AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

Never fails to amaze me who MIL always go straight to it being the wife and never…. Themselves.

He doesn’t respond to your messages, gets irritated on the phone and has always been ‘independent’ … in the nicest way I can say this, I don’t think you’re as close as you think you are, and I think he prefers the distance between you. I think it’s an incredible stretch to suddenly think 14 years into a marriage that the wife is isolating and controlling him 😬 i think he’s just trying to get on with adult life and doesn’t want as much contact as you do.

if you absolutely must say anything at all, you should not mention the wife.

They been together for 14 years and married for 9. My other 2 sons are close to me my middle son calling me everyday without me initiating it so obviously I wasn’t a bad of neglectful mum by any stretch. His wife will just start talking to him when she comes home even if he’s on the phone those are her actions not mine and he has to jump up and go instead of saying he’s on the phone. And the souvenirs or gift giving if I ask my son what would you like I either hear my DIL chiming in the background asking me to please get her x, y, and z or my son will automatically mention what she wants without me saying something. My son is my son my DIL isn’t my child she has her own parent to gift her. Why is she automatically expecting equal treatment to my son who I raised or inserting herself into a question I didn’t directly ask her?

When mothers talk of “close knit” families and how an adult child has always been “independent”, it smacks of being controlling. As does leaping to his wife controlling him. maybe he asks her to answer the phone, or she does as he won’t.

And I say that as a mother of an adult son myself.

Don’t push. You’ll completely lose him.

If he is independent how is that me being controlling?

You are no longer your son’s primary family. You haven’t been for a long time. He has created his own family with his wife.

Why are you bringing gifts into it? I am guilty of buying my sons fiancé more little gifts than I do him, she’s far easier to buy for!

Re read my whole post and change son to daughter and let’s see if some people change their tune! Imagine if it was a daughter and her mother talking and her SIL not her DIL was answering her phone or when I asked my daughter what she wanted my SIL jumped into the conversation with what he wanted as well. Would the answers be the same?

It seems odd that your ds is like this after 14 years into his relationship.
And tbh if I came in from work and my dh carried on chatting on the phone for ages I would be rather irritated. If your ds works nights then he and his dw may not see much of each other.
Why not say ‘I know you have busy lives when is best to call?’

Because I asked my son not my DIL and she automatically chimed in or my son mentions on her behalf what she wants. Surely gifting your own child from time to time is normal. And he is my son he will always be considered my primary family not to my DIL but to me.

Because he should be independent. He’s a grown man with his own family - him and his wife. Being independent shouldn’t even be brought up. It’s normal.

I have but even during those times he doesn’t stay on the phone long maybe 5 minutes tops

There’s independent than there is not even giving your mum 5 minutes of your time. Being married shouldn’t mean I’m treated like just a friend or acquaintance. Married or not a mother should always be a priority in your life.

If this was a new relationship I could maybe understand why you think this. But they’ve been together 14 years. That’s a long time. It’s unfair to blame his wife for this. Some couples become completely enmeshed with each other and exclude everyone else. If that’s the way they want to live then you might not like it, but that’s their choice. Chill and let them be.

As for buying things if your ds says his dw would like x just reply I’m sure she would and don’t buy it.

How often are you calling him?

Do you invite them round much? Host them? I always find food a great incentive for getting family to visit and check in.

That’s what it seems like his wife is the center of his universe he treats her like gold practically worships the ground she walks on but that in the process I’m diminished to acquaintance status and as his mum it hurts. I get she is his priority but being married doesn’t mean he should drop everyone else important in his life. I also don’t like how she sometimes answers his phone for him or chime in automatically expecting something when I ask my son what he wants or my son automatically asking me to get his wife something when I haven’t explicitly asked him

This reminds me of a thread a few months ago where the mother was cross because her DiL had asked her to buy something at a yard sale (she’d offered things to her son and his siblings on the family WhatsApp).

This bit in particular: “When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her.”
And this bit: “My son is my son my DIL isn’t my child she has her own parent to gift her. Why is she automatically expecting equal treatment to my son who I raised or inserting herself into a question I didn’t directly ask her?”

Seems a bit odd. Also it doesn’t sound as if the DiL is controlling, answering her husband’s phone seems pretty normal to me if she’s beside it and he isn’t. @MyCyanShaker the parts I’ve quoted make you sound as if you resent your DiL being there at all, to be honest. Like you want to deliberately exclude her from something you’re doing in order to draw a circle around your territory, with her outside that.

Well, that’s your issue.

No, your mother shouldn’t be your priority in life. I won’t expect to be my children’s priority. You can’t hold that over a person. You raise children to go and create their own lives.

He’s probably distancing himself from you for a reason.

You are coming across here quite controlling.

You can’t force someone to have a relationship with you, even your own child. Chill out a bit or you will push him away for good.

I have done this and my son complained about it saying it hurts his wife’s feelings and his as well that I disregarded her and didn’t treat them like a unit he said if I buy for him I should be including his wife as it’s rude to buy for one and not the other but I’m his mum don’t I have the right to buy him something individually

They live 13 hours away so when my son visits his wife is always with him and we don’t get any one on one time together

Good lord. Your son treats his wife well, what’s the problem?

My son treats his fiancé like she’s the most important person in his life - she is! She is his priority in life now and the family they are planning will be too. I’ve raised a good man, sounds as if you have too. Be proud that he loves and treats his wife well? Of course she’s his priory in life - you would hope that was the case.

Then you need to accept the problem is you and your expectations. He doesn’t see the world through your eyes. He has his own values and beliefs and he’s entitled to them. It doesn’t make him or his wife bad people. They just have a different way of looking at the world and how they treat others around them.

What the heck! It’s your mother while she isn’t as much of a priority as your spouse she should still be up there somewhere in the list of priorities. I’m not the other woman I’m his mother for crying out loud

It's been 14 years they've been together. It sounds more like he is busy living his own life with his primary family and you don't like it. You're not his priority anymore.

Reverse the genders and have a daughter instead of a son, and that's me. I'm the daughter, trying to get off the bloody phone to you because you're draining as hell to talk to, trying to be too involved and at times actually quite casually cruel about me and my life. Except for the partner asking for gifts thing, my partner doesn't ask my mother for gifts - my mother doesn't buy gifts anyway.

Also you've posted about this issue multiple times before - complaining about how your son and his wife call themselves a "unit" (which they are) . Assuming you're not a troll, the problem is DEFINITELY you. Because you've been told multiple times before, you're still not getting it and still complaining about it.

I'm not sure you're ever gonna get it, you seem totally wrapped up in yourself and your own self-importance.

You are not in competition with his wife. Well, in your mind you are, and there's a problem right there.

Your other son's call you every day? That's possibly a bit too often in my book, if they want to fine, but maybe you need some other things to do with your time. Give them all some space. You're very needy.