Would you pull out of being a bridesmaid or shall I still go through with it?

[Highlighter37]

I’m feeling a bit emotional at the moment so before I make a decision I wanted to know what others would do.

I have been friends with the bride since primary school, we have a lot of history. She was my bridesmaid 5 years ago.

We were extremely close until about 3 years ago, just after my first child was born. I can’t really pinpoint a problem or time that we started to distance. Weekly texts became monthly, and I felt like I did 80% of the check in’s. Looking back on our messages, neither of us did anything wrong. I hardly spoke about my child with her and I tried to arrange child free meet up’s with her. I can’t imagine it being because I had a child - she was always quite anti having children until recently.

I personally feel that we just drifted, she made new friends and they met more often and I got forgotten about (it happens? Although sad)

To my surprise she asked me to be her bridesmaid for her wedding coming up at the end of this month. Literally less than 3 weeks away now. I said yes, and thought it might rekindle our old close friendship again.

Anyway, we’ve met up since with the other bridemaids and it’s been a lovely time when we meet but I almost feel a bit like I can feel their friendships are closer than ours. The hen do was a great time but a clear feeling of who she was closer too. I’ve tried to message offering help with the wedding, ask about her make up or flowers etc but I usually just get ignored. Our messages are quite generic - almost like you’re talking to an acquaintance. Sometimes she will reply asking how me and the kids are but then ignore me after, I feel like she doesn’t really care.

It’s now 20 days until the wedding and I’m starting to get itchy feet about turning up as her bridemaid. Part of me feels we’re no longer close but at the same time, the bride hasn’t been nasty or mean. Do I just show up on the day and then fade things out? I’ve already brought my dress, paid the make up artist and hair stylist.

I was talking to my brother and DH about this yesterday, brother says “long her off” but DH says it’s 3 weeks away, turn up like she did for me and then fizzle it out.

I'd try speaking to her first and see if she still wants you to be a bridesmaid as she never answers your messages about the wedding planning. In the nicest possible way she might be hoping you pull out. I'd rather have a bridesmaid pull out at this stage than be on the photos and then phase out the friendship. Especially as you've paid for your own dress/make up.

@Twinhearts Thank you for getting it.

To be honest it’s hard understanding fully especially when you don’t know the whole situation and you’re reading on aibu but I do think it’s odd that some people think being upset about being ignored and a friendship breaking down is needy or childish.

Imagine if someone posted that their boyfriend no longer messaged, ignored them and didn’t make effort to meet. Everyone would be saying ditch, no one would be saying “oh you’re just needy”

I thought about this, but then thought it could backfire and she might still want me to be bridemaid but then know I didn’t want to be.. x

I think it is needy, but I also think that you and the bride clearly have different interpretations of the meaning of asking someone to be a bridesmaid.

You say you accepted because you thought it was an ‘olive branch’ — but an olive branch is a declaration of peace/goodwill after a breach, and by your own account, neither of you did anything wrong, the friendship just drifted.

You thought it was a signal of intent to renew a former closeness, whereas I agree with @5128gap that it was a nice reciprocal gesture to pay tribute to a role you’d played in her life, even if that role has changed.

But you also seem to be getting aggrieved, as though you are doing her a favour by being her bridesmaid, attending her hen etc, because she has not played her part as you imagined by ‘making an effort’. But asking you to be her bridesmaid was her ‘effort’. She presumably sees it as a tribute to you, not something she foisted on you. I suppose it comes down to whether you see being a bridesmaid as a compliment, or, as you seem to, an expensive chore you view as part of you making 90% of the effort.

@Highlighter37 you are clearly a kind, considerate person and I can see why being a bridesmaid in these circumstances feels off/icky/odd.

I think you have a good plan. It really doesn't sound like there's a friendship. To leave you out but invite all the other bridesmaids to a dress event is very telling. I do wonder if she resents that she asked you? Maybe she felt she had to or her mother said she had to b/c you had her as yours. You'll likely never know.

Friendships do ebb and flow. Like most relationships things are rarely 50/50 all the time, but they can't be fully one sided, there has to be give and take and a shared interest in each other's well-being. Shared history can only take a friendship so far, there has to be more to continue to sustain it. It sounds like she can't/won't give more and that's why it's fizzling out.

I'd be thankful for the good times you had and simply, gently move on. No drama, no falling out. No immense sadness. Most things can teach us something and give us some good memories. In this situation I'd say you need to make the past be enough - take the good from what the friendship brought in that season of your life and wish her well. You will likely never understand why she backed away but you can accept that you don't need to and that you are okay.

Enjoy the wedding!

Agree to disagree, someone on mumsnet doesn’t know me in real life or understand the situation.

It isn’t needy to expect some interest in each others lives. How would you feel if you reached out multiple times to someone, got ignored but then when payment for things were due you got a message with no sorry I was busy, just ignored but expects me to send £70 over.

It isn’t needy to have boundaries. I wanted to be her bridesmaid because I love the girl, I think you’re forgetting I make most of the effort to maintain this friendship. I didnt expect to be a bridemaids to be a “tribute” I expected to be wanted more than just to pay x y and z. Maybe a convo here and there about each others lives?

I have low expectations and I’m quite laid back - but this situation annoyed me. I’m far from a needy person - a stranger on mumsnet won’t make me doubt myself.

I don't think you are needy probably confused and definitely hurt but not needy !
I've been "dumped" by a friend it doesn't feel great yes.I.am an adult etc etc but I have feelings.

I think it would be horrid to pull out now and really spoil the day fofvthe bride. I ghink you’re being selfish tbh and needy. Give yourself a shake, feel flattered and grateful she asked you - THAT in itself is a sign she wants you in her life still.

You've got to turn up. She asked you out of respect for your long-standing friendship, she does care about you.

Friendships do wax and wane. One of my best friends has been my best friend since I was 14, another since I was 16, and over the years we've drifted apart and back together again. In fact, our whole school friend group is in the process of an unplanned, organic getting-back-together. I think it's because half of us are now divorced/separated and you remember who your real mates are when you're single!

My point is: I think it's a bit harsh saying you're going to 'fizzle out' a whole friendship just because you're not as close as you once were. Why not stay friends and just enjoy it for what it is?

Thank you, honestly not sure what goes through peoples minds when they comment things like that on a strangers post

😂

She's not being selfish or making a drama, shes noticed the bride treats her like shit and she don't really feel in the mood to go and play happy families. Perfectly normal reaction to someone making you feel unimportant in their lives but ask you to be their bridesmaid 🤦‍♀️

You might think it’s harsh I want to fizzle the friendship out, but can I remind people I make 90% of the effort and I’m done with it to be honest. Why constantly make the effort and get no where? How can I enjoy a friendship when it’s me being the main carrier of it. I’ve spent 3 years hoping for things to change. Once the wedding is over, ball is on her court.

Thank you for getting it! I just feel like being left on read yet again annoyed me and it was almost like the last straw.

I am still going to turn up and have made my decision, but I can’t believe the amount of people who do actually think I’m the problem

Another one here agreeing with your husband. Turn up for her like she did for you, it's only a few weeks away. After that just let it fizzle out naturally and don't agree to anything else in the future with her. Just say I'll let you know, then make something up.

Thank you, I’m going to text her a couple of days after her honeymoon to say I hope they had a great time and the wedding was lovely and then leave the ball in her court

I think it's fair enough to leave the ball in her court. It's possible that she's just caught up in wedding drama and not really thinking about anything else, and only really talking to her immediate nearby circle about it.

I've also had friendships where I've made the majority of the effort. I had one friend who I thought was a really good mate, we'd known each other for years, given each other jobs, I went out of my way to look after her (literally as we lived at opposite ends of the country) when she split from her husband, she gave me my 'something borrowed' for my wedding. I found out she'd married again on FB when she posted photos of it. I wasn't only not invited, I wasn't even told about it. To add insult to injury, the wedding was at a posh venue only a few miles from my house! I gave up on that friendship after that. Sometimes the hurt really isn't worth it! So if that's how you feel, then I do understand.

I actually think it's weird and quite passive aggressive of the bride to ask someone to be bridesmaid when at the same time they're being quite distant and by the sounds of it actually a bit unfriendly towards that person. It puts OP in a difficult position; people say show up for her day like it's not much to ask, but if I was in this situation, it'd cause a bit of stress and worry - both in the lead up and on the day. Why did she do such a thing? Especially if she's since made it clear to you that she is closer to the other bridesmaids. It's like she has some idea it was expected for form's sake, but she didn't really think about the whole thing would be like from your perspective. I think it's quite selfish of her really.

Five years ago, I would have said you have to go. But the older I get the less inclined I am to put up with other people's shit. And all that expense. It doesn't seem fair at all. At the same time I think if it was me I'd just about go, especially as you've paid for the dress and makeup artist. But I would minimise any dealings with her between now and then and try to completely minimise how much I dwell on it. I wouldn't bother contacting her again unless necessary. Just get on with your own life. And on the day, once the meal etc is done I would feel free to head home (discreetly) if I was having a bad time.

Just because someone is a bride doesn't mean their well-being is automatically more important than everyone else's imo.

But, respectfully, why are you making all that effort? She hasn’t expected it or invited it, she’s clearly not reciprocating it, and you’re clearly not enjoying being the ‘main carrier’. So why do it?

People complaining about one-sided friendships on here often seem to think that ‘making the effort’ is objectively a good thing in itself, for which they should be rewarded with friendship, but if the other person doesn’t want to be the recipient of that effort, there’s no point in it. It’s like a discarded boyfriend claiming ‘But I was a gentleman — I opened car doors, pulled out chairs, walked on the road side! Why did she dump me?’ But if the woman in question didn’t want any of that ‘effort’, and he knew that, it wasn’t for her he was doing it.

Its just a bit illogical to think someone owes you for doing something they’ve never asked you to do, or suggested they wanted.

I think I realise now that 3 weeks before the wedding is too late to now make my stand and I would definitely be the bad guy. I think what I should have done is express my feelings a few months ago in person with the bride or over phone and either try and sort things out or just ask to be a guest.

I am also trying to work on my boundaries so I think I should of said something, probably left it too late now x

Exactly, hence the I want to fizzle out the friendship part of my post

I dont see how expecting someone to answer a text is needy! And i am one of who thinks you do need to go through with it! I also think that for whatever reason your friendship has waned and you should protect yourself from any further hurt. But two wrongs dont make a right, and pulling out now would be hurtful as you have identified.

This is the wording I said to my DH, I said I know 2 wrongs don’t make a right that’s why I will definitely be showing up xx

You keep moaning that people make judgements about you without knowing you in real life. Hint: you asked for advice on an internet message board. BTW: just go. It’s one day.

I asked for advice correct but people have seemed to make up scenarios that aren’t true, there’s no need for name calling or assuming things about me. Just because it’s an online forum doesn’t mean people can’t be kind.

Too many people on mumsnet say things on here they wouldn’t dare too in real life

Advice - yes please! Rudeness - no thanks!