meals to have you there. She only speaks to you when payment is required for her big day not as a friend.After the day is done she will never speak to you again. She's a user and what's a picture perfect wedding not a friendship. 100 percent you brother is right she will ditch you. Get in their first.

I suspect there's a seperate wedding chat your not apart of and she's likely paid for the girls dresses and make up. 7 bridesmaids suggests she wants a big show of how popular and amazing she is. Did she ask for payment for the dress hair and makeup separately from the rest of the girls. The fact you knew nothing about what dress says it all. One of my close friend is getting married and she's spoken to us all about what dress to go with.

YABU and your DH is right. You said you’d do something so you should do it and not be a flake. Afterwards have a conversation and then move on either together or apart.

You may not be as close now but it seems she values you and wants you to be there. It really would be awful to back out, just do it and enjoy the day without overthinking the friendship. Xxx

Hey op sorry your feeling this way especially after the length of time you have been friends I agree with others go the wedding she would not have asked you if she didn’t care about you but I also agree it’s hard when you do all the running. One of my New Year’s resolutions was to leave contacting people and see who reaches out first I felt guilty at first thinking what if something had happened and I wasn’t there as a friend. Then I literally just thought fuck it I can’t keep doing this and you know what I lost most of these friends but I don’t care as I was fed up making all the effort and now I barely give them a second thought even though it hurt at first but the lack of communication hurt me more. So I hope you enjoy the wedding and like you say message her the once afterwards then leave her to it. Good luck.

She is expecting you to show up for her, but hasn't, and is still not, showing up for you. If I was asked to be a bridesmaid, and forking out for a friends wedding, I would at least expect the respect of getting a text back from her. Don't waste time on someone who doesn't value you.

I don’t think you sound remotely needy, ive had a very similar situation, however I think this friend doesn’t speak to me now because I have a baby, it is really shit!

It does sound like you are envious of her other friendships. I think that could be clouding your judgement. Show up for the wedding. Not doing so would be really shitty behaviour and unforgivable. I think you want to be close again, otherwise you wouldn't be thinking this way. You may feel connected again after the wedding. If not give it a couple of weeks then tell her how you feel.
I've had periods where I haven't been as close to my friends but I've always cared about them. I think the bride probably feels the same about you and that is why you are bridesmaid.

Do it! This will reignite your friendship if anything, normal for it to take a while to get back to normal. You'll def regret it if you don't go. Normal for people to see each other more to appear more natural but that feeling won't last

Similar thing happened to me and how we are good friends again- her inviting me and me accepting was a first step

Respectfully, you’re projecting like mad here. The bride is going to look pretty much exactly as popular with six bridesmaids as with seven. She has no need for the OP as windowdressing. With six bridesmaids, nobody is going to be sighing over the poor tragic bride and her lack of close female friends. Which makes asking the OP a genuine gesture, though not perhaps with the meaning the OP saw in it.

And I’ve had every possible permutation of costs the times I’ve been a bridesmaid, from being flown halfway round the world, my accommodation and outfits paid for for a wedding that lasted days, to paying for my dress, shoes etc myself. But how much the couple spent or didn’t spend on me didn’t correlate to the depth of the friendship.

Surely there’s a WhatsApp group with the bridal party in it where a lot of things gets discussed and planned. Seems odd that you aren’t included, it seems like she has only asked you bc of your shared history. I wouldn’t pull out now as she hasn’t actually done anything nasty. Go to the wedding and after that let the relationship fizzle out, seems like she’ll be too busy to keep in touch after marriage if she hasn’t all these years

Have you, at any point, said “I don’t feel like we are as close as we used to be, I really miss you, it would be good if we could see each other a bit more” .. and then get dates in a diary. Dropping hints gets you nowhere.

@ImagineHarder How am I protecting? I don't have issues with friendships so I find your comment odd. I'm giving an opinon on facts op have posted. The bride wants a big show for her wedding. She's asked op to pay for the privilege, this isnt the done thing in the uk. It's very telling how she's included the other women in wedding plans and not op and she's been pushed aside. Real friends don't behave like that especially only contacting for payment but ignoring op when she speak to her is appalling. It says alot about her as person she is hence why I said she wants abig show about herself she doesn't care about op and want to have a meaningful relationship.

OP I don't think you sound needy at all. I'd feel weird about being her bridesmaid, I'd probably develop a D&V bug the day before and not go but that's me, I'm pretty socially awkward and don't like being places I know I'm not wanted.

I did this with a friend but as an invited guest rather than bridesmaid. The friendship had been faltering for a while - I turned up to the wedding as a sort of tribute to what it had been and thought of it as a bit of a goodbye. I didn’t want to draw attention/make a point by not attending - I made the effort to go and celebrate them, but let it fade after that.

One of my bridesmaids was a good friend from school. I hadn't really seen her much in the time since school and after my wedding I only saw her at other people's weddings. She didn't invite me to hers although I did plan to go to the church at one point.

I'm glad she agreed to be my bridesmaid. She was chosen because she was a very calm person and someone I could rely on. My chief bridesmaid was more flighty.

Your friend wishes to honour your friendship. Even if it feels a dead thing, she wants you to be part of her special day. You need to do this for old time's sake.

I just hope that you can at least look happy to be therefore her and not show your disappointment.

Reading your responses OP I think you kind of might have thought that this would bring you back together, but I think it is really important to remember she might not be being obtuse, she might just be super busy with all the organising and things.

I was a relatively chill bride to a degree, but when it’s your day you do want everything to be perfect and that takes a lot of time and effort and coordination. Equally I didn’t hand things off to others, other than my husband who was epic, because I/he knew what we wanted and how we wanted it done.

She obviously wants you to have a special role in her special day or she wouldn’t have asked you. You will be in all the important photos and she obviously wanted that.

I am not sure this needs to be a ‘I’ll let it fade from here or let the friendship go’. I think it just needs to be a ‘I’ll be there for you whenever you need me, but I appreciate that right now we are in different places’. This happens with friendships and we never know what each other have going on, but I would like to think that if I reached out to any of my friends in need they would be there and vice versa.

Right now you are just in different pages, but it doesn’t mean you have to deliberately close the book! Just go with the flow, enjoy spending time with her when possible, be glad you could be a part of her special day and have that memory together too. Reach out now and again and maybe one day you will reconnect more deeply again.

I think we can all be guilty of expectations surrounding friendships, I personally have come to the realisation over the years though that I can’t put my expectations on others because they have their own stuff they are dealing with at any given time. Therefore I have learned that you reach out now and again and if you need someone and hope that they will do the same and sometimes you are pleasantly surprised by what happens. Friendships don’t need to have absolutes, it’s not really how they work. Unless of course being around the person is toxic and you need to have a boundary for your own wellbeing.