Would you pull out of being a bridesmaid or shall I still go through with it?

[Highlighter37]

I’m feeling a bit emotional at the moment so before I make a decision I wanted to know what others would do.

I have been friends with the bride since primary school, we have a lot of history. She was my bridesmaid 5 years ago.

We were extremely close until about 3 years ago, just after my first child was born. I can’t really pinpoint a problem or time that we started to distance. Weekly texts became monthly, and I felt like I did 80% of the check in’s. Looking back on our messages, neither of us did anything wrong. I hardly spoke about my child with her and I tried to arrange child free meet up’s with her. I can’t imagine it being because I had a child - she was always quite anti having children until recently.

I personally feel that we just drifted, she made new friends and they met more often and I got forgotten about (it happens? Although sad)

To my surprise she asked me to be her bridesmaid for her wedding coming up at the end of this month. Literally less than 3 weeks away now. I said yes, and thought it might rekindle our old close friendship again.

Anyway, we’ve met up since with the other bridemaids and it’s been a lovely time when we meet but I almost feel a bit like I can feel their friendships are closer than ours. The hen do was a great time but a clear feeling of who she was closer too. I’ve tried to message offering help with the wedding, ask about her make up or flowers etc but I usually just get ignored. Our messages are quite generic - almost like you’re talking to an acquaintance. Sometimes she will reply asking how me and the kids are but then ignore me after, I feel like she doesn’t really care.

It’s now 20 days until the wedding and I’m starting to get itchy feet about turning up as her bridemaid. Part of me feels we’re no longer close but at the same time, the bride hasn’t been nasty or mean. Do I just show up on the day and then fade things out? I’ve already brought my dress, paid the make up artist and hair stylist.

I was talking to my brother and DH about this yesterday, brother says “long her off” but DH says it’s 3 weeks away, turn up like she did for me and then fizzle it out.

My oldest friend from uni was my bridesmaid. We talk once a month maybe and meet up less than once a year, but I'd have been so upset if she couldn't have been there. You obviously mean something to her or she wouldn't have asked x

Rubbish. If you would feel that way, then easy peasy - you dont ask someone to be a bridesmaid and just about ignore them. That’s on you. Most people ask someone to be a bridesmaid as they want them in their wedding. The op is doing the right thing by turning up, although the bride hasn’t been particularly welcoming.

Perhaps she was just simply sending you instructions? Do you know what colour dress you need to turn up in?

Which is why you need to reframe.

It does not have to be a "lost friendship". It would be a lost friendship if you pulled out now.

If you attend and pull back a bit afterwards, it does not have to be a "lost friendship". It's an "old friendship that I haven't seen in a while".

Pulling out just now is the act of drama llama

In my view it's worth playing the long game with friendships as they can ebb and flow during life.

She hasn't done anything to end the friendship, and I don't think you should either through dropping out of the wedding.

Many of my friendships have had periods of closeness and then not-so-closeness - that's life. You don't know what the future holds for this friendship.

I think I was unreasonable for not bringing up my concerns with the bride at the time of invite or feeling left out of wedding planning

I think the bride is unreasonable for not making an effort after asking me to be a bridemaid, if you’re expecting someone to spend a lot of money to be part of your day and turn up to events it would be nice to feel included or even get a reply back once in a while.

Did you know her family OP? Will there be people at the wedding that it will be nice to catch up with? I agree with PP , frame it as she's asked you because you've been friends a long time. People change a lot as they get older. I'm in my 50s and talk more now to a couple of friends from school than I did for ages. After the wedding, I wouldn't close the door on this friendship but I wouldn't make a lot of effort either.

I have a similar issue with one of my bridesmaids. We were so close, I was her maid of honour. She moved and now has a new best friend who lives closer who she sees all the time. Instead of things we’d do together she does them with this person instead. I try to get a conversation going but it’s always me texting and it’s 99% ignored. We meet up mainly in a larger friendship group now maybe 3 times a year. I’m very sad about it.

Having bridesmaids pay for their own dresses, hair and make-up is so tacky and I wouldn't want to be her friend anymore purely based on that.

However, there's 20 days to go and it would be harsh to pull out now.

Thank you for understanding, and I’m sorry you do understand. I have had friendships move and change over the years, I know how normal it can be.

I had children 1 who she’s never met and 1 who she saw at 3 weeks then never again, for someone that was so close to me before and who we shared everything with it’s really hard to accept the change whilst also acknowledging it happens. It’s life.

She made new friends, stopped bothering with me or making much effort. I put in most of the effort to maintain this friendship, I really thought her asking me to be a bridesmaid would change things - I really thought this was the start of us getting back on track. But it’s just confirmed to me that she’s done, or has no interest in my life. We know nothing about each other, to be honest

on the face of it YABVU to pull out at short notice because you feel like she is closer to other bridesmaids.

You say she was ‘anti’ having kids until recently. Could this be the crux of it? You had a kid, she was jealous because she didn’t think it would happen for her and went on the defensive convincing herself she didn’t want them anyway. Now she’s getting married and she is likely to start a family the reasons to distance herself from you are no longer. But in the meantime she’s made some close friendships who know the ins and outs of people’s lives.

I agree with your husband.

It sounds as if the friendship has faded and you’ve drifted apart, which is sad, but it happens. If you attend the wedding, things may get back to how they were, they may stay as they are, or you may drift apart further. But there is still hope. If you pull out of the wedding then the friendship is 100% over for ever. I would always choose the option that has the most hope in it.

You've agreed to the committment so you should honour it.

Also, although you aren't currently close, in a long life there are periods where friendships ebb and flow. She may well come back to a closer relationship in the future. If you let her down on her wedding day, then this is far less likely.

As for having you in the wedding pictures - I got married 25 years ago. The majority of the people at my wedding and in the pictures are either dead or drifted away now. It really doesn't matter. They were there for me on the day, they cared enough on the day to celebrate my wedding and that's all that matters.

Don't make her wedding all about you. She hasn't been a bridezilla. She hasn't done anything wrong other than not give you enough attention. Don't make a show of yourself by causing drama now.

because she hasn’t given me enough attention made me laugh

F

Friendships can ebb and flow.
In a few years you might rekindle things. Unless you pull out of being a BM with 3 weeks to go. That will be nuking any possibility of being close friends again.

Pull out now and the friendship is over. It’s your call I guess.

I’m in two minds. I see a bit of myself in your friend - letting friendships wax and wane, friendships maybe not playing a big part in her current life, only being ‘close’ with people who are right in front of her and struggling to keep up with people from her past.

I thought maybe her asking you to be bridesmaid was her extending a branch, trying to rekindle things a bit? But she doesn’t seem to want to communicate with you, even about the wedding..

It sounds like maybe she’s just the type of person who likes friendships when it suits them - maybe her closer friends now are in a similar life situation, are close geographically etc. I am lazy with friendships and understand that I can be selfish. I have a feeling she just wanted another bridesmaid to complete the ‘set’ or even things out.

I would still go - it’s too late to drop out - and let it fade out afterwards if you’re not happy with the imbalance of effort. Friendships can be life long but many are just for a season.

I dont think it is harsh at all. Maybe the bride is perfectly happy with the relationship, still deeply cares for her childhood friend but is happy for a more hands off relationship. The OP agreed ot be her Bridesmaid, went to all the events and didnt say anything to the bride. NOw with three weeks to go she wants to throw a spanner in the works. I am not invalidating her feelings, but the time to express them has gone. She will upset the Bride with three weeks to go and that is not a nice thing to do. Suck it up, be there on the day, try to have a nice time with your husband and deal with the friendship afterwards.

It does seem very close to the wedding to be only asked to be a bridesmaid very recently. Do you think one of the others dropped out? It’s too close to back out now so just get the day over with

Late invite? - decline just donate th3 dress or wear it another time. You are not an ‘option’

weddings are stressful, she might warm up after? In the meantime get dressed up, enjoy the day and smile

It’s true though, isn’t it? That’s exactly what you’re complaining about!