Would you pull out of being a bridesmaid or shall I still go through with it?

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I’m feeling a bit emotional at the moment so before I make a decision I wanted to know what others would do.

I have been friends with the bride since primary school, we have a lot of history. She was my bridesmaid 5 years ago.

We were extremely close until about 3 years ago, just after my first child was born. I can’t really pinpoint a problem or time that we started to distance. Weekly texts became monthly, and I felt like I did 80% of the check in’s. Looking back on our messages, neither of us did anything wrong. I hardly spoke about my child with her and I tried to arrange child free meet up’s with her. I can’t imagine it being because I had a child - she was always quite anti having children until recently.

I personally feel that we just drifted, she made new friends and they met more often and I got forgotten about (it happens? Although sad)

To my surprise she asked me to be her bridesmaid for her wedding coming up at the end of this month. Literally less than 3 weeks away now. I said yes, and thought it might rekindle our old close friendship again.

Anyway, we’ve met up since with the other bridemaids and it’s been a lovely time when we meet but I almost feel a bit like I can feel their friendships are closer than ours. The hen do was a great time but a clear feeling of who she was closer too. I’ve tried to message offering help with the wedding, ask about her make up or flowers etc but I usually just get ignored. Our messages are quite generic - almost like you’re talking to an acquaintance. Sometimes she will reply asking how me and the kids are but then ignore me after, I feel like she doesn’t really care.

It’s now 20 days until the wedding and I’m starting to get itchy feet about turning up as her bridemaid. Part of me feels we’re no longer close but at the same time, the bride hasn’t been nasty or mean. Do I just show up on the day and then fade things out? I’ve already brought my dress, paid the make up artist and hair stylist.

I was talking to my brother and DH about this yesterday, brother says “long her off” but DH says it’s 3 weeks away, turn up like she did for me and then fizzle it out.

This sounds like the best plan. Think of it as a nice close out, share the special moment with her, and then see what happens.

I think a lot of your conclusions about the friendships between you and bride and others sound based on what you think rather than facts - you can’t know what people are thinking and how close they are based on observations

I think you need to reserve judgment until you know or can have a conversation

Definitely turn up for her - it could be your own confidence and negative bias towards seeing thinks that you don’t know for sure are happening

My former friend gave me a role in her wedding and I think it was to acknowledge our history as we'd grown up together but were no longer close. It was thoughtful. Can you reframe it like that?

Perhaps she feels this way. Can’t imagine getting married without me being there given our history but also knows we aren’t as close as before

Thank you.

I know I probably shouldn’t pull out this late, I don’t want to cause any upset close to the day. This morning I was very emotional and thought of just ending the friendship but I have read some replies and realised I should just enjoy myself on the day and then I can fade things out from there.

She's likeky asked you to be her bridesmaid in recognition of your shared history and the role you've played in her life. Just because that role has changed doesn't negate what went before and I can see how she wants you to be part of a day that marks the transition to a new phase of her life. Personally I'd see it as a nice gesture that told me how much I had mattered, and that left the door open for the possibility we may reconnect in future. By pulling out, you would be closing that door and ending your relationship on a low point.

Thank you - reading this made me feel a bit better

Glad you've decided to do it, i agree it wouldn't be right to pull out so late especially as she hasn't done anything bad, you just feel a bit sad and out of place because your friendship isn't as close.

Do your best to enjoy the day, you might be surprised how much you enjoy it if you are determined to have a positive attitude. Think of it as an honour reflecting your shared past. It may even prompt a new phase for your friendship. She might have kids soon after and you can rebond over mum things. The wedding is a potential lifeline for that (if it happens and if you want it of course). If not then at least you'll have had a fun day, dressing up, celebrating and dancing.

All the best!

Having read everything you've written OP I would take her invitation to be a bridesmaid as her acknowledging the value and importance of your friendship in her life. I would attend the wedding in the same spirit.
It's sad that the friendship no longer has that significance but don't let that overshadow the positive memories.
Given that you're not in such regular contact, I don't think it's just a sense of obligation because she was your bridesmaid 5 years ago.
Friendships can rekindle after years. Or this one may drift away completely. But it clearly meant a lot to each other so it maybe worth having thst conversation after all the wedding stuff is passed.

Having been in a very similar situation asked to be a Bridesmaid but felt excluded with wedding talk etc in the lead up to the wedding, Its not a nice way to feel but I also say the same as others have. Now things have been paid for, turn up try and make the best of the day get it over with and let things drift.

Of course you can't let her down, that would be awful. Now you have agreed with it you have to go through with it.

Turn up. Don’t wreck her day this close to.

Thank you.

I am going to turn up. It’s too close to the date and I acknowledge I should of done this sooner.

I don’t want everyone thinking I’m just being nasty for the sake of it - I just feel like my texts always get ignored, I was the only person not invited to the “trying wedding dresses on” day, find out about things after they’ve been decided with other bridesmaids. I questioned why on earth she asked me to be one.

I know I sound awful but I begrudge spending money on someone who hasn’t made an effort, I feel a bit funny that I’ve spent about £400 in total with the hen do, wedding gift, dress, hair etc. on someone that can’t even reply to my messages

BUT she hasn’t been rude, nasty, and she was there on my day so I am going to turn up.

If you didn’t want to do it you shouldn’t have agreed. There’s no need for “but but but!” Irrelevant. You did agree, and you would be a dick to pull out now.

Agree, I should have spoken to her at the time of inviting me. I know I should of

Listen to your husband.

And when in doubt in the future, think about whether you are torn between two bits of advice (DH vs DB) and think about whether you would want their lives I.e. do they make good decisions and seem happy or are you wanting to follow one more than the other (DB) because its what you want to hear and it sort of gives you permission t do your preferred option.

Just to clarify - I have a lot of love for this friend and that’s why I jumped at the chance of being her bridemaid. I missed our old friendship so much. I still miss her now, I think that’s why I got a bit emotional this morning.

i will be turning up on the day and will not be saying anything to her before the day as I wouldn’t want to cause any upset

I think you should reframe this.

You don't ask someone to be a bridesmaid just because you were THEIR bridesmaid 5 years ago. It seems to me that she loves and cares for you, values your history, and wants you to be part of her big day. Yes, in the meantime, she has newer/closer friends, but this seems to be her way of trying to keep that emotion and closeness.

One of my oldest friends is someone I still love very much but we don't see or speak to each other often. I have many friends who are closer to me than her now. BUT... there's a deep seated knowledge and understanding that we have been through it ALL together, that I can, if I ever need to, speak to her in a short hand that does not exist for people who weren't there when we were growing up/goign to uni. That I can say something about my dad or my family or my feelings and she GETS it, and vice versa. If I was getting married tomorrow, I wouldn't dream of doing it withou ther at my side.

Also, to add, sometimes for a wedding, these old friends play a slightly differnet but so important role of understanding family dynamics, being able to head of Great Uncle Henry or give mother of the bride a cuddle at an emotional moment. It's part of the length and stregnth of that friendship.

I would echo several other posters that this is about your shared history.

As a bride, I invited my childhood best friend to be a bridesmaid at my wedding. We had drifted apart after university, with her moving 4-5hrs away and then she had some health problems which meant she couldn't travel so that was all on me. I saw her maybe once a year and we messaged every couple of months. Our interests also drifted apart. But all through our childhood, when we spoke or saw each other most days, we had talked about being at each others weddings so I had no hesitation in asking her. I would have respected it if she said no but was delighted she said yes.

In all honesty whilst we had been best friends once I now had friends/bridesmaids who were nearer and who knew my current likes better who helped with most of the hen do and wedding arrangements. I did try to keep her up to date with messages but the run in to the wedding was manic so I may
have missed some, and it was just easier for me to accept help from those I saw every week.

But I was so happy to have her there and she gave the impression she was too! I certainly hope she enjoyed it. I'd even invited her parents, who I also knew very well as a child of course, so they got to see her as a bridesmaid. I've framed the photo of us together at the wedding next to a childhood one of us at the beach.

That was nearly 7 years ago and I think I've seen her in person... three times? since then and one was for her Dad's funeral back in our hometown. I have kids now; she has a new and time-consuming hobby. But even though the gaps between catch-ups might get longer and longer, it's still always good to reminisce.

Just an alternative perspective maybe on the wedding and how the relationship could go with no hurt on either side?

Sometimes friendships ebb and flow.

If you pull out now, it will end the friendship and there probably wouldn’t be a way back.

In 5 years time there may be changes in both your lives and your friendship may evolve into something else. I have two friends who I’ve known my entire life, we were all in school together and thick as thieves. Drifted apart during university/career building years - for no reason just life.

About twenty years ago we all got back to being much closer, going out regularly, few weekends away, pub nights. Since Covid there’s been another change and we’re drifting again. Loss of parents, parents needing care, redundancy threats, jobs relocating/changing. In the Group chat one person never seems to respond, trying to find times/dates for even a coffee is ridiculously difficult, but there’s no falling out, it’s just what it is.

In a few years we’ll hopefully be healthy and retired and can pick up the day trips or weekends again. In the meantime we all know that if something happens and one of us needs anything we would rally and help each other out.

Go to the wedding, don’t overthink it as anything other than a lovely day of celebration. If after the wedding things are different it doesn’t have to mean the “end of the friendship” just that it’s changed.

Honestly, if I was the bride, I would rather you pulled out now.
I'm not saying you're in the wrong at all, but if you know the friendship isn’t going anywhere, I would rather not have you in the wedding photos. It would just be a reminder of a lost friendship to me.

Don’t mess with her day when it’s this close. She deserves that respect for old times’ sake if nothing else.
Be there for her, then just see what happens with your friendship afterwards.

This is also something I thought about. I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. Would she be hurt if she knew how I was feeling? Probably.

I don't think that you were wrong to accept. You just had a difference idea of what it would be like.

It's ok to be the old friend, not the close friend. You can let yourself back off after the wedding. You may grow closer again in the future, or you may not.